Friday, August 2, 2013

Kate's Pregnant?

There’s a little thing in my family that we like to call The Magazine Rotation. 

Actually, it’s not so much a “thing” as it is a very exclusive club consisting of only 3 select members:

·       My dad, who buys the People magazines and reads them before passing them on to my older sister

·       My older sister—aka The Magazine Whisperer because my dad and I have never seen someone so gentle with a magazine— who receives the secondhand Peoples from Dad, reads them, and then adds them to the Us magazines that she buys and reads before handing the entire stack off to me

·        Me, the brains behind the whole operation because I’m too cheap to buy my own damned magazines 

We three members of The Magazine Rotation have decided that it’s a lifetime club and that we will never accept new members.  This drives my mom and little sister crazy, but we have our reasons:  My 30-year-old sister can’t even read, so what the hell does she need our sweet celebrity gossip pages for, anyway, to wipe her ass? 

And Mom?  Well, Mom’s a page crinkler.

And there’s no em-effing page crinkling in The Magazine Rotation.

We’re psycho about our magazines.  People who have witnessed the handoff ceremonies have been astounded at the special loving care we take when delivering them from one reader to the next:  Our mags are always double-bagged in two of the more durable Old Navy-type plastic shopping bags—none of that Wal-Mart bullshit—and the size of the bags is always carefully considered, too.  If the bags are too big, it leaves room for the magazines to get knocked around and dented—and we can’t have that.  If they’re too small, the magazines will bend backwards into U formation, rendering them useless on a treadmill magazine rack. 

The bags that hold our precious cargo have to be just right, and we are so adamant about this that we call it the Goldilocks Complex.

So you see, we have it down to an art, and anyone else might mess it up. 

Last week, I was at my dad’s house with my older sister when a big fight broke out.  You see, Mom made a move for the newest People that had just come in the mail.  Actually, it was never proven if she’d actually begun reaching for the middle of the table, where our sweet sweet People was resting, or if her finger had just involuntarily twitched in that direction.

Didn’t matter to us, though.  She doesn’t have Parkinson’s, so what was her excuse for that finger twiddling too close to our magazine?  No excuse, that’s what.

Fast as a streak of lightning, Dad snatched that magazine from the table.  At the same time, my older sister narrowed her eyes at Mom and shouted, “You’re not in the rotation!”  I just shook my head in disbelief at my mom’s antics.

“I wasn’t going to take the stupid magazine!” Mom shouted defensively, glaring at each of us in turn.

“Damn straight you weren’t!” Dad shot back.

Mom sniffed.  “I just wanted to look at it.”

“No,” Dad snapped.  “You’re a page crinkler.”

There was a collective gasp at the table.  I was speechless.  Even my older sister didn’t know what to say.  I mean, the three of us in The Rotation have always had our quiet suspicions about my mom and my little sis crinkling the pages, but we’ve never actually come out and said it.  But Dad had.  He’d gone there.

We could see Mom biting back angry tears.

“I’m not a page crinkler,” she said.

Dad fixed his gaze calmly on Mom.  “I was married to you for 16 years.  You’re a page crinkler.”

My older sister found her voice and wisely stepped in.  “Look, Mom, whether you’re a page crinkler or not doesn’t even matter.  The Rotation is closed.  You’re simply not in it.”

Mom gave my sister an imploring look.  “Can’t I be grandfathered in?”

“Psht,” my dad said, letting out a huge harrumph and looking my way.  “Listen to her.  ‘Grandfathered in.’  As if we’re some kind of organization that has to follow rules.”

This is where Mom had had enough.  “This family is a bunch of assholes!” she screamed in a voice so shrill that we all covered our ears.

I know we sound harsh, you guys, but it’s what needs to be done.  Not only is Mom a suspected page crinkler, but she also loses shit—or just gives it away to assholes (completely separate from those in our family, mind you).  That very day, we had spent 3 hours looking for a tackle box for her—a tackle box that she had sworn was filled to the brim with what amounted to $1,000 of expensive lures. 

