Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Trashy Shorts: Really Twisted Canvas

My friends and I went to one of those places last weekend where you drink wine while a professional shows you how to do a painting on canvas.

We were all really surprised because not one of us possesses even an inkling of artistic skill—and we were drinking—but our paintings turned out really well.  I couldn’t help but whip out my phone and take some pictures of us with our masterpieces.  While I had it out, I had to show my friends the screenshot I had taken of the painting of a friend who had recently gone to her own little drink-and-paint party and decided to show off her finished canvas on Facebook.  Here it is:


On Facebook, everyone was dancing around the obvious in the comment section under my friend’s painting, saying things like, “Wow!  That’s a lovely…” but not finishing the sentence because they didn’t know what the hell it was.  But we certainly all knew what it looked like.

And maybe this is why I can’t keep friends:  Because I can’t help myself, and I usually end up coming out with exactly what I’m thinking.  At first everyone thinks it’s hilarious—refreshing, even—and if those people only met me once or twice, they might even come away thinking I’m just adorable.

But if they’re around me for a little bit longer, it starts to get old and morphs into something more like—Oh my gosh, I cannot believe she just said that! Yes, we were all thinking it, but we are adults.  We know not to say it.

That day, I decided to go for it.  I took a gamble with my comment: 

You do realize that that looks like a humongous vagina, right?

Turns out, my comment was totally the right move.  It seems as though everyone had just been waiting for somebody else to say it, and after I finally did, this whole hilarious conversation ensued about the correct proportions of the multicolored vagina, etc. 

We all had loads of fun at someone else’s expense—and isn’t that the best kind?

But actually, my friend had already realized she’d painted a big vag.  She said that’s why she posted the picture on Facebook; she’d wanted to read our reactions.

I actually felt a little jealous that day that I didn’t have a vagina painting.  Can you imagine how much fun it would be to hang it some random place in the house and witness guest reactions?


  1. I love that man cave! Oh I know most people call it something dainty like a garden or a flower but after 3 kids mine is more of a cave. And I'm hetero so I call it a mancave. My sister would paint something like that. She makes jewelry by melting glass, metal and whatnot and I swear to blog every piece she makes either looks like a vajayjay or a penis. She's the Georgia O'Queef of jewelry. But the rich ladies on the North side of Chicago? Cannot keep their meathooks off her genital jewels. She sells out every craft show! I have to see if I can get some pictures, it's actually quite funny! And pervy.

  2. So I guess what you're saying is, everybody else kept their lips sealed? Ha! I would have totally said something too. Hilarious! I have a giant neon vagina hanging in my bedroom. It used to hang in the living room, where my mom asked if it was a broken heart. Uh...yeah mom. That's EXACTLY what it is. No one has figured out what it is. Or at least, no one has said anything.

    1. I want to see a picture of the giant neon vagina, Linda!

  3. Wow, I'm naive. I didn't even notice it until you pointed it out. I was just like, "Huh, that's pretty." But in all fairness, I'm married, so I haven't seen one of those in years anyway.

    Also, drinking does in fact help aid artistic skill, as we can pretty much only blog while drinking. Oh, and FYI you have the best blog URL ever. And we are very, very happy to follow you back.

    1. You sound like my husband. I strive to do it once a week, so I have no idea why he gets all handsy on a Friday if we've just taken care of it on a Thursday night. I'm always like, "Um, seriously, back off. You know I have 6 days of respite." :)

      Thank you for the compliment on my URL...I am pretty proud of it. It works for me in so many ways, and not just the obvious ones. There are stories behind why I chose it, and I was really glad to have gotten it. Thanks again; looking forward to reading so much more of your stuff!