Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Trashy Shorts: Diet

I had 2 people tell me yesterday that I looked like I’d lost weight—or, as one of them put it in a phrase that I liked even better, that I’d “gotten even skinnier.”

I didn’t expect to hear that coming right off of vacation, but I suppose there’s something to be said for substituting vodka shots for most of one’s daily meals.  I don’t normally drink vodka—in fact, I’ve been known to vehemently deny any drinks that are made with vodka because of that one time I almost kissed a guy who wasn’t my husband after drinking several vodka tonics (Oooops!), but you know what they say:  When in Eastern Europe…

Anyway, I figure the vodka thing is pretty much exactly like a juice cleanse…only more fun and with a horrific 3-day hangover that makes you feel as though you’ve been hit by a train—repeatedly.  But once all of that wears off, you’re golden.  And apparently skinny.

And also kind of sweaty, if I’m being completely honest. 

Lest I’m sounding braggy and annoying in this post about someone calling me skinny, let me assure you:  Although I work out like a mofo, I eat like one, too (and as Jillian says, “You can eat your way through any workout!”), and no amount of miles I run can keep up with the number of Vienna sausages I snarf.

So I’m a solid size 10/12; people just don’t realize that because my man-like 6-foot stature hides it well and they think I look thinner.  I’m always ready to whip out my gut and flip my tags to prove it to anyone who doubts me, though.

And besides, guaranteed I’ll gain back any of the pounds I may have lost on vacation within a matter of days.  It’s impossible not to with the steady diet of frozen egg rolls and Banquet frozen Swedish meatballs (only $1 at Wal-Mart!) that I’ve adopted.  Being raised—quite happily, I might add—on shit like that makes one’s palate less picky.  I can’t tell you how much money I’ve saved on groceries by passing up all of the fresh produce and heading straight for the cheap and delicious processed foods.

Thanks, Mom and Dad!


  1. My legs are longer which help my case too when it comes to weight gain. Although not so much that I'm looking that great lately! Keep the meatballs away from me.

  2. I hate it when Jillian Michaels says that to me too! (because clearly she is talking directly to me through her workout video). Working out is how I justify eating a jumbo plate of Nachos. And off course I'm adding the chili for an extra $2.99. I don't want to have to work out plus eat grilled chicken with whole wheat rice, dammit!!