Friday, January 17, 2014

George Strait

I was at my little sister’s house a few months ago, where she was having a small viewing party for the 2013 CMA’s.

Isn’t it cute how I said “small viewing party” as if it were some fancy affair?  But really, it was just an excuse to get together to drink beer and eat hot dogs and Rotel.  As if we needed one.

“OMGeeeee,” her friend Amy drooled as she watched George Strait perform.  “He is so hot.”

I looked up from my plate.  “He’s dead, right?  Like, this is a compilation of old videos from before he passed away?”

There was a collective gasp in the room, and I heard someone mutter asshole. 

“Oh, wrong crowd, huh?  Okay, fine, but seriously, he’s hardly alive, you guys.  He’s what, 87 now?”

“Hang on,” my mom said, holding up her texting finger.  “I’ll Gooooogle it.”

She drew out the word Google for at least 5 minutes, taking 2 breaths in between to make the word last as long as it did.  She was showing off.  Some asshole had bought her a goddamned Smartphone and taught her how to use it.  I’ve been pondering who the culprit might be, and I’ve at least been able to narrow it down a little bit.  It couldn’t possibly be any of her boyfriends for two reasons:  1.)  They’re poor as hell and each have at least 72 children to support (she sure knows how to pick ‘em, peeps) and 2.)  They’re all my grandpa’s age, and he’s dead. I’m pretty sure they’d have as hard of a time as Gramps would figuring out how to work a damned Smartphone.

Not that I should make fun.  My own phone was purchased by my husband through a website that he didn’t understand, and when it came in the mail, there was a sticker on it with a handwritten note, scrawled with a black Sharpie, that said, “No funciona bien el telefono.”

It had cost the hubs dos pesos, and the flip function didn’t even work.  Meaning it was a flip phone that didn’t flip open.

But dammit, it can call 9-1-1, and that’s all I need.  Do you hear that, rapists?

Anyhoo, all of this is a roundabout way of saying that I’m desperately trying to figure out the name and address of the bastard who got my mom the phone. Because if I get one more “a million likes and our dad will take us to Disneyworld!” Facebook post from Mom on my feed, I’m going to whoop that bastard’s ass and then delete my mom.  Don’t worry; she been made aware of this.

“I Gooooooogled it, you guys,” Mom announced, holding up her new phone.  “And it says he’s 61.”  Here, she shot me a triumphant look. “He’s 61 and sex-ay.  I’ll take him!”

“Mom,” my little sister said.  “The average age of the men you date is 105.  We know you’ll take him.  The rest of us prefer to stick with guys in the 30-40 age range who don’t live in trailers with goats tied to a tree in the front yard for a lawn mower.”

“The trailer and goat/lawn mower were mine,” Mom insisted about whatever boyfriend she’d happened to hit the jackpot with during the year to which my sister was referring.  “NOT his.”  (She said “goat lawn mower” like that, as one term, so I’m still not sure if that’s how she described it to people, like, “No, I don’t own a riding lawn mower. I just bought a goat lawn mower,” or if she’s saying it like I wrote it, with the slash in the middle. I’m also not sure why I care…)

“Something to be proud of,” my younger brother muttered.

“You know,” Mom said, smoothing the front of her Smartphone with her index finger while looking around at her kids, “sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have kind children.  But no.  All of you assholes got the smartass gene from your father…SIGH…”

“Yeah, but where did Shay get her nose?” someone piped up.

My mom held up her hands in a defensive gesture and shrugged, wide-eyed.  “No clue.  That’s shit’s not from me.”
 
 
**Update:  In the months since I drafted this post, the hubs actually has surprised me with my own Smartphone--and taught me how to use it.  Which is a major sore point for my friends, who are so sick of my big-nosed selfies from all different angles (I mean, it works as a camera, Facebook, and flashlight ALL IN ONE!!) that now they, too, are threatening to delete me from Facebook, much like I once threatened my mom. 
 
Whatevs.

19 comments:

  1. Goat/lawn mower. Hilarious! Now I'm gonna have to Goooogle George Strait. Ok, I'm back. Suppose I should be ashamed of my ignorance but I'm not! It's going to have to get in line behind all the other shames. Meanwhile my SIL is trying to indoctrinate my Zoe w/ country music and I'm not having it. Though I'm not sure my Depeche Mode dirge music is all that defensible in terms of introducing it to a 3-yr-old.

