Thursday, August 20, 2015

Fifty Shades

I was visiting my sister-in-law about a month ago, and, like so many times that I go to see her, we decided to relax by having a couple of drinks and watching a movie while our kids played.

She has a humongous house and a glorious downstairs playroom that keeps all of the cousins occupied for hours; each time the hubs and I set a weekend aside for a visit, we spend the night—and usually spend another night, too.  It’s so relaxing that sometimes she has to set up this, like, pulley and lever system to forcefully slide my fat ass off the couch so that I’ll leave and she can go back about her daily business.

But that was just the once.  Usually I’m pretty good about trying not to overstay my welcome.

My husband wasn’t with me on this visit, but it wouldn’t have mattered, because a couple of weeks later when he was there with me, she asked the same thing with an excited look on her face, which was this:

“Do you want to watch Fifty Shades?”

“With you?” I said.  “No.”

“Oh,” she replied, clearly disappointed.  “Well, I’ve got Orange Is the New Black, too.  I rented them both.”

“Yes,” I said, sinking into the couch, relieved.  “Yes, let’s do Orange Is the New Black.”

“Alright,” she sighed, closing the opaque case for Fifty Shades with a loud click before setting it on the entertainment center.  “But are you sure?” she asked, her hand wavering over it.  “This is actually the 3rd time I’ve rented it.  It’s really good.”

I looked at her, mortified.  “Yeah, dude, but the last thing I want to do is watch some pervy shit with my sister-in-law.  Isn’t it pretty porny?” 

I had read the books and had wet dreams for 3 days.  (TMI?)  I didn’t want to experience all of that in front of my husband’s sister.

She shrugged.  “Just soft porn.”

Isn’t it funny how you see a person one way for so long, and then that moment comes when you realize that they’re just as awful as the rest of us?  

My sister-in-law, five years older than my husband, has always been the sweet, responsible one of the family, the one who mothers him but not as aggressively as a nagging mother-in-law would so it doesn’t ever get annoying. She’s the one who never fights with her brothers and sisters because she’s the peacemaker of the family if and when they need one. Everyone goes to her to fix relationship shit if there’s relationship shit to be fixed, and she always does it gently.

And here I was finding out that she’s just a big dirty pervert, ready to whip out a PowerPoint to illustrate the differences between soft and hardcore porn.  Who knew?

“Oh, so there’s no penetration, then?” I asked.  “No full-on camera angles as he slips the anal beads in?”

“No," she said, and then added, "Which was kind of disappointing, actually."

“And yet you’ve rented 3 times…”

“Yep,” she confirmed, nodding as she turned back to the TV.  “Alright, then, so Orange Is the New Black it is,” she said, grabbing the other DVD case off of the entertainment center.  I swear I saw her roll her eyes and mutter “Prude" as she slipped the DVD in (pun totally intended).

So we watched a couple of episodes of Orange Is the New Black and only had to pause it a few times when the kids came up and grabbed snacks.  The next day, as my boys and I were getting ready to leave, I went downstairs to the playroom to do a sweep and make sure we weren’t forgetting to pack anything back up.  That’s where I came upon this scene:


Well, at least we know my sister-in-law’s addictions aren’t affecting her children at all.


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