Friday, October 4, 2013

The Debut of Trashy Recipe Recommendations


I used to write a newsletter for one of my moms’ groups (shut up). 

It was a volunteer position, so I tried as hard as I could to get fired by throwing in as many curse words as possible while making a mockery of the established format by including ridiculous shit like this recipe.

Trouble was, I had underestimated them in their mom jeans, and they weren’t as tightly wound as I had originally thought.  In fact, the moms ended up loving my writing style AND my mostly-borrowed recipes—which, admittedly, were semi-unhealthy but totally useful for busy working moms in a pinch—which we all were at times.

The moms actually ended up talking me into penning a tongue-in-cheek cookbook for a fundraiser, and we had even placed a few pre-orders…when I finally achieved my goal of getting let go.  Apparently “douchebag” would fly, but not the eff word.

Who knew??

Let me use a little anecdote from my past to explain what you’ll find in the recipe archives here:

My older sister used to host Christmas parties at her house.  She’d flurry around the room, dropping hand-painted glass swizzle sticks in everyone’s drinks and singing, “Love is in the details!” as we all watched, mouths agape.

The first time she said it, I freaked out. 

“Love is in the details?” I repeated, almost dropping my rum and coke.  “Holy shit, I hope not!  My kids will think I hate them!”

Because, you see, normally my recipes have about 3 details:  ground beef, condensed cream of mushroom soup, and tater tots—that, in my famous tater tot casserole, are still frozen rock hard when you put them into the oven.  When I’m feeling really fancy, I sprinkle a little cheese over the top of the whole thing.

I decided then and there that my new mantra for the kids as I was serving up dinner would be “The less Mommy does, the more she loves you!” so that when I pop a Chef Boyardee can in front of them at the table, their little faces will look up at me, shining with awe and pride as they say, “You must really, really love me, Mom.”

“Damn straight I do, kiddos,” I’ll respond, ruffling their sweet hair.

I’m bringing June Cleaver back, bitches.

I have a ton of these recipes saved up in the form of blog posts, because I found a while back that I really enjoy writing in this style, and it’s even fun to make a recipe into a short story.

But since I’m a post hoarder who only posts once a week (on Fridays), I’m going to hoard them for those weeks when I just can’t seem to find the time to write (because obviously I’m too busy whipping up gourmet meals in the kitch).  In the meantime, I’ll leave links to the first two recipes—we’ll call them the “debut recipes”—which were previously posted on this blog.  In the future, look for the recipes to be posted on any random Friday and then added to the list on the page I’ve just created (Check out the shiny new tab above!) called Trashy Recipe Recommendations.

Also, if you have a recipe suggestion for me to try out and then write a post about, please e-mail me at info@trashyblog.com, c/o Skank.  If I use your recipe, I’ll totally include a link back to your blog, which will earn you, like, 3 additional readers.

Oh, and remember—I’m not Emeril fcking Lagasse.  If your recipe suggestion has more than 3-5 steps, then one of them had better be something like crushing some damned Saltines over the top of whatever the hell it is I’m making.

Just kidding…sort of.  J  Seriously, though, thanks for playing along, guys.  I have a feeling this could be fun.

Recipes:

Spaghetti Hot Dogs (Thank you, Pinterest!)

 
Oh--and on a side note, did you know that I guest posted over at The Menopausal Mom on Wednesday?  If you haven't read it yet, I'd love for you to go check it out here--and then stick around and read some of Marcia's great stuff.  I adore that woman; on top of being a brilliant writer, she's also hilarious and sweet.  You won't be disappointed!

16 comments:

  1. I LOVE that you are doing this! Damn clever! Hey, I actually enjoy cooking but oh man, if I can get away with those 3 ingredient deals with ZERO prep time, it's a winner. The Crockpot has become my new best friend----throw a bunch of raw crap into the pot (they should call it a crap-pot...but then no one would ever eat anything made in it...) flip the switch to "low" and 6-8 hours later you've got a meal with everything in it (meat, starch and vegetables). Can't beat it for time. As always, your post is effing hilarious (your sister and the swizzle sticks---HAHAHA). Love it & LOVE you! XO

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  2. Marcia, you are so damn awesome. XO right back atcha! I seriously have all of these "blog post" recipes that I otherwise wouldn't be using...so why not, right? Thanks for your never-ending support!!

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  3. Finally! Recipes on a blog that I can actually use. I tune out after ingredient #4, so I think your recipes will be perfect for me! Make sure you tell us which beer we should pair with it, too.

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    1. ANY beer, Dana, because that's what will make this mediocre crap taste better. :) How did I miss this comment earlier?

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  4. Girl, you're WAY better than Emeril effing Lagasse. There. I said it. BAM! And after reading the hot dog/spaghetti post and realizing your culinary genius couples so well with your humor...well, I see a cookbook and a Food Network show on the horizon. Move over Pioneer Woman. Here comes Shay with a food filled tray. And you'll be there cooking away with your cigarette hanging outta your mouth...the ashes falling into the casserole, Guy Fieri'll be mixin' you a mai tai. Good times. I look forward to that. What time do we eat?

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    1. You'll be the first one I call to come hang out with me...we could couple some of your delicious cocktails with the meal and make it a party!!

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    2. I like that! That's it Shay - we're pitching our own show to Food Network. We could blow Guy Fieri away!

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  5. You had me at Emeril effin whatever

    go

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    1. Alright!! I'll expect you to help with drink recipes, too, Lance.

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  6. I love this! Freaking hysterical and she can cook! Sort of... ;-). Every mom needs Skank Dip!

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    1. Thank you so much!! And I agree about the skank dip! I tell you what, if you set the bar low, people will compliment you on ANYTHING. I sent my boys to school today with pesto noodles for lunch, and all of the teachers just about went crazy asking me for the recipe. I go, "Um, you boil the contents of a pesto sauce packet in water and oil and then mix it into the noodles." See? Low bar=swooning people when you do anything. Haha

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  7. OMG recipes from a blog I can actually use! Between tator tot casserole and the hot dog concoction I am sold. Easy recipes *and* funny stuff to read - can't ask for much more ... unless you could just come over and cook it!

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  8. Brilliant! A skanky cookbook is exactly what this world needs! Your book cover should be a bowl of Mac & Cheese with a cigarette butt in it.

    By the way, I did the spaghetti/hot dog recipe BECAUSE of your recommendation! My kids thought it was disgusting...but what do they know.

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  9. Hahahahahhaha!! I will be the first to admit that I do miss the mark sometimes...sorry about that, Kim! But I'm laughing out loud over here. My kids actually loved it, but to be fair, I've set the bar really low. :)

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  10. You. Fu@king. Rock. For real. I want to submit a recipe. I mean, when I use one. When I use one, can I submit it? Also, I hope my kid NEVER hears that bitchass expression "love is in the details." Fk them. Love is in putting up with him, chasing him, going to the playground when I just want a nap. Details in food? Overachieving assholes.

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