Friday, September 12, 2014

Dirty Little Secrets

When I posted this short on Wednesday, I was reminded of another post that I wrote about my Bible Study girls about a year ago but, as of yet, have not used on my blog.  I think it's time to come clean...

Dirty Little Secrets
At Bible Study the other night (Yes, I go to Bible Study. I’m pretty sure that even though it won’t erase the skankiness of my past—ahem, yesterday—my dirty whore soul can use all the help it can get), all of the ladies were talking about being forgiven for our sins and how God doesn’t hold anything against us if we’re truly sorry. Naturally, the heathen college years came up.

“I once cheated on a French test,” one of the ladies whispered, staring down at her tightly-clasped hands.

“I got a B once,” another piped up, only slightly louder than the first. She couldn’t meet our eyes; instead, she glanced shiftily from one side of the room to the other, racked with guilt. I wanted to tell her that maybe if she’d been smart enough to cheat like Sinner #1, she’d have gotten an A. But I held my tongue.

“I yelled at my mom on the phone once,” came from the back of the room. The miserable offender wiped a lone tear from her cheek.

My jaw dropped farther and farther to the holy floor as I envisioned myself burning in hell with every confession that came out of my fellow Bible Studiers’ mouths. And then, after one of the girls shared this wretched confession--"I ate a packet of my roommate’s Ramen noodles once"--and followed it up with huge, real sobs that rocked her whole body, I couldn’t take it any longer.

“What the hell is wrong with you people?” I gasped. “I was a humongous skanky whore. I got drunk and had sex with a lot of people!”

I looked toward the back of the room, where the phone girl was still furiously wiping away tears, bottom lip quivering in disgust at herself.

“You’re worried about yelling at your mom on the phone?" I said to her.  "The first time my dad called during my freshman year, I told him he was a selfish rat bastard for interrupting my hungover slumber before noon on a Tuesday and took the opportunity to set some phone call ground rules.” I took a breath before continuing my spontaneous confession. “I once bought a homeless man a sandwich and a beer so he would agree to sit on my best friend’s lap in the middle of a bar and lick her neck up and down while I hid in the corner and watched and laughed. I’d have taped it, too, if we’d have carried cell phones around back then.”

I paused, watching the memory play out behind my eyes. “Of course,” I felt compelled to add, lifting my shoulders in a shrug, “I realized when I went home with him that night that he wasn’t actually homeless. It was just a look he’d perfected since he preferred drinking beer at the bar every night to eating and doing his laundry…”

When I looked up again, all of them were staring at me, eyes wide, mouths agape. They stayed like this for about one minute before simultaneously looking down to open their Bibles and feverishly thumb through the pages to find Scripture verses that would make me feel better.

“No,” I said. “No, really—I’m okay.” They paused from the page flipping and looked up at me again. “I just feel like we should be given a pass for the college years, you know?”

At this, everyone in the room laughed. Not because they thought I was joking, but because they get me, my peeps. They just get me.

And thank God for that, or I would have been kicked out a long time ago. In fact, I’m pretty sure they only keep me in as a sort of after-school program type deal: If I’m there Bibling it up with them, that’s one less night I’ll be out on the streets, skanking it up.

The hubs thanks them for their dedication. And I do, too, except for every third Tuesday or so, when I get to missing the old skank days and I'd rather be hanging out behind the Dumpster of a trashy bar, making out with someone.

But it’s okay, because I know I can relive those old days during confession time with my Bible Study peeps, and that’s just as good, right?


  1. I like you, Shay. You're my kinda dirty filthy whore.

  2. LOL!!! That's priceless...stealing ONE lousy packet of Ramen!!

  3. This is hilarious! I knew there was a reason I loved you so much. And yes---we ALL deserve a pass for the college years….

  4. I love you!!!! Do we go to the same Bible study? I remember a woman crying about not making dinner for her family one night. I just HAD to interject with "well back when I was in drug rehab for the third time..,"