Friday, January 3, 2014

Stairs

I once posted a status update on Facebook about how excited I was to be 2/3 of the way through with cleaning my bathrooms:

Two bathrooms cleaned; only one more to go! was my excited post. 

I swear I’m normally a lot more fun than that on Facebook, but I couldn’t help it.  I hardly ever clean my bathrooms, so it’s a major life event that I feel should be recorded somewhere when I do.  I have had the thought before, though, that it’s a bad idea to brag on Facebook every time I clean my bathrooms.

What if some really bored dickhead friends of mine actually scrolled back and looked to see the last time I’d updated my status after cleaning my bathrooms?  Then they’d see how very rarely I actually do it, and that’s just gross.  With that thought in mind, the last time I posted about it, I beat them at their own game:

Bathrooms cleaned!  Look for a similar status update in 4 (okay 5) weeks.

Anyway, after the first status update above, my little sister left this comment:

Holy shit, Donald Trump.  Three bathrooms?!

It made me chuckle a little bit.  No, we do not live in a humongous mansion, but yes, we did upgrade a bit from our last house.  And when we first bought this one, I was all excited that we had 3 bathrooms.  It made me feel kinda rich.

Until I realized that with the money we spent on our newer, bigger house, we didn’t have any left over to pay a housekeeper.  And I HATE cleaning the bathrooms. 

Dammit.

I’ve already decided that our next house is going to have one of those holes in the middle of the floor for the toilet.  And if anyone complains, I’ll just say, “It’s called a contemporary Japanese squat toilet, asshole, and I need more worldly friends” as I hand over the toilet paper and flip the station on the t.v.

But until then, I’ll just have to clean my own bathrooms. 

I think I’m veering a little bit off-track, my peeps.  I really think I am.

Because what I was actually going to tell you was that although we don’t have a house as big as Donald Trump’s, we do happen to have exactly 16 stairs.  And one thing I love about those stairs is that they make for a killer workout.

And after the overindulgence that the holidays can sometimes bring on (You should have seen my little sister snarf the douchers...like an animal), a killer workout might be exactly what you’re wanting right now.

I am not a person who believes in New Year’s resolutions.  I believe in working hard every day to be your best self.  I feel that if you have a goal or something that you’d like to do, RIGHT NOW is the time to do it. However, many people do make New Year’s resolutions, and so often those resolutions are to get fit.  With that in mind, I’d love to share one of my favorite at-home workouts with you.

Please stop worrying.  Just because I’m sharing one of my favorite tips with you does NOT mean that this is morphing into a lifestyle blog. 

Holy shit, can you imagine?  If you’re not happy with your own life, I highly suggest you look elsewhere for tips, because you sure as hell don’t want mine.  I mean, I’m ecstatic with my own life, but I’m very easy to please.  For example, my husband gave me a sweatshirt with a picture of a mountain on it for my birthday last year, and I just about pissed my pants with glee.  I’ve been wearing it to bed every single night.  It is so comfortable!

Okay, those last few lines were total and complete lies.  I folded up that damned sweatshirt almost immediately and packed it into a bag for Goodwill, which the hubs saw on the landing, waiting to be dragged out to the car.  And can you believe that bastard had the nerve to act offended?

I fixed him with this, though:  “Well, quit getting me stupid shit for my birthday and then you won’t see my presents in the Goodwill bag.” 

I’m hoping for something really nice this year.

Anyway, the point of all of that was—well, I’m not sure what the hell the point was.  I think I was trying to say that I’m really, really happy with my life…but whether or not you would be is a tough call.

So no, not a lifestyle blog.  Because unless you need tips on how to apply makeup in order to abbreviate a face that’s as long as an unraveled tape measure, I’m not sure I could help you out.  Unless you’re Tori Spelling and you’ve taken to reading my blog, in which case:  Welcome, Tor!

So, without further ado, here’s my favorite stairs workout*.  It was given to me by my badass friend Jamie, who is always trying to think of new ways to torture herself in the name of a good workout.

One circuit:

Jog up the stairs, taking them one step at a time (Do this 3 times)
Jog up the stairs, taking them 2 at a time (Do this 3 times) 
Right shuffle (lead with right foot and take stairs 2 at a time)  (Do this 3 times)
Left shuffle (lead with left foot and take stairs 2 at a time) (Do this 3 times)
Hops (bunny-hop up the stairs—one at a time!) (Do this 3 times)

So you’ll see that in each circuit, you’ll actually be running up the stairs a total of 15 times.

Here is where you’ll take a one-minute break.  You’ll do the entire circuit over again (with the one-minute break at the end) 4 more times or, as stated above, as many times as it takes you to reach 30 minutes.  

I will admit that when I started the workout, I was feeling great—loving Jamie, loving life, loving the exhilarated feeling I got from this having this new effective workout at my fingertips.  But then, as my one-minute break would come to an end and I’d have to begin a new circuit, my thoughts began to change.  And I think that in my own head, I kind of took the pain out on Jamie.  Here’s a little progression, if you will, of the kind of thoughts I found myself having as I did my stairs:

 

·         Oh, I can kind of feel this working.  Jamie’s a great friend to have written this all out for me!

·         Working up a sweat, breathing pretty hard!  Look at me go!

·         Jamie’s kind of a badass.  This is getting tough.

·         Jaime needs a goddamned psychiatrist.  Who creates this torture for herself?

·         Jaime’s a fcking bitch.

·         Jamie can suck my phantom balls.

·         Jamie’s a humongous skank.

·         Um, masochism much, Jamie?

·         Or is that sadism?

·         Whatever.  Either way, Jamie’s a whore.

