Honest to God, you guys, I thought about writing a real thankful list because there are so many things I love about Thanksgiving—which is the gateway to Christmas, which is totally my favorite time of year.
But there are, in fact, so many things I love about this time of year that as I started penning (Look at that fancy word that doesn’t belong on this trashy blog) the post, I realized that I’d be at the computer all night if I kept listing the things that I truly love and for which I’m thankful.
And ain’t nobody got time for that bullshit. I’m writing this on a Friday night, and I’ve got beer to drink. (You can substitute any day of the week in the previous sentence. It’ll still work.)
So instead, I’m going to do what I do best and shove all of my true emotions waaaaay down into the pit of my stomach—where they belong—and focus instead on the snark. Because that’s healthy, right?
But just know as you read this list that despite being raised by assholes in a family full of people who grew up to be assholes, my childhood was picture perfect, and that included Thanksgiving. And this picture perfection has carried on to my adulthood, where Thanksgiving morning I wake up to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade with my own little family before heading off to either my in-laws’ or my dad’s to be with the people I love most in the whole entire world.
Dear God, thank goodness that paragraph is over. I almost puked myself writing it. See? Emotions belong in the pit of the stomach.
Without further ado, here is my Thanksgiving thankful list:
1.) I’m thankful that my little sister is so stupid. She’s like one of those goddamned amoebas—you know, those single-cell organisms with no brain? I get to write so much shit about her, and she’ll never even know because she lacks the capability to read.
Psst…little sis, if you have somehow learned to read without me knowing, don’t worry: I had to google “Are single-celled organisms without brains called amoebas?”
Holy shit, why am I bothering with my idea of an apology? We all know she hasn’t learned how to read. Like I always say, though: She’s only 30. She’s got plenty of time to figure it out. Right?
2.) Not to be forgotten, I’m thankful that my older sister is such an asshole. And she’s the best kind of asshole for a blog author, too. (Don’t you love it how I call myself an “author” when nothing that I’ve ever written has been fcking published, unless you count the poem I wrote in the 8th grade for the anthology that my English teacher typed up herself on a typewriter that she perched on her desk while we were all instructed to read silently? Which, by the way, I do. I do count that.)
Anyway, big sis is the best kind of asshole for a totally-published-in-an-8th-grade-anthology blog authorette, because she’s a show off who helps me out by saying things like this: “Do you need blog post ideas? What about the time I was mad that Mom let you wear my skirt to school for picture day, so I drove the entire way with the passenger side window rolled down so that the hair that took you 2 hours to style got blown all to shit right before your pictures were taken? Have you written about that yet? You should. You have my permission.”
Yeah, snatch. I’m sure I do. She always adds this: “If it makes you feel any better, I felt awful about that a couple of years later…although now I think it’s funny again.”
3.) I’m thankful for the year my mom got drunk on Christmas Eve and slipped and fell in all the Christmas wrapping after we’d all opened our presents. She tried to play it off and act like she’d done it on purpose, flinging wrapping all over the living room while screaming, “Yippeeee!” but that only made the whole scene more uncomfortable for everyone.
Oh, and I know that it happened closer to Christmas, but I’m thankful for it right now because we start reminding her of it every year on Thanksgiving. We’ve only gotten 20 years of mileage out of that memory; we need that extra 4 weeks per year.
4.) A Thanksgiving hangover, because then it means that I’ve had a successful drunken blast the night before, catching up with all of my old dork friends from high school.
Dammit, I miss my Thanksgiving hangovers. I can’t wait until my kids are old enough to fix their own breakfasts…or is it cool to leave a bowl of dry Cheerios on the couch for them to wake up to?
But seriously, back in the day, the hallmark of a good Thanksgiving was how drunk you had managed to get the night before. If you didn’t wake up feeling like shit on Thanksgiving, then basically you were a loser with no friends to go out with the night before.
And me? Well, I’ll take that raging hangover feeling over the I-spent-the-night-playing-Balderdash-in-my-basement-alone-(again) feeling any damned day.
But that’s just me.
5.) I’m thankful every single time my dad pulls the turkey out of the oven and whips out the turkey baster, proclaiming himself “The Master Baster.”
He’s been doing this for as long as I can remember, and seriously, peeps, it never gets old.
6.) I really only had 5 things, but I thought of a (real) one as I was writing this post. I’m thankful for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (especially if Hansen is featured). I love waking up on Thanksgiving day and watching it on t.v. with my family.
I have done this since I was a little girl, and I continue to do it to this day. In fact, my husband and I got into a teensy tiff over it last week. Due to our slightly conflicting schedules this year, he decided to take my boys a bit early to their grandma and grandpa’s house while I stayed home to work. The agreement was that they’d all be back by Wednesday afternoon, the day before Thanksgiving.
Last week, though, he said, “Hey, I was thinking I’d give you an extra afternoon off from this mothering stuff. Why don’t I go out with my friends Wednesday night while Mom and Dad watch the kids, then we’ll meet you back here on Thanksgiving afternoon?”
I was totally calm about his suggestion. My head started spinning around and around, and blood spurted out of my eyes as I screamed “BUT YOU KNOW I LOVE TO WAKE UP WITH THE FAMILY AND WATCH THE PARAAAAAAAAAADE!!!! IT’S NOT THE SAME IF THE PEOPLE I LOVE AREN’T WITH ME AS I WATCH THE PARAAAAAAAADE, MOTHER FCKER!!!!”
The hubs sighed, rolled his eyes, and called his buddies to cancel their plans. Then he goes, “Am I considered one of those people? Because on most days I can’t tell.” I called him a sentimental diva and life went back to normal.
It’s actually a new addition on my Bucket List to go to New York to witness the parade in person one of these years. Do you think this will be one of those cute little posts that goes viral and my husband will see it and take me there next year?
Probably not. Asshole.
And I love them even more for not only letting me make fun of them on this blog, but also for being so damned supportive of what I write.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE!!!!!!!!
I'll be back next Friday with a regularly-scheduled post. Hope you join me!