She even had each of us call my youngest brother and blame him for stealing it like he stole Dad’s washer and dryer. (Seriously, how does one learn to be so stealthy that he can effectively steal a washer and a dryer straight out from under my dad’s very large nose?  I think that I, too, should have focused more on smoking pot than reading in high school…because look who’s got the better end of the deal now with his fancy new washer and dryer?  Hmm??) 

My poor brother had fielded no fewer than 3 phone calls about the em-effing tackle box before Mom realized that she had given it to her ex-boyfriend…the one with whom she’d cheated on Dad, causing the demise of their marriage.

“Oops,” she said, shrugging when she realized her mistake.

See?

There’s only one small drawback in The Magazine Rotation, and this only applies to me, as I get the magazines last and I’m not as careful with them:  Sometimes a magazine gets lost in the mix and by the time you get around to reading it, the news is, well, kind of old. 

Take, for example, the magazine from April 2012 that I pulled from the middle of my rack just before heading to the gym one day this week—and I swear I am not making this up; this is seriously the magazine that I grabbed from my Rotation stack:





So what do you think, you guys?  Is Kate pregnant?  I mean, the magazine totally said that she’d been seen “strategically holding a purse in front of her tummy” in December of 2011.  But then it was reported that on March 17, she was “sipping sherry at a St. Patrick’s Day event honoring the Irish Guards.”  So which is it?  Is Kate pregnant or not?!?

Ooooh, you guys, I can hardly STAND it!

If she is, what do you think she’ll name the little royal?  Like, George Alexander Louis or something?  Just a guess; I’m probably way off.

In other celebrity news, I found out that Beyonce had her first baby, Blue Ivy, a few weeks ago (Congrats!),that Kim Kardashian began dating Kanye West (What if they had a kid together and named it some direction, like, say, North?  Then her name would be North West.  Wouldn’t that be crazy?!), and that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are divorcing. 

Holy cow, who knew?

But I still can’t wait to hear about that adorable Kate and if her baby dreams come true…I’ll keep you guys posted!

As usual, visit trashyblog.com for all the latest in celebrity gossip!

26 comments:

  1. Bahahahahaha! Way to keep up with the celeb gossip!!!

    Oh, and if you do decide to start grandfathering people into the club, please put my name at the top of the list. :)

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    1. Dani, you know I'd package those 3-year-old mother effers up and send them to you any day of the week! :)

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  2. Thanks for all the late breaking updates! I understand why you exclude your mom, but I do feel a little sorry for her. Although if she was in the rotation after you, she'd be better off just reading the old magazines at the doctor's office.

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    1. Dana--
      We're normally very good to her, but not about the magazines! She truly does lose stuff, spill things on stuff, crinkle stuff, and she did used to give a lot of Dad's stuff away to her ex-boyfriend (even a CAR once!). So while we love her dearly, we have learned to be possessive about any stuff that we don't want to lose when it comes to her. I like to sound like a badass, but I'm actually very soft-hearted and did offer to give her the magazines when I was finished with them...but she gave me pretty much the same response as you did: Thanks but no thanks. By that time, the mags would be ancient. Haha

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  3. Oh the poor celebs, they gain five pounds and the paparazzi rushes to assume that they're pregnant. Poor loves. I'm guessing that she actually ate like a normal person that week. I'm sure everything's back to normal now. Also? Do I see a little page crinkle at the top of that one? The shame! I love that your mom and dad actually occasionally hang out in the same room with you guys in spite of being divorced. Doesn't get much cooler than that. And she gave her ex a CAR? You're totally getting the short end of the stick. I mean, the magazine rotation is brilliant but clearly, from a re-sale value standpoint, the car and the washer & dryer are worth way more. I'd start protesting louder if I were you.

    PS - I feel badly that our blog rotations end up with you landing on the crying ones. Sometimes, I write mildly amusing stuff too. I'll try to plan it better next week for ya.

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    1. Kristi, I love all of your stuff, whether funny, emotional, or both. You're talentd and I will always love what I read on your blog!

      My parents have ALWAYS hung out, even when the divorce got kinda nasty. They have taught me a lot about forgiveness and laughing off and seeing things for how small they really are and just living life. I'm so thankful to them for the goofy attitude I have in the face of things. It makes life so much more fun. Every once in awhile, someone will cringe at a joke that I make and my mom and older sister will rush to my defense. My mom will say, "Um, do you KNOW Shay?" and my sister will say, "Hey, it's Mom and Dad's fault. They made us the shit heads we are." Haha.

