Friday, July 19, 2013

You Are NOT the Father 2.0


A variation of this post was originally published on 11/30/12 here on Trashy Blog, but since my writing style has slightly changed (meaning “has become a ton skankier”), I decided to change a few things and add some fresh content for my newly pregnant friend—who was actually HONORED that I wanted to write about her on this blog.  Holy shit, has she READ this trash yet? 

 

Without further ado:

 

One of my closest friends just surprised the hell out of us all by having her older son wear one of those cute “Big Brother” t-shirts to the 4th of July festivities. 

 

My first response was to gasp and say “Seriously, dude, we’re like 40.  Aren’t we getting a little too old for this?”

 

Really, though, we were all so very happy for her, but it got me thinking about how I’m pretty sure her choice of t-shirt was a little more appropriate than the one I had my older son wear when I announced my pregnancy with my second son, which said this: 

 

On the front:

 

Mom’s Fairly Certain that You’re Not Little Sib’s Dad…

 

And on the back:

 

…but We’re Going to Go Ahead and Pretend like You Are, Mmkay?

 

I decided that to get the hubs used to the idea of a bastard child (you know, just in case), I’d have my older boy wear subliminal message t-shirts for the remainder of the pregnancy. 

 

If you’re a non-traditional (read:  skanky) type of mom like I am, here are a few options you might want to keep in mind for the next time you get to make that big announcement:

 

Dammit We Might Be a Day or Two Off

 

Half Brothers Rock

 

Bloodlines Can Be So Unpredictable, Don’t You Think?

 

DNA Tests Are So 1991

 

The whole subliminal messages t-shirt thing culminated in the one I had my older son wear the day before my due date:

 

He’s Not Yours, Beeyatch

 

I had to guilt the hubs into wanting to stay even if it was proven that our second son wasn’t his, so I made myself one that said this:

 

You Loved that I Was a Skank When You Met Me; It’s You Who’s Changed, not Me

 

When the baby was born, I felt like it would cruel to leave him out of the fun.  So I had a little onesie made up that said this:

 

Luckily, I Ended Up Looking Exactly Like My Dad…But Then Again, so Did the Guy from Mom’s Vodka and Red Bull-Fueled Night (as Far as She Can Recall)…Hell, Maybe that WAS Dad

 

You’d be surprised the amount of words those screen printers can fit onto those teensy onesies. 

 

But seriously, folks.  We’re 100% sure that my second son is my husband’s (or at least that’s what I tell the hubs…shhhhh).  In any case, for the sake of blaming the hubs for the predicament that someone had gotten me into, I had a few more shirts made up for myself to wear all throughout my pregnancy:

 

Pregnancy Blows 
This one worked really well worn in my 9th month, stretched so tightly over my bulbous gut that it rode up several inches to become a belly shirt.  Sometimes I’d dangle a candy ciggie from my mouth and wear it around town, just for stares and funsies.

 

I Know You Heard Me Say “Pull Out,” Asshole
Was that one too much?  Too much?

 

You Just Earned Yourself Diaper Duty for 2 to 3 More Years.  Congratulations, Dick.

 

All of This…for Three Minutes?  Really?!  You’re an Asshole.
Or, for you minimalists, we could keep it simple with “You’re an Asshole.”  I know that summed up how I felt every single day of that beer-less 9 months.

 

Next Time Leave Me Alone During the Damned Commercial Break

 

Holy Shit Not Again

 

Anyhoo, for my next business venture, I’m going into t-shirt making.  I’m thinking I’ve got quite a knack for it, no?

 

You guys…I’m pretty sure this can be an ongoing thing.  I giggled so hard thinking these up this week.  Join in the fun by leaving your suggestions in the comment section below for the next time one of my friends gets knocked up and I make a blog post out of it.  And it completely goes without saying that we all love our kids more than life itself and are so blessed to have them and loved being able to bring them into the world and blah, blah, blah…but save those sweet and serious suggestions for your local t-shirt distributor.  Leave me some skank!  I promise I’ll link back to your blog if I use your suggestion!

 

30 comments:

  1. This is effing hilarious! Now I'm racking my brain trying to think of a funny t-shirt. "Made In China"? "The vodka made me do it"? "This one's yours--Jerry Springer proved it"? OK I'm having a brain fart over here. Don't know if this is what you're looking for but have fun collecting t-shirt ideas--you should DEFINITELY go into the business!

