Friday, February 28, 2014

Wedding Card

A friend of ours recently got married, and even though I generally don’t endorse marriage due to its extreme mundanity (I mean, seriously, YOU again?), I do love me a wedding reception because oh my gosh, free beer and fried chicken—and, if I’m lucky, some really fancy cheesy asparagus.  (Which this wedding didn’t have, by the way, but I didn't put in a formal complaint because the chicken was really good.)

My husband let me buy and fill out the card.  I’m not sure he’ll ever learn.  I LOVE doing the cards:



Oh, my!  Did we send a sympathy card for your wedding?  Simple Freudian slip, I'm sure...because really...marriage is...lovely...Congratulations!

Secretly, I think he loves it, too.  Because either they’ll think it’s funny and he can take part of the credit, or they’ll think it’s awful, in which case, he’ll rely on his old standby of playing innocent bystander, hunching his shoulders as he accepts the looks of pity people shoot his way when they realize that I’m the one that he’s chosen to deal with for the rest of his life.  I love it when I see him shrug and mouth, “But I didn’t realize until it was too late…”  Poor guy.

My family has a little joke that they like to tell at my expense.

Q:  What do you call a person who went to college for 5 years? 
A:  A doctor.

It’s funny because I went to college for 5 years…to get a teaching degree.  And I’m not even a damned professor.  It’s just a regular old teaching degree.

BUT I drank buckets of beer and had sex with tons of random nasty strangers during that 5 years (and for several years after, of course), so that counts for something, right?

Ah, well. In any case, as you can see from the picture above, I picked up the doctor’s scrawl without the doctorate. 

Sorry for the shit-tay image, by the way. I left my digital camera at home, so I had to use my phone as I wasn't about to ask my mother-in-law to borrow her camera so that I could snap a photo of the card.  She doesn't always get my humor, and she kind of thinks I'm an asshole.  That's why I bought a second card--a yellow flowery one with pictures of birds all over it--to show her when she asked to see it and approve it--which I knew she would.  She knows me a bit too well. 

That one is currently residing in my junk drawer.  I'll give it to someone I don't like.

22 comments:

  1. That is an awesome wedding card - I would totally steal that idea, but I'm old and everyone I know is already married or divorced. And I don't think your handwriting is bad - it's totally legible. But you should start dotting your i's with little hearts - people love that.

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    1. Dana--most of my friends are, too, but there are a few stragglers who didn't learn anything from the rest of us who constantly bitch about it. Ha. And then there are the divorced ones who are getting re-married...those suck the most because I have to give them even more money since, at their first marriages, I probably didn't give them anything and only showed up to get drunk. SIGH.

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    2. And thanks for +1'ing! You're an awesome blogger buddy, Dana! :)

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  2. Love this! I always find ridiculous cards to give to people- just makes spending money on a piece of paper people throw away so much more satisfying for me.

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    1. Kate--I agree. I either tell people I don't buy cards because I'd rather spend the extra $5 on their present (which I never do; I just use it on beer instead), or I get them a totally random card and scratch words off. One time I got my older sister a card that said Mazel Tov all over it for her b-day, and we shouted that all night long. See? Everybody wins. :)

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  3. OMG I wish I had sent this post earlier---I know two young couples who recently tied the knot---and they REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE!!!! Funny post as always, Shay!

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    1. Thanks, Marcia! And maybe you could send one for their first anniversaries? ;)

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  4. Haha. I love that you do that. I used to give my mother birthday cards from the Mahogany line (remember that politically correct line of cards from Hallmark? do they still do that?) as a joke. The best part was she never noticed. I probably enjoy laughing at my own jokes too much.

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    1. Yes! My older sister was actually mad that she couldn't fine a Mahogany card one year after I brought my son home. But it's true! It's hard to find cards with little brown boys on them! Maybe you have some left that you can send me? :) My best friend laughs at her own jokes all the time, but her laugh is so contagious that it's hard not to join in and pretty soon, the whole room is laughing. So there's something to that, I think...

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  5. I wish you lived close by! I would love to hang out with you. You make life so much fun.

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    1. Betty, that compliment just brightened my whole morning even more. Thank you!

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  6. HAH to the one you showed your MIL being in a drawer. College took me a bit longer (as did life) than expected, too, and damn right that those extra beers and sex made us better more awesome people!!!
    My husband's 1/2 brother (who is 1/2 black) got married this summer and I so wanted to find the most hilarious card. I didn't find one so I drew one and I'm pretty sure nobody appreciates it to this day....Fuck 'em though. I'm funny.

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    1. They didn't like it? I'm sure they couldn't misunderstand anything you did b/c you are always so loving, funny, and full of life. I'll bet they just don't want to admit how much they love it because they're mad they didn't think of it first!

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  7. It took me seven years to get my teaching degree but then I went through a divorce, raised three children on my own, sometimes worked 2-3 part time jobs to support us . . . so no beer and partying for me. Just a lot of hard work and then no teaching job when all was said and done. :(

    I'd let you send out my wedding cards any day. <3

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    1. But my gosh--you got that degree with all of that going on. If I'd had kids to raise at the time, I know it would've taken me much longer. Great job for sticking it out!!

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  8. That is an awesome wedding card. I would love to steel this idea.

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  9. I got a xmas card for the boss from the rest of us. It had a polar bear on the front with a stocking cap on and said something like "I just love Christmas and Santa! Especially his elves" and on the inside "they taste like chicken". I thought it was funny, as did everyone else except one guy thought it was racist. I had no idea that conclusion would be made but I then had to endure about 3 weeks of racist remarks from him all day long.

    Anonymous J

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  10. Totally something I would do...or have done...a birthday card for a Buddhist funeral "Happy reBirthday!"

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  11. Now why didn't you give that card to the bride and groom? It's out of the ordinary, it's fun, and it stands out. Much better than those boring "On Your Wedding Day" cards with white ribbons and bells. Those go in the trash the next day, I guarantee it!

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    1. I did actually give the one pictured to the bride and groom, Suzanne. It was the flowery, birdy one that I shoved into my junk drawer (I seriously almost typed "drunk drawer"...hm, wonder if my mind is on booze tonight?) to save for someone I don't like. Ha!

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  12. ***BUT I drank buckets of beer and had sex with tons of random nasty strangers during that 5 years***

    Love this. Love the card. Love your humor.

    I get it.

    xx

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  13. Wow. looks so genuine wishes. Great inspiration. Thanks for sharing. l like this card

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