Saturday, May 3, 2014

Trashy Shorts: My Best Friend's Midlife Crisis

It would take you longer to read a list of the names of dudes I skanked out with in my 20’s than it would for you to read these “Trashy Shorts” posts.  Then again, a 500-page legal document would probably take less time to read than a list of the names of dudes I skanked out with in my 20’s, too.  Which is all beside the point, because I can’t make an accurate list: If I happened to catch names, I was usually too drunk to remember them.

In any case, these particular posts are short.

"My Best Friend's Midlife Crisis"
I should’ve known something was up when my best friend Leigh started texting me Pinterest pics of tattoos that would look “badass over the old ones” that we got together in college.  I thought to myself, “Surely 36 is too early for a midlife crisis, right?” 

But then she got a divorce and lost a shit-ton of weight and I was all like—oh, snap, shit is getting real now.

Well, dammit, I should have something to say about it all, because I feel like it affects me, too.  She needs to stop experiencing her midlife crisis and wait for me to catch up.  Because she went and got her tattoo fixed and it looks awesome, while mine still looks like a bird shit on my side.  Seriously, a dude said that to me once. He literally said to me, “What the hell is that?  It looks like a bird shit on your side.”  But at least he waited a full 12 hours after I got the tattoo so that I had a ½ day to enjoy it before he soiled my view of it FOREVERMORE.  What a dick.

In all fairness to that guy, my husband said pretty much the exact same thing when he woke up next to me a few nights after I met him.  And the bird shit thing has kind of become my all-time favorite thing to say when I show people my badass tat of a sunflower and they recoil in horror.  I often follow it up with, “Best decision I ever made, my friend.”

In any case, here’s a pic of my best friend’s midlife crisis.  I think it’s awesome.


  1. Yes, it's awesome. But then so is the bird shit story. You don't want to give that up, do you?

  2. So badass! But I wanna see a photo of your birdshit one. Please?

  3. I need to see a picture of yours!
    Des Moines, IA