Thursday, November 28, 2013

My Thanksgiving Thankful List


Honest to God, you guys, I thought about writing a real thankful list because there are so many things I love about Thanksgiving—which is the gateway to Christmas, which is totally my favorite time of year. 

But there are, in fact, so many things I love about this time of year that as I started penning (Look at that fancy word that doesn’t belong on this trashy blog) the post, I realized that I’d be at the computer all night if I kept listing the things that I truly love and for which I’m thankful.

And ain’t nobody got time for that bullshit. I’m writing this on a Friday night, and I’ve got beer to drink.  (You can substitute any day of the week in the previous sentence.  It’ll still work.)

So instead, I’m going to do what I do best and shove all of my true emotions waaaaay down into the pit of my stomach—where they belong—and focus instead on the snark.  Because that’s healthy, right?

But just know as you read this list that despite being raised by assholes in a family full of people who grew up to be assholes, my childhood was picture perfect, and that included Thanksgiving.  And this picture perfection has carried on to my adulthood, where Thanksgiving morning I wake up to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade with my own little family before heading off to either my in-laws’ or my dad’s to be with the people I love most in the whole entire world.

Dear God, thank goodness that paragraph is over.  I almost puked myself writing it.  See?  Emotions belong in the pit of the stomach. 

Without further ado, here is my Thanksgiving thankful list:

1.)   I’m thankful that my little sister is so stupid.  She’s like one of those goddamned amoebas—you know, those single-cell organisms with no brain?  I get to write so much shit about her, and she’ll never even know because she lacks the capability to read.

Psst…little sis, if you have somehow learned to read without me knowing, don’t worry:  I had to google “Are single-celled organisms without brains called amoebas?”

Holy shit, why am I bothering with my idea of an apology?  We all know she hasn’t learned how to read.  Like I always say, though:  She’s only 30.  She’s got plenty of time to figure it out. Right?

2.)   Not to be forgotten, I’m thankful that my older sister is such an asshole.  And she’s the best kind of asshole for a blog author, too. (Don’t you love it how I call myself an “author” when nothing that I’ve ever written has been fcking published, unless you count the poem I wrote in the 8th grade for the anthology that my English teacher typed up herself on a typewriter that she perched on her desk while we were all instructed to read silently? Which, by the way, I do.  I do count that.)

Anyway, big sis is the best kind of asshole for a totally-published-in-an-8th-grade-anthology blog authorette, because she’s a show off who helps me out by saying things like this:  “Do you need blog post ideas?  What about the time I was mad that Mom let you wear my skirt to school for picture day, so I drove the entire way with the passenger side window rolled down so that the hair that took you 2 hours to style got blown all to shit right before your pictures were taken?  Have you written about that yet?  You should.  You have my permission.”

Yeah, snatch.  I’m sure I do.  She always adds this:  “If it makes you feel any better, I felt awful about that a couple of years later…although now I think it’s funny again.”

3.)   I’m thankful for the year my mom got drunk on Christmas Eve and slipped and fell in all the Christmas wrapping after we’d all opened our presents.  She tried to play it off and act like she’d done it on purpose, flinging wrapping all over the living room while screaming, “Yippeeee!” but that only made the whole scene more uncomfortable for everyone.

Oh, and I know that it happened closer to Christmas, but I’m thankful for it right now because we start reminding her of it every year on Thanksgiving. We’ve only gotten 20 years of mileage out of that memory; we need that extra 4 weeks per year.

4.)   A Thanksgiving hangover, because then it means that I’ve had a successful drunken blast the night before, catching up with all of my old dork friends from high school.

Dammit, I miss my Thanksgiving hangovers.  I can’t wait until my kids are old enough to fix their own breakfasts…or is it cool to leave a bowl of dry Cheerios on the couch for them to wake up to?

But seriously, back in the day, the hallmark of a good Thanksgiving was how drunk you had managed to get the night before.  If you didn’t wake up feeling like shit on Thanksgiving, then basically you were a loser with no friends to go out with the night before.

And me?  Well, I’ll take that raging hangover feeling over the I-spent-the-night-playing-Balderdash-in-my-basement-alone-(again) feeling any damned day.

But that’s just me.

5.)   I’m thankful every single time my dad pulls the turkey out of the oven and whips out the turkey baster, proclaiming himself “The Master Baster.” 

He’s been doing this for as long as I can remember, and seriously, peeps, it never gets old. 

Hilarious.

6.)   I really only had 5 things, but I thought of a (real) one as I was writing this post.  I’m thankful for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (especially if Hansen is featured).  I love waking up on Thanksgiving day and watching it on t.v. with my family.

