I used to write a newsletter for one of my moms’ groups (shut up).
It was a volunteer position, so I tried as hard as I could to get fired by throwing in as many curse words as possible while making a mockery of the established format by including ridiculous shit like this recipe.
Trouble was, I had underestimated them in their mom jeans, and they weren’t as tightly wound as I had originally thought. In fact, the moms ended up loving my writing style AND my mostly-borrowed recipes—which, admittedly, were semi-unhealthy but totally useful for busy working moms in a pinch—which we all were at times.
The moms actually ended up talking me into penning a tongue-in-cheek cookbook for a fundraiser, and we had even placed a few pre-orders…when I finally achieved my goal of getting let go. Apparently “douchebag” would fly, but not the eff word.
Let me use a little anecdote from my past to explain what you’ll find in the recipe archives here:
My older sister used to host Christmas parties at her house. She’d flurry around the room, dropping hand-painted glass swizzle sticks in everyone’s drinks and singing, “Love is in the details!” as we all watched, mouths agape.
The first time she said it, I freaked out.
“Love is in the details?” I repeated, almost dropping my rum and coke. “Holy shit, I hope not! My kids will think I hate them!”
Because, you see, normally my recipes have about 3 details: ground beef, condensed cream of mushroom soup, and tater tots—that, in my famous tater tot casserole, are still frozen rock hard when you put them into the oven. When I’m feeling really fancy, I sprinkle a little cheese over the top of the whole thing.
I decided then and there that my new mantra for the kids as I was serving up dinner would be “The less Mommy does, the more she loves you!” so that when I pop a Chef Boyardee can in front of them at the table, their little faces will look up at me, shining with awe and pride as they say, “You must really, really love me, Mom.”
“Damn straight I do, kiddos,” I’ll respond, ruffling their sweet hair.
I’m bringing June Cleaver back, bitches.
I have a ton of these recipes saved up in the form of blog posts, because I found a while back that I really enjoy writing in this style, and it’s even fun to make a recipe into a short story.
But since I’m a post hoarder who only posts once a week (on Fridays), I’m going to hoard them for those weeks when I just can’t seem to find the time to write (because obviously I’m too busy whipping up gourmet meals in the kitch). In the meantime, I’ll leave links to the first two recipes—we’ll call them the “debut recipes”—which were previously posted on this blog. In the future, look for the recipes to be posted on any random Friday and then added to the list on the page I’ve just created (Check out the shiny new tab above!) called Trashy Recipe Recommendations.
Also, if you have a recipe suggestion for me to try out and then write a post about, please e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org, c/o Skank. If I use your recipe, I’ll totally include a link back to your blog, which will earn you, like, 3 additional readers.
Oh, and remember—I’m not Emeril fcking Lagasse. If your recipe suggestion has more than 3-5 steps, then one of them had better be something like crushing some damned Saltines over the top of whatever the hell it is I’m making.
Just kidding…sort of. J Seriously, though, thanks for playing along, guys. I have a feeling this could be fun.
Spaghetti Hot Dogs (Thank you, Pinterest!)
Oh--and on a side note, did you know that I guest posted over at The Menopausal Mom on Wednesday? If you haven't read it yet, I'd love for you to go check it out here--and then stick around and read some of Marcia's great stuff. I adore that woman; on top of being a brilliant writer, she's also hilarious and sweet. You won't be disappointed!