(By the way, it wasn't actually 105 degrees, but it might as well have been when you'd prefer to be your regular vampire self, reading books in the air condition as opposed to being at the stupid theme park waiting in line for 45 minutes to hop on a 30-second ride. In fact, when the cheerful shuttle driver grabbed his little microphone and called out to all the kids, "What was your favorite ride today, boys and girls?" I shouted, "THIS BUS!")
There was a man sitting across the aisle from us, and I noticed him right away because he gave me the sweetest smile—which was when I saw that, well…YOU GUYS…
He had two teeth.
And when I say “two teeth,” I mean that one of them was hanging on for dear life by a thread of shining cartilage…so it was really like 1 ½ teeth.
He was with his girlfriend, and you could tell that they were in the midst of that adorable first few months of dating. They were all lovey-dovey, cooing at each other, giggling at whispers in ears.
Basically, they were totally the opposite of those of us who have been married for almost 10 years:
My hubs: “You look really pretty today.”
Me, realizing my error as the hubs lifts the spatula from my hand in order to take over the grueling process of browning the tater tot casserole beef, thus freeing my schedule so that I could fit in having sex with him later that evening: "Dammit."
I've talked before about my very vocal 5-year-old. When he was 18 months old, it was really adorable. Now it’s scary. That day on the shuttle, I found myself clasping my hands together tightly and bowing my head to pray to God.
Please, please, I begged Him, don’t let the boy say something to embarrass the sweet little man and his sweet little girlfriend and their sweet little stuffed animal dragon baby…
We’d almost made it. In fact, this was originally going to be a post on how God truly does answer our prayers if we just ask Him for exactly what we want. As the shuttle pulled into the parking lot that day and people began to stand up and shuffle toward the doors, I’d been getting ready to drop to my knees and thank God for sparing us all the humiliation.
And then my son said this:
“MOM! PAPA SAYS THAT IF YOU EAT A BUNCH OF CANDY AND DON’T BRUSH YOUR TEETH, THEY’LL ALL FALL OUT.”
First of all, GRANDPA is going to have his visitation rights SEVERELY restricted if he keeps teaching my kids lessons on teeth brushing and hygiene and shit. Who the hell does he think I am, Duchess Kate raising Prince George? Holy SHIT, old man.
Secondly—holy shit. HO-LEE shit.
But the sweet man, who happened to be just in front of us in line, simply turned around and smiled kindly at my son, showing off the semi-toothy grin that was now beginning to grow on me. “Your Papa is a smart man, kiddo,” he said. “That’s why you should always remember to eat right and brush your teeth.”
I could’ve hugged him.
That’s the way to do it, my peeps. That’s the way to do this life thing.