I have done this since I was a little girl, and I continue to do it to this day.  In fact, my husband and I got into a teensy tiff over it last week.  Due to our slightly conflicting schedules this year, he decided to take my boys a bit early to their grandma and grandpa’s house while I stayed home to work.  The agreement was that they’d all be back by Wednesday afternoon, the day before Thanksgiving. 

Last week, though, he said, “Hey, I was thinking I’d give you an extra afternoon off from this mothering stuff.   Why don’t I go out with my friends Wednesday night while Mom and Dad watch the kids, then we’ll meet you back here on Thanksgiving afternoon?”

I was totally calm about his suggestion.  My head started spinning around and around, and blood spurted out of my eyes as I screamed “BUT YOU KNOW I LOVE TO WAKE UP WITH THE FAMILY AND WATCH THE PARAAAAAAAAAADE!!!!  IT’S NOT THE SAME IF THE PEOPLE I LOVE AREN’T WITH ME AS I WATCH THE PARAAAAAAAADE, MOTHER FCKER!!!!”

The hubs sighed, rolled his eyes, and called his buddies to cancel their plans.  Then he goes, “Am I considered one of those people?  Because on most days I can’t tell.”  I called him a sentimental diva and life went back to normal.

It’s actually a new addition on my Bucket List to go to New York to witness the parade in person one of these years.  Do you think this will be one of those cute little posts that goes viral and my husband will see it and take me there next year?

Probably not.  Asshole.

 
In all seriousness, have an awesome, blessed Thanksgiving, and remember to appreciate those around you.  Despite what you read on this blog, I am actually a sentimental fool who thanks God every single day for the many “little things” in life—and the big ones, including my boys, my hubs, and my awesome family and friends. 

And I love them even more for not only letting me make fun of them on this blog, but also for being so damned supportive of what I write.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE!!!!!!!!

I'll be back next Friday with a regularly-scheduled post.  Hope you join me!

14 comments:

  1. You are the sweetest person ever. You really should stop being so nice. People might take advantage. Happy Thanksgiving, Shay!

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    1. Is it THAT obvious, Kate?? Haha--but I swear that my family knows it's all in fun. And they give as well as they get, I promise! Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!

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  2. You had me at Master Bater. Awesome thankful list you mushy sentimental skank, you. I laughed out loud at your sister keeping the window open to mess up your hair while also thanking God I only had unimaginative brothers growing up. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family, Shay!

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    1. She's just as mean as she used to be, too. She would do it again in a heartbeat. :) Happy Thanksgiving to you, too, one of my favorite skanksters!

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    2. Or should I say "Happy SKANKSgiving"??

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  3. My siblings help me out in the asshole category too. Endless supply of material. "Master Baster" kills me! Your dad, Shay - hilarious! PS...The dry cereal idea is totally cool with me. I'm gonna adopt that over here.

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    1. My dad is the best. Cracks us up constantly. Can you believe, though, that growing up, he was strict as hell? Our friends that meet him now have a hard time believing it b/c he's just so much fun, but he was kind of a hardass growing up! Always cool as hell, though. :)

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  4. I love and will continue to love how you refer to everyone in your family as an asshole. That just warms the cucholds of my blackened heart.

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    1. Erin, I do belive that you and I are two peas in a pod...is that how the saying goes, or do we need another pea to be peas in a pod? We'll throw Kim in there, too. BOOM! Three peas in a pod. :)

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  5. Watching the parade in person is on my bucket list too, Shay! Although while I was watching this year and seeing how cold it was out there, I began to rethink that. There is something to be said for watching it in my pajamas and bedhead. Oh, and dry Cheerios are a perfectly acceptable breakfast. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving, Shay!

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    1. That's EXACTLY what my husband said, Dana! He said, "I know you say you want to go there every year, but look at the crowd...and how cold it is out there...and how comfortable it is in here..." and you know what? I kind of came around to his way of thinking. I just kind of non-committally said, "Well, maybe when the kids are older we can go..." although now I'm not even sure if I want to! Haha. My Thanksgiving was wonderful; I hope yours was great too, Dana!

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  6. Hilarious! I'm not sure if my favorite is your older sister or your dad. Or your mom. What a crew! I miss going out the night before Thanksgiving aka my wasted youth. Both meanings of "wasted"!

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    1. Thanks, Liz--and I am so with you on that wasted stuff! Haha

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  7. OMG! Why does it seem that I ALWAYS had to celebrate the day before an event and then nurse the hangover during the event? I have since learned to deny the existence of said hangover. I also sense the assholes are loved very much. Maybe because I am very sensitive and can read into things, or maybe because you said it. Whatever. As for the parade? meh, notsomuch anymore. crowd + cold = nah. pj's and bedhead are the way to go. And Alice's Restaurant massacre is another tradition for me and my kids, it plays on the radio while we travel to where ever our destination is that year.

    Glad you shared your list!
    Anonymous J

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