Friday, October 11, 2013

Bitch Tits


I once scheduled a doctor’s appointment because I thought I felt a lump on my right boob.

When I got into the examination room, however, the doctor felt around up there, paused, and felt around again.  Then he looked at me, seemingly trying to figure out how to put it lightly.

“You’re not feeling a lump.  You’re feeling your bones.  You don’t have a lot of flesh in that area.”

I looked up at him from my spot on the examination table and blinked.  “Why, thank you, doctor.  I hadn’t realized.  It’s almost as if all of those years being called Bottlecaps and Mosquito Bites in junior high taught me nothing.”

I saw the nurse, who was standing behind the doctor to ensure that he was not molesting this hot piece of gangly, pasty-white, little-boobed horseface, hold her hand up to her mouth to conceal a giggle.  But the doctor was having none of it.

“What I mean,” he began, glaring at me as he gave the totally unnecessary clarification, “is that you have a small frame.  And many times, that comes with not a lot of breast tissue.”

I shot him a smile.  “And what I’m hearing,” I said, giving a little clarification of my own, “is that my boobs are miniscule, but at least I’m skinny.  And no cancer.  I’ll take it.  Thanks, Doc.”

He obviously had a dry sense of humor, and I can dig that.  So when he sighed, rolled his eyes, snapped his file folder shut and stalked out the door, I knew he was doing it with a laugh in his step.

He’s welc.

Point of the story (which I swear is pertinent to the rest of the post):  I have little boobs.  And yes, I could have just said that from the get-go, but dammit if I don’t like to hear myself talk.

A couple of years ago, the hubs and I were discussing what to do about the reactions that our then 2-year-old son had begun having to milk.  Our pediatrician had suggested giving him soy instead, but I was concerned that by doing this, we’d also be giving him an unfair start in life since I’d heard that soy made boys grow bitch tits.

Now, you have to know one thing about my oldest son—and please don’t take this as a stupid mommy bragging moment, because I don’t engage in all that competitive crap. It’s just that it’s vital to the story:  Although he was only 2, my son had been speaking in full paragraphs since he was 18 months old.  It was normally so much fun to listen to because it just amazed us, but as we would learn, the drawback to it was that we’d have to start watching what we said a lot sooner than we thought. 

But in all fairness, in this case we were in the car and the radio was turned up.  We didn’t think our kid could hear us.  Had we known that he could, we would have used the more widely accepted and appropriate term “man boobs” as we discussed my conversation with the doctor:

“So Dr. S said I should start replacing real milk with soy milk, but I told her, I said, ‘Okay, doc, that’s cool, but what about bitch tits?  I’ve heard soy gives boys bitch tits.'”

Does soy give boys bitch tits?” my husband asked, taking his eyes off the road for a moment to shoot me an inquisitive look.  I knew the answer was important to him because since the milk sensitivity issues had started and one of his hippie friends had sent him a link about it, the hubs had tried to get all Alicia Silverstone on my ass and ban all milk from the house.  And I was having none of it.

“Well, that’s what I heard happened to Jeremy Piven—“

“Who the hell is Jeremy Piven?”

“That guy from Entourage who also got mercury poisoning from eating too much sushi,” I explained.  I paused, my train of thought momentarily interrupted.  “I believe that what Jeremy Piven needs more than soy milk and sushi are lessons on how not to be a douche.  Anyway, I don’t know if soy causes bitch tits.  That’s why I asked the doctor.”

“Did you really use the term bitch tits when you asked her?” my husband inquired.

I looked at him.  “Of course I used the term bitch tits.  What else would I use?”

“Oh, I don’t know…swollen mammary glands?”

“Hm.  Good one.”

“Anyway,” the hubs said, getting me back on track.  “What did she say?  Did she say it’ll give him bitch tits?”

I shrugged.  “She said she doesn’t know.  She looked right at me and said, ‘I don’t know if it’ll give him bitch tits’—“

“Wait,” the hubs said, laughing.  “She said bitch tits, too?”

“She really did!” I squealed.  Then I turned serious.  “She said she’d heard those rumors too, but then she said, and I quote, ‘I’ve had my 5-year-old drinking soy since he was a toddler, and he doesn’t have bitch tits.’”

