There’s a little thing in my family that we like to call The Magazine Rotation.
Actually, it’s not so much a “thing” as it is a very exclusive club consisting of only 3 select members:
· My dad, who buys the People magazines and reads them before passing them on to my older sister
· My older sister—aka The Magazine Whisperer because my dad and I have never seen someone so gentle with a magazine— who receives the secondhand Peoples from Dad, reads them, and then adds them to the Us magazines that she buys and reads before handing the entire stack off to me
· Me, the brains behind the whole operation because I’m too cheap to buy my own damned magazines
We three members of The Magazine Rotation have decided that it’s a lifetime club and that we will never accept new members. This drives my mom and little sister crazy, but we have our reasons: My 30-year-old sister can’t even read, so what the hell does she need our sweet celebrity gossip pages for, anyway, to wipe her ass?
And Mom? Well, Mom’s a page crinkler.
And there’s no em-effing page crinkling in The Magazine Rotation.
We’re psycho about our magazines. People who have witnessed the handoff ceremonies have been astounded at the special loving care we take when delivering them from one reader to the next: Our mags are always double-bagged in two of the more durable Old Navy-type plastic shopping bags—none of that Wal-Mart bullshit—and the size of the bags is always carefully considered, too. If the bags are too big, it leaves room for the magazines to get knocked around and dented—and we can’t have that. If they’re too small, the magazines will bend backwards into U formation, rendering them useless on a treadmill magazine rack.
The bags that hold our precious cargo have to be just right, and we are so adamant about this that we call it the Goldilocks Complex.
So you see, we have it down to an art, and anyone else might mess it up.
Last week, I was at my dad’s house with my older sister when a big fight broke out. You see, Mom made a move for the newest People that had just come in the mail. Actually, it was never proven if she’d actually begun reaching for the middle of the table, where our sweet sweet People was resting, or if her finger had just involuntarily twitched in that direction.
Didn’t matter to us, though. She doesn’t have Parkinson’s, so what was her excuse for that finger twiddling too close to our magazine? No excuse, that’s what.
Fast as a streak of lightning, Dad snatched that magazine from the table. At the same time, my older sister narrowed her eyes at Mom and shouted, “You’re not in the rotation!” I just shook my head in disbelief at my mom’s antics.
“I wasn’t going to take the stupid magazine!” Mom shouted defensively, glaring at each of us in turn.
“Damn straight you weren’t!” Dad shot back.
Mom sniffed. “I just wanted to look at it.”
“No,” Dad snapped. “You’re a page crinkler.”
There was a collective gasp at the table. I was speechless. Even my older sister didn’t know what to say. I mean, the three of us in The Rotation have always had our quiet suspicions about my mom and my little sis crinkling the pages, but we’ve never actually come out and said it. But Dad had. He’d gone there.
We could see Mom biting back angry tears.
“I’m not a page crinkler,” she said.
Dad fixed his gaze calmly on Mom. “I was married to you for 16 years. You’re a page crinkler.”
My older sister found her voice and wisely stepped in. “Look, Mom, whether you’re a page crinkler or not doesn’t even matter. The Rotation is closed. You’re simply not in it.”
Mom gave my sister an imploring look. “Can’t I be grandfathered in?”
“Psht,” my dad said, letting out a huge harrumph and looking my way. “Listen to her. ‘Grandfathered in.’ As if we’re some kind of organization that has to follow rules.”
This is where Mom had had enough. “This family is a bunch of assholes!” she screamed in a voice so shrill that we all covered our ears.
I know we sound harsh, you guys, but it’s what needs to be done. Not only is Mom a suspected page crinkler, but she also loses shit—or just gives it away to assholes (completely separate from those in our family, mind you). That very day, we had spent 3 hours looking for a tackle box for her—a tackle box that she had sworn was filled to the brim with what amounted to $1,000 of expensive lures.
She even had each of us call my youngest brother and blame him for stealing it like he stole Dad’s washer and dryer. (Seriously, how does one learn to be so stealthy that he can effectively steal a washer and a dryer straight out from under my dad’s very large nose? I think that I, too, should have focused more on smoking pot than reading in high school…because look who’s got the better end of the deal now with his fancy new washer and dryer? Hmm??)
My poor brother had fielded no fewer than 3 phone calls about the em-effing tackle box before Mom realized that she had given it to her ex-boyfriend…the one with whom she’d cheated on Dad, causing the demise of their marriage.
“Oops,” she said, shrugging when she realized her mistake.
There’s only one small drawback in The Magazine Rotation, and this only applies to me, as I get the magazines last and I’m not as careful with them: Sometimes a magazine gets lost in the mix and by the time you get around to reading it, the news is, well, kind of old.
Take, for example, the magazine from April 2012 that I pulled from the middle of my rack just before heading to the gym one day this week—and I swear I am not making this up; this is seriously the magazine that I grabbed from my Rotation stack:
So what do you think, you guys? Is Kate pregnant? I mean, the magazine totally said that she’d been seen “strategically holding a purse in front of her tummy” in December of 2011. But then it was reported that on March 17, she was “sipping sherry at a St. Patrick’s Day event honoring the Irish Guards.” So which is it? Is Kate pregnant or not?!?
Ooooh, you guys, I can hardly STAND it!
If she is, what do you think she’ll name the little royal? Like, George Alexander Louis or something? Just a guess; I’m probably way off.
In other celebrity news, I found out that Beyonce had her first baby, Blue Ivy, a few weeks ago (Congrats!),that Kim Kardashian began dating Kanye West (What if they had a kid together and named it some direction, like, say, North? Then her name would be North West. Wouldn’t that be crazy?!), and that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are divorcing.
Holy cow, who knew?
But I still can’t wait to hear about that adorable Kate and if her baby dreams come true…I’ll keep you guys posted!
As usual, visit trashyblog.com for all the latest in celebrity gossip!