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    1. Marcia, those are GREAT!! I especially love the Jerry Springer one! And we could even use Maury Povich or Sally Jesse Raphael, even though she's been off the air for a million years. Put a little retro spin on it, right? You are too good. I would LOVE to hear what your kids would suggest! haha

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    2. My kids would undoubtedly say something about poop....

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  2. You should write t-shirt slogans for a living. The shops on Bourbon Street in New Orleans have the best shirts - I almost pee in my pants reading them (the bladder full of alcohol doesn't help). Yours would fit right in!

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    1. Thanks, Dana! I've already sent the hubs out to get some iron-on letters and get to work! haha

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  3. You're so freaking awesome. My favorite one is "you heard me say pull out, asshole." AHAHHA
    I wore one while I was pregnant that wasn't that skanky but funny - said "What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? PREGNANT"
    My kid has a shirt that says "I still live with my parents" which I think is funny as hell now but probably won't be when he's 30. Ok thinking of other funny pregnant shirts for you....hmmm....
    Is it mine?
    Who's your daddy?
    You see slut, I see gracious baby daddy employer
    I'd rather be drinking
    Backrub, my ass!
    I'll come back and give some more as I think of them (you know...pressure) :D

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  4. Thought of another one:
    Piece of shit condom!

    heh heh

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    1. PIECE OF SHIT CONDOM!!! That's my fave, Kristi!! Laughing out loud! How about, "I want my money back, TROJAN, you assholes..." I like to throw "you asshole(s)," in each one...:)

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  5. I'm with Kristi: I laughed hard at the "pull out" one. And that was not the only one. How about "I went to Vegas and all I got was this lousy pregnancy".

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    1. HAHAH to Rachel's "I went to Vegas and all I got was this lousy pregnancy" one!

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    2. I agree. Hilarious, Rachel!!

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  6. I. AM. DYING. These are HYSTERICAL!!!! How are you this funny?! I was going to list all of the ones I loved, but, well, I loved ALL of them, and I figured that would mean I'd just be reposting your post as a comment, which would be weird, right? ;)

    I love your blog!

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  7. I would love the one that says "I know you heard me say Pullout Asshole" - this would work well after the baby was born too. Please let me know when these hit the market.

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  8. Ohhh you can also have them printed on koozies and trucker hats!

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  9. What we always say about our 2nd child:
    "What happens in Vegas doesn't always STAY in Vegas"

    Great post! I am a skanky mom, too. *fist bump*

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    1. Oh, yes, I love that--and that you're skanky mom, too! Fist bump right back atcha!

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  10. How about "Condoms work 99% of the time. The other 1% is me."
    The pulling out one is the bomb!

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  11. I love "You loved that I was a skank when you met me!" You sure get a lot of mileage out of your skankiness, and so does everyone else! ba dum dum!

    He he....

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    1. I figure it has to be good for SOMEthing, right? Although I fear I may be type casting myself...do you think I'll ever be known for anything else? Probably not. Ah, well...:)

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  12. I shaved my legs for this?

    He was just poking fun, apparently my uterus took him seriously

    I love this!!! I laughed and laughed
    Kimbra @ Mommys Rambles

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    1. Kimbra--the poking fun one is AWESOME! Haha

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  13. Loved these! You HAVE to get at least a few made on Zazzle (or whatever that site is called)! I'll totally pimp them out!
    The "pull out" one had to be my favorite! How about "Turns out the Rhythm Method has nothing to do with dancing, Asshole."

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    1. I will look into that. Your site would be the perfect place to pimp these out...right next to Beaver Babies. We could say, "You don't want this to happen to you, do you??" Haha

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  14. OMG these are great! I laughed at all of them but I about lost my shit on the pull out one. You really should trademark or whatever it is ppl do and make some tees. I had one that said, I'm fat cuz I'm pregnant, what's your excuse. Kinda mean, but it made me feel better. I ran and walked my WHOLE Pregnancy delivered at 38wks and still managed to gain almost 40. Imagine if I sat on my ass the whole nine months? it makes me cry just thinking about it.

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    1. I did the exact same thing--worked out my entire pregnancy, didn't eat any more than I normally did, and STILL gained 45 pounds. Pregnancy blows!

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