I remember in the doctor’s office, I had asked her, “And none seem to be sprouting?” and she’d responded by shaking her head and saying, “Nope.  No bitch tits on the horizon.”

The hubs and I marveled laughingly for a few minutes at the doctor who understood me so well that she had taken to speaking my language when communicating important information to me.  Hey, whatever works, right?

Then it was the hubs’s turn to get serious.  “Well, I guess we’re back to square one then, aren’t we?  We don’t want him drinking milk because it makes him sick, but we’re not sure if we want to give him soy in case he gets bitch tits…”

We both sighed, stuck between a rock and a bitch tit.  That’s when the little guy in question piped up from his carseat in the back.  “Mom?”

I twisted my body around in my seat to face him.  “Yeah, buddy?”

“What are bitch tits?”

I gasped, and my eyes grew wide. I stole a glance at the hubs, who wore an expression that mirrored mine.  I looked back at my son.  “Um…well…bitch tits are when someone who maybe isn’t supposed to have boobs actually has them?”

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the hubs shooting me daggers.  I turned to him, widening my eyes even more and shrugging my shoulders in a defensive stance.  Hey, if the hubs thought he could do a better job of explaining bitch tits to a 2-year-old, then by all means.

But the hubs didn’t have time to try.  He didn’t even have time to inform our son that bitch tits was an adult term that he should not be saying. 

Because just then, in perfect comedic timing, our little 2-year-old said, “Maybe you should drink a lot of that stuff, then, Mom, so you can get bitch tits.”

Is it true what they say, that smartass breeds smartass?  Because if so, this is totally my own fault.

But I’ll do what I usually do and blame the hubs instead.

14 comments:

  1. This had me rolling! Until your pediatrician said "bitch tits" in response to your concern. Not because I'm offended in any way but because she obviously cares about communicating and addressing your concerns. Then (while happy for you and your children) I got really bummed, because we need a new Dr for Animal. Hopefully I'll have my own funny story to tell someday...

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    1. Isn't that the best? Now, you and I have talked about how I'm a religious person, but you could never tell it from this blog...haha. But seriously, God puts the best people into my life. This doctor knew exactly how to deal with my questions! Good luck finding a doctor for Animal who can roll with your personality, too!

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  2. I am now addicted to reading your blog... you start my day in giggles...thanks for your honesty and life stories. You are a brave one!

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  3. Oh man. How would I describe bitch tits to a 2 year old??? That's a tough one. LOL. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. You're so welcome. Thanks for reading!

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  4. I absolutely think that smartass breeds smartass. I have two of them at home, bred by yours truly and the smartass love of my life. Don't tell them, but it makes me kinda proud. Don't tell me you're not just a little impressed by your son's humor - it's a gift you should celebrate.

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    1. I agree completely, Dana. Even if I am forever the butt of his jokes, I will be proud. :)

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  5. Pardon me, off to the store to buy soy milk...

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    1. Jenn, I love when you stop by to comment because your comments always crack me the hell up!

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  6. Smart kid you got there....looks like you are ALWAYS going to have to watch what you say from now on. Geez, my teenage son drinks soy milk. Is he going to get teen bitch tits?

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    1. Oh, yes we watch what we say for sure! I think if they haven't sprouted yet, Marcia, your son is probably going to be fine. Haha. Our little guy outgrew his aversion and drinks regular milk now, but our youngest son now has issues with milk. We go with almond milk for him, just in case. :)

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  7. Holy shit, skankster sistah! Your timing is impeccable. I told my hubs like 10 days ago that he's maybe getting bitch tits. For real (he sortof is but not as bad as a dude I work with - remind me to send you the photo I got CAUGHT taking in a meeting to show the world how round and jiggly and womanly bitch-like my co-worker's are).
    In other news, your young child sounds bloody brilliant. So you've got that going for ya. ;)

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  8. Jeremy Piven is never gonna live down that sushi incident and I say, good. Because he's a douche. Talented, But a douche. Also? Small boobs. I been there. When the teacher asked our class to point out the great american flatlands, the whole class pointed at me. And I played Tiny Tim in our college production of A Christmas Carol because they didn't have to bind my chest. Yeah...

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