      Oh--and the crinkle--I was wondering if someone was going to mention that. I totally noticed it. That's why I insist on getting them last. I can assure you that this magazine was pristine and straight when I received it, but since I know I'm last, I can be a little more free when knocking my mags around. I'd rather get them weeks/months out of date than have to keep them all nice. Because the 3 of us are afraid to piss each other off; nobody wants to get kicked out of the rotation. :)

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    2. Ugh, I hate typos. That should say "talented" and then "laughing things off."

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    3. Cool so I win an award for being the first to notice The Crinkle! HAHA to your sister saying that it's your mom and dad's fault for making you the shitheads that you are. I might have to use that.

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    4. You really should, Kristi. It's kind of perfection in never having to accept blame for your own faults. Hehe

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  4. Aw GIRL! I have been teased in my family for my abhorrence of the dreaded page crinkle. I've even told my kids to "be nice to the pages" as they rifle through their Dr. Seuss volumes. Listen, I thought I was the female Larry David here, but I think you're closing in on me! By the way, i LOVE that your dad reads People. That is cool. And since I'm WAY behind on my celeb gossip, maybe you can answer this for me - when's the new Whitney Houston album coming out?

    Too soon?

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  5. You had totally sold me on your magazine rotation and its effectiveness. I mean seriously, thank you for the breaking news on Kate's pregnancy!

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    1. Haha...you're very welcome, Kate! And if you need any tips about starting an effective rotation in your family, feel free to contact me with further questions. :)

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  6. Most of that was NEW news to me, as soon people start talking celebrity gossip my eyes gloss over and I think about soup. You guys have a good think going there, we have this with books and just yesterday, my cousin asked to read a book that my sister was returning to me and she SNUCK it back to me inside a bag of clothes, and asked me about it from the corner of her mouth. She didn't know if I allowed other people to borrow the books. My cousin's good, she returns them :)

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    1. "...my eyes gloss over and I think about soup." Hilarious, Joy!!

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  7. She doesn't have parkinson's or anything - might be my favorite line! I had to give up my People because (had the same probs as you) I just couldn't keep up and by the time I read it people were divorced, babies were born, addicts were off the wagon, shows that were touted to rock were cancelled. Sigh. I am glad to see it hasn't slowed you down.

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    1. It originally said "Bitch doesn't have Parinson's..." and I know that people seeing me say that in person would recognize that I was kidding, but I was afraid there'd be an uproar if I called my mom a bitch and people couldn't physically see me saying it and understand the humor, even though it was in a joking way. I'm glad the funny still came through in the revision! :)

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  8. Just renewed People subscription for 3 more years, any donations or contributions would be appreciated...........HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Dad

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    1. I will gladly begin donating a few cents just to make sure I don't get kicked out of the Rotation, Dad. Because although we've decided there will never be new members, we've never seriously talked about what it takes to get thrown OUT of the Rotation...and I can't have that. Life would hardly be worth living without the Rotation.

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  9. Bwahahahaha!! Goldilocks Complex!! That's just brilliant!

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  10. Oh I love how you make me laugh lady! The title was enough. But the whole magazine rotation? I was in one of those once, but I decided I couldn't listen to the BS associated with being friends with the one who gave me the magazines anymore. And then one day that bag just stopped showing up on my doorstep. Talk about high maintenance!

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  11. Crinkling pages...dog earing books...there's just certain things that don't fly. I love the hot-off-the-presses news ya got going on here. I'd say no to the North West thing. No one could be that stupid in reality. >.<

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  12. haha! What a hilarious post. Someone needs to start this rotation in my family!

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  13. The magazine whisperer! You KILL ME! I don't even read those magazines OR watch the news. By the way, did we ever find out if Angelina Jolie was having an affair with Brad Pitt? I listen to my gut on these things, and my gut says no.

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  14. Ha! I was hoping you'd put in the incident in st. Louis where I made mom empty her suitcase in front of me b/ c I thought she stole one & then after all that, dad came home & he had it. He was hiding ur from her! Ha

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