Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Liars and Facebook

A couple of weeks ago, the hubs and I took the boys on a weeklong beach vacation with my family, which included my mom, dad, sisters, brothers, and all of their kids.

When we got home, all of my friends commented on how fun the trip had looked.  “I saw all of your pictures on Facebook,” they said.  “It looks like you guys had a blast!”

“Oh, please,” I would say, shrugging them off with a wave of my hand.  “That’s just the picture we portrayed on Facebook. Don’t get me wrong; it was fun.  But nobody put up a video of me screaming ‘YOU’RE A FCKING LIAR!’ at my older sister for taking the best room in the whole condo after we had agreed to draw numbers out of a hat for them.”

Honestly, I didn’t care that my little family and I got the shittiest room in the condo.  It was a beautiful place, so even the shittiest room was pretty great.  My whole point was, don’t go out of your way (OLDER SISTER) to send a group Facebook message to the entire family saying that even though you’ll arrive at the condo first, you’ll be very fair about drawing numbers out of a hat in order to assign rooms since we all paid the exact same amount to rent the place.

Because there are no secrets when my mom is around.  That woman sings like a canary. And she said that what actually happened looked something like this:

My older sister, drawing a number out of the hat:  Oh.  Oh, crap.  I don’t want that room.  I’m drawing again.
My older sister, drawing again:  Oh.  Oh, crap. That’s not the number for the room upstairs, the one with the marble Jacuzzi tub and private deck.  Where is that number?
My older sister, drawing again:  Damn, that’s not it, either.
My older sister, looking at my younger brother and my mom, who had arrived at the same time as she had:  I’m just going to take that big room upstairs.  You guys pick whichever rooms you want, and we’ll tell Shay that we drew for her and she got the downstairs room, the small one right off the kitchen with no private bathroom and no ocean view.

I’m not a diva.  I don’t need a goddamned private bathroom (although it should be noted that everyone else got one) or view of the ocean. If I wanted to see the ocean, I could just walk out the back door and step onto the beach. Like I said, it was an awesome place.

What I do need—or at least like—is honesty. Give me the room that nobody else wants and tell me that I got it because I was the last to arrive at the condo—I’ll totally jibe with that! But dammit, just don’t lie to me.

So one night after a few Mixxtail Firewalkers, my sister and I got into it about it, and I told her all of this, albeit with a few “fcks” peppered throughout the conversation.  And then the next night, she and her husband got into it over something else. 

On one of our last nights there, after the kids had been set up with the pullout couch, popcorn, and a movie with Papa and Grandma in the living room, my brother-in-law and my husband and I sat on the beach drinking a couple of beers.  My older sister’s husband looked at me and said, “It’s been a great week, hasn’t it?  Hardly any fighting!”

I looked at him, my mouth hanging open in disbelief. “Are you forgetting those two humongous blowouts from earlier this week?”  (Guess who was in the middle of both? MY LIAR SISTER)

“Yeah, but only two!” my brother-in-law said, shrugging cheerfully and taking another sip of his beer.

When I laughingly (I promise it was laughingly) told these stories to my friends, I was surprised at how readily everyone admitted to portraying something other than real life on Facebook. I swear that one of my friends, a newlywed who just married her adorable baby’s daddy, looked me dead in the eye and said, “Oh, GIRL. I get it. I always put all of these pictures of my happy little family on Facebook, but I swear I hardly even have time to post pictures in between the many daydreams I have about smothering my husband with a pillow in his sleep.”  Here, she stopped and laughed.  “Of course, I’m totally kidding.  I would never do that!  But I don’t like him very much at all.”

HOLY SHIT.

Isn’t it funny how a person starts to write something and then it ends up as something else entirely?  Here I had a sweet post all planned out about something my adorable little 3-year-old did while on family vacation, but I do believe I’ll have to save it for another day.  I don’t want to soil his story with all this talk about family vacation fighting and pillow smothering.

So instead of launching into that adorbsy story right now, then, I think I’ll go post an honest picture on Facebook. Maybe an image of my chin in its pre-whisker plucking state…although my friends are probably getting tired of seeing that. It’s one of my favorite things to post. I'll do all different angles and then come up with fun captions like, “Hope you weren’t in the middle of dinner, A-HOLES!”


It’s a wonder I have any friends, no?  

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