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    1. Stick to your guns, Liz! I like a little bit of country, but for the most part, I'm all pop rock. Which I'm pretty sure, now that I say it out loud, is not at all better than country, is it? In fact, I seem to recall that just last night, after I'd had a couple of beers, my husband started flipping through my playlist on that fancy new phone of mine and announced to all of our friends gathered that I had One Direction and Miley Cyrus in my phone...DAMMIT. I've just lost your total respect, haven't I? :)

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    2. Oh, and the goat/lawn mower was FOR REAL. Until it got stolen. Also for real. Can you imagine?!

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  2. Laughed all the way through this. Love the flip phone that doesn't flip. I guess that's what you get for dos pesos. Did your husband know you were gonna post this shizz so he ran out in shame to get you a functioning phone before he was outed? Hey, you gotta make this blogging work for YOU. I say block your mom anyway just for the way she pronounces Google. Also, how many boyfriends does your mom have?

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    1. No, he stopped reading my blog a long time ago, which is better for me because then I can be even more of an asshole. :) My mom only has one boyfriend (right now), but he's so old that he counts as 3 because if you divided up how many years he is, it still adds up to 3 adult men.

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    2. Actually, make that 4. He could make 4 adult men. Jeez, she's an even bigger whore than I'd originally thought, huh? (Love you, Mom!!)

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  3. Do you hear that, rapists?- LOL!!!! My grandpa lives with my mom and she does everything for him, never says thanks. Then he got an iPhone with Siri, and he'll say thank you to her.

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  4. You are the funniest blogger I have ever read! I love your posts! This one was hilarious. I can just imagine your mother. I'm glad you warned the rapists!!

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    1. Betty, this comment has MADE MY NIGHT! Thank you!!!!

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  5. Wait, what?? You wrote a post about George Strait and didn't offer it to me for raised on the radio?
    And it made me laugh my ass off? What the hell?
    Maybe you'll be so kind as to let me repost it sometime in March? Maybe? Because you love me so?

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    1. SHIT!! Of COURSE you can re-post it in March! I will even make a note on my calendar to remind myself to get ahold of you. Think I'm kidding? Totally Type A over here. *Grabbing pen and making notation*

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  6. I actually had to Gooooooogle Rotel - I didn't know what that was. I must say I'm not particularly impressed. We eat our hot dogs with Velveeta shells and cheese. As for the cell phone, my parents both got smart phones about a year ago, and they are bigger addicts than their children or grandchildren. And they talk into the phone all the type - it's totally obnoxious.

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  7. You may be joking, but how many times have I said that we need either a goat or a sheep to act as lawnmower? Think about it. You get the grass cut for free, and you get the fertilizer for free. Now how is that a bad deal? Bet the rednecks didn't think of that part. That's right - I'm smarter than a redneck. Yee-haw.

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  8. Some great ideas here, as always. I think I would rather mow my lawn than clean up goat poop, but if you could maybe RENT a goat? I'm down.
    I JUST got my smartphone last year, fought it with intensity, saying "Remember the phone I dropped in the bucket of paint? Remember HOW many times I've dropped phones in toilets/puddles/pools? It's a really bad idea" but for some stupid reason he got me one anyway. I think for the low-jack inside of it. But the jokes on him, if I'm ever on the lam I can't make it far without having to go to the bathroom, so the police will find my phone in a dirty gas station bathroom just outside of town.

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  9. omgeeee…so funny! post it note with a note written in Spanish with a Sharpie. Gawd, it reminded me of this big ass Nokia thing I had to drag around with me for the longest time because my husband used them at his job and put me on the plan. He kept saying "But it's a walkie talkie too!" as if I'd ever need to play GI Joe or something.

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  10. Shay, you slay me!

    Anonymous J

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  11. OMGEEE...
    Too many things had me peeing my pants! I can't even narrow it down to comment!

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  12. Sadly, all of my parents now have smart-phones (mom and her hubs, dad and his wife) and they try to call me and be all Face-Time and shit, forcing me to lie and say that I'm not at home and don't have wi-fi where I am. Which is when hubs or my son turns on the tv or whatever making it obvious I was lying and am the ass who doesn't want to Face-Time my own family because I haven't showered in three days and I don't like doing the fake smile when really all I can see is how ugly my chin in because when did it get all double and stuff?
    And the goat lawn mower. Is that for real true? It's quite brilliant really...

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