A variation of this post was originally published on 11/30/12 here on Trashy Blog, but since my writing style has slightly changed (meaning “has become a ton skankier”), I decided to change a few things and add some fresh content for my newly pregnant friend—who was actually HONORED that I wanted to write about her on this blog. Holy shit, has she READ this trash yet?
Without further ado:
One of my closest friends just surprised the hell out of us all by having her older son wear one of those cute “Big Brother” t-shirts to the 4th of July festivities.
My first response was to gasp and say “Seriously, dude, we’re like 40. Aren’t we getting a little too old for this?”
Really, though, we were all so very happy for her, but it got me thinking about how I’m pretty sure her choice of t-shirt was a little more appropriate than the one I had my older son wear when I announced my pregnancy with my second son, which said this:
On the front:
Mom’s Fairly Certain that You’re Not Little Sib’s Dad…
And on the back:
…but We’re Going to Go Ahead and Pretend like You Are, Mmkay?
I decided that to get the hubs used to the idea of a bastard child (you know, just in case), I’d have my older boy wear subliminal message t-shirts for the remainder of the pregnancy.
If you’re a non-traditional (read: skanky) type of mom like I am, here are a few options you might want to keep in mind for the next time you get to make that big announcement:
Dammit We Might Be a Day or Two Off
Half Brothers Rock
Bloodlines Can Be So Unpredictable, Don’t You Think?
DNA Tests Are So 1991
The whole subliminal messages t-shirt thing culminated in the one I had my older son wear the day before my due date:
He’s Not Yours, Beeyatch
I had to guilt the hubs into wanting to stay even if it was proven that our second son wasn’t his, so I made myself one that said this:
You Loved that I Was a Skank When You Met Me; It’s You Who’s Changed, not Me
When the baby was born, I felt like it would cruel to leave him out of the fun. So I had a little onesie made up that said this:
Luckily, I Ended Up Looking Exactly Like My Dad…But Then Again, so Did the Guy from Mom’s Vodka and Red Bull-Fueled Night (as Far as She Can Recall)…Hell, Maybe that WAS Dad
You’d be surprised the amount of words those screen printers can fit onto those teensy onesies.
But seriously, folks. We’re 100% sure that my second son is my husband’s (or at least that’s what I tell the hubs…shhhhh). In any case, for the sake of blaming the hubs for the predicament that someone had gotten me into, I had a few more shirts made up for myself to wear all throughout my pregnancy:
This one worked really well worn in my 9th month, stretched so tightly over my bulbous gut that it rode up several inches to become a belly shirt. Sometimes I’d dangle a candy ciggie from my mouth and wear it around town, just for stares and funsies.
I Know You Heard Me Say “Pull Out,” AssholeWas that one too much? Too much?
You Just Earned Yourself Diaper Duty for 2 to 3 More Years. Congratulations, Dick.
All of This…for Three Minutes? Really?! You’re an Asshole.Or, for you minimalists, we could keep it simple with “You’re an Asshole.” I know that summed up how I felt every single day of that beer-less 9 months.
Next Time Leave Me Alone During the Damned Commercial Break
Holy Shit Not Again
Anyhoo, for my next business venture, I’m going into t-shirt making. I’m thinking I’ve got quite a knack for it, no?
You guys…I’m pretty sure this can be an ongoing thing. I giggled so hard thinking these up this week. Join in the fun by leaving your suggestions in the comment section below for the next time one of my friends gets knocked up and I make a blog post out of it. And it completely goes without saying that we all love our kids more than life itself and are so blessed to have them and loved being able to bring them into the world and blah, blah, blah…but save those sweet and serious suggestions for your local t-shirt distributor. Leave me some skank! I promise I’ll link back to your blog if I use your suggestion!