And finally, when it was all over and I was wiping the sweat from my brow and smiling at my accomplishment:

Holy shit, that was a good workout.  Gotta love that Jamie.  I’m going to go call her for another one.

If you don’t have stairs, you can find tons of other great at-home workouts that you can do with just your own body weight simply by Googling.  You’ll find yourself dripping with sweat by the end of a 25-minute time period in many of these workouts, and there’s no better feeling than that, right?

Well, except drunk.  That’s kind of a fun feeling, too. But you get what I’m saying.

Enjoy!

*Please remember that I am not a fitness professional and neither is Jamie.  If you're clumsy as shit, or if you start to feel dizzy or weird or like if you keep going, you're going to have a damned heart attack...please stop and find something more suitable to your fitness needs.

22 comments:

  1. Whether you clean them weekly or not, I am just in awe that you have more than one bathroom. Only once in my entire adult life have I had more than one, and I can't wait to move from the house I am in now to the next one because I am going to have two bathrooms, DAMMIT if it kills me. And the stair climbing? Rock on!

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    1. I swear it's not all it's cracked up to be, Phil! Seriously just more to clean! :)

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  2. The fact that you have three bathrooms had me saying "what a bitch", but yeah I wouldn't want to clean them either. When I'm at work I have to climb a flight of stairs every time I go to my office. I keep expecting it to do great things for my ass, but there's also the vending machine with Frito's and Mars bars....

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    1. Isn't it a bitch how they cancel each other out?! And I'm sure the McDonald's I had tonight didn't do much for the Jillian DVD I'd done today...but like I always say, I'd have had the McD's either way...at least there's a workout on top of it now, right?

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  3. Ha! I just kept thinking how many levels your house must have! All that going upstairs and no going down? SKYSCRAPER! :)

    Do people actually USE 3 bathrooms?? I mean, maybe I am just a creature of habit but I think if I had 3 bathrooms one if not two of them would be very lonely...

    You are so very funny!

    Anonymous J

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    1. We only use the 3rd when people come to visit, so although it sucks to have to clean it, it's REALLY nice to have a private bathroom for guests when they spend the night. Thanks for always coming back and reading!

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  4. HAHA! Your husband got you a sweatshirt with a mountain on it for your bday and you let him see it in the Goodwill bag? Not sure why I think that's epically hilarious, but I'm laughing almost hard enough to call it a workout. Which is good because I'm never trying your friend's stairs thing. I hate cleaning and can't wait for my kid to get old enough to do an unsucky job doing it himself. Also, my hubs doesn't give me birthday or holiday gifts any longer. That seems important since I laughed at your hub's effort.

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    1. This year, I got my hubs a Christmas present, and he goes, "Um, this is the first year I didn't get you anything. You NEVER get me anything, so I just kind of thought we were going that route..." It made me laugh so hard, poor guy. It's just that he's so hard to buy for! I think from now on, we'll just get each other stuff if it strikes our fancy. Otherwise, we can just buy our own shit. :)

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  5. Hilarious as always, Shay! Hey, I gotta try this new workout of Jamie's because I am now wearing every Christmas cookie and cheese cake I ate over the holidays. My stomach looks like it has been inflated with a bicycle pump. Time to give those stairs a whirl!!!

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    1. It's a great workout, I promise. But I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that you are very clumsy, so this might not be the workout for you! Haha

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  6. I hate cleaning bathrooms too - I make the kids clean theirs but they do a crappy job. Not crappy enough for me to redo it, though. And I cannot wait to hear what your husband gets you for your birthday this year! Maybe a knee replacement from all that stair running - exercise is dangerous.

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    1. Cleaning bathrooms is THE WORST. But when they start crusting over, I figure it's about time...SIGH

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  7. First you give us a unhealthy but delicious recipe, then you give us an exercise routine - what is Trashy Blog coming too? And why is there not a photo of that sweatshirt? I think my mother-in-law has the same one.

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    1. I will have to find the poor soul who picked it up from Goodwill and ask them if I can snap a pic. And don't worry; I will try really hard next week to get back to trash with absolutely no moral or tips, Dana, I promise! Haha

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  8. I use my stairs for a workout sometimes and my thought processes are pretty similar, except no Jamie! You are so "fearless!"

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    1. It's always nice to have someone to blame. Just replace her name with someone you find totally annoying! I'll bet it'll work the same.

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  9. You're the kind of person I would consider defriending on Facebook if the cleaning status was followed by a "love my hubby" status.

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    1. Kate--no way! I'm telling you, despite this status update, I'm a blast on FB. My personal page is pretty much the place to be...too bad I'm too lazy to make a blog FB page...:)

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  10. Hilarious. Love the digressions. I was also amazed at the 3 bathrooms. I can't imagine having 3 I never clean. I'll just stick with the one dirty one.

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  11. I have so much to say: 1) I swear to god that I was JUST talking about those holes in the floor in Japan to my BFF yesterday. How about that synchronicity? And about something so weird and random. I think I love you! 2) You had me worried there for a second about the lifestyle blog thing. Thank you for your reassurance that Kristi's skank is here to stay. Phew! 3) I hate to break it to you, but cleaning the bathroom can also be construed as exercise and 4) I like the dance moves incorporated into the stair-stepping. I'm bummed that there wasn't a corresponding VLOG.

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  12. I live on a third floor walk up and even though I try to run 3.5 miles three times a week, I always end up out of breath after climbing the stairs. Maybe I'll create a work out on those steps, but the neighbors are going to be pissed.

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  13. I really do think that any workout with the words bunny hop in it is TOTALLY meant for me! P.S. We have 3 bathrooms, too and no money for a housekeeper, and I hate everyone! ;)-Ashley

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