Friday, February 21, 2014

A Lesson in Humanity

Last summer, the hubs and I took the kids to a theme park.  We knew better than to hope that they would fall asleep on the shuttle back to the car after a long day of riding rides in the 105 degree heat.  They’re like effing robots:  THEY DON’T GET TIRED. 

(By the way, it wasn't actually 105 degrees, but it might as well have been when you'd prefer to be your regular vampire self, reading books in the air condition as opposed to being at the stupid theme park waiting in line for 45 minutes to hop on a 30-second ride.  In fact, when the cheerful shuttle driver grabbed his little microphone and called out to all the kids, "What was your favorite ride today, boys and girls?" I shouted, "THIS BUS!")

There was a man sitting across the aisle from us, and I noticed him right away because he gave me the sweetest smile—which was when I saw that, well…YOU GUYS… 

He had two teeth.

And when I say “two teeth,” I mean that one of them was hanging on for dear life by a thread of shining cartilage…so it was really like 1 ½ teeth.

He was with his girlfriend, and you could tell that they were in the midst of that adorable first few months of dating.  They were all lovey-dovey, cooing at each other, giggling at whispers in ears. 

Basically, they were totally the opposite of those of us who have been married for almost 10 years:

My hubs:  “You look really pretty today.”
 
Me, swatting at the air around me in case he tries to touch me:  “Please.  I know what you’re trying to do, and it ain’t happening.  I’ve got shit to do...unless you'd like to finish making dinner and then clean up the dishes afterwards so that I can start on the laundry...”

Me, realizing my error as the hubs lifts the spatula from my hand in order to take over the grueling process of browning the tater tot casserole beef, thus freeing my schedule so that I could fit in having sex with him later that evening:  "Dammit."

I've talked before about my very vocal 5-year-old.  When he was 18 months old, it was really adorable.  Now it’s scary.  That day on the shuttle, I found myself clasping my hands together tightly and bowing my head to pray to God.

Please, please, I begged Him, don’t let the boy say something to embarrass the sweet little man and his sweet little girlfriend and their sweet little stuffed animal dragon baby…

We’d almost made it.  In fact, this was originally going to be a post on how God truly does answer our prayers if we just ask Him for exactly what we want.  As the shuttle pulled into the parking lot that day and people began to stand up and shuffle toward the doors, I’d been getting ready to drop to my knees and thank God for sparing us all the humiliation.

And then my son said this:

“MOM!  PAPA SAYS THAT IF YOU EAT A BUNCH OF CANDY AND DON’T BRUSH YOUR TEETH, THEY’LL ALL FALL OUT.”

First of all, GRANDPA is going to have his visitation rights SEVERELY restricted if he keeps teaching my kids lessons on teeth brushing and hygiene and shit.  Who the hell does he think I am, Duchess Kate raising Prince George?  Holy SHIT, old man.

Secondly—holy shit.  HO-LEE shit.

But the sweet man, who happened to be just in front of us in line, simply turned around and smiled kindly at my son, showing off the semi-toothy grin that was now beginning to grow on me.  “Your Papa is a smart man, kiddo,” he said.  “That’s why you should always remember to eat right and brush your teeth.”

I could’ve hugged him.

That’s the way to do it, my peeps.  That’s the way to do this life thing.

20 comments:

  1. LOVE your stories, Shay! This is priceless and the ending----PERFECT!

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    1. I loved that man for the way he handled it. We need more people like him in the world! Not saying that I want more people to lose their teeth...not saying that at all...but just, if they did, it would be nice if they handled it like he did...:)

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  2. What a guy! I guess he figured no one else should walk around with one and a half teeth if they don't have to. Reminds me of the guy who gave us a cemetary tour in New Orleans. One front tooth, hanging by a thread. Halfway through the tour, it was gone. I think he swallowed it.

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  3. Aww, that's such a sweet story minus the tater tot sex. What a sweet man...but you got damn lucky this time!

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    1. I know, Kim. I'm on pins and needles all the time in public. Ha

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  4. Don't you just hate it when men take you up on your threats and you end up having to bump uglies when you really didn't want to? DAMN.
    I love your posts. They make me laugh. And ew to the guy with 1.5 teeth! But that was cool that he said that to your son. :)

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    1. YES! It totally blew up in my face. I'll know for next time to just say no. Haha

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  5. AW!! That guy with 1 1/2 teeth was the best!! And I cracked UP at the "they were totally the opposite of those of us who have been married for almost 10 years" Bwahahahaha. You can always spot them, right! SO true!! --Lisa

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    1. He was the sweetest. He made the whole situation comfortable for everyone on the shuttle when it could have been mortifying. Thanks for stopping by, Lisa!

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  6. Your stories are the greatest! The sex story is so accurate for most of us!! I love that the old man wanted to teach your son about taking care of his teeth.

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    1. Thanks, Betty! Ane you can replace tater tots with pretty much any easy dinner, and the scenario still works, right? Haha

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  7. I followed a link from g+ to here and read your post and I did something far worse to my mother on a bus that involved my saying very loudly, "You mean to tell me that THAT baby came out of THAT woman's vagina?"

    Apparently it was a very big baby.

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    1. That's hilarious! And thanks for stopping by!

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  8. That was so sweet, children just say the darnedest things.

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    1. They do, Cindy. I have a whole stack of things that he's said that are freaking hilarious. It's so hard to stay on top of writing them all down, but I have to b/c I don't want to forget any of it!

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  9. This cracked me up. I love reading stories that are real, you know? That really represent how my life feels like yelling the bus was the best ride in the whole park - get me the hell outta here. I hope you weren't at Disney b/c at that place there aren't even that many rides & you have to wait like 2 hours for a 30 second spin on the tea cups. You should write a piece about your son for Dani @ Cloudy w/ Wine for her embarrassing Mom Moments.

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    1. Stacey--I wrote one for her when she first came out with the series. I think if you click on her button on my right sidebar, it'll take you right to it. Great series!

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  10. Hi Shay, this post reminds me of my niece when she was the same age as your son. We were in this jeepney with my sister and there was this lady in front of us who have severe acne on her whole face. My niece keeps staring at her face the whole time we were travelling. My sister and I looked at each other and I can read her mind that she's hoping that her daughter will just keep her mouth shut. Just when we are about to reach the stop, she looked at her mom's face touched the skin and with a voice that is loud enough for the lady with acne to hear she said to her mom, "Mom, why is your skin like that??" My sister just pretended she didn't hear her.

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  11. I'm still wondering how this guy with one and a half teeth found himself a girlfriend who would want to kiss him with his tooth hanging out. Did she have any hanging teeth as well? What would happen if the teeth got intertwined? Yowch...

    Anyways, glad to see he took your son's comment well. Because being honest is what kids do. Nothing wrong with that.

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