Friday, July 5, 2013

What Cosmo Doesn't Tell Us


A friend approached me as I was leaving the gym the other day.  “I saw you running on the treadmill, but I didn’t want to interrupt you to say hi since you seemed very into your Cosmo,” she said.

 

I recoiled in horror.  “Bitch, please!  I don’t read Cosmo!  It was  a People.  I find celebrity gossip much more useful than the stupid sex tips in Cosmo, as I try to avoid sex as much as possible.”

 

“But wait,” she said, “I’ve heard you say that you used to be a skank.”  (Do I say it that often, by the way? Like I’m proud of it or something?  Like I still believe that the guys from my skanky past wanted to be with me because of how insanely hot I must have been looking those certain nights and not because…well, simply because I was an available skank at last call?  Because I totally know better.  Totally…)

 

“Sure,” I replied, shrugging, “but that was before, when I was single and it was with random people.  The world was my oyster.  Now I live in the land of the mundane.  There are about a million other things I’d rather be doing—like eating Cheetos, cleaning the bathroom, or changing a shitty diaper—than having sex with my husband.”

 

My friend started laughing like I was kidding.  Cute little thing has been married for about two years and still loves doing it with her hubs.  So sweet. 

 

“You know what I’d like?” I continued, rudely breaking off her laughter.  “I’d like a magazine that gives tips on how to avoid having sex with your husband.  Where the hell is that magazine?”

 

I decided that since the writers of Cosmo magazine don’t seem to understand what women truly want, I’d share the tricks I keep up my sleeve as a little guide for the real women of the world.

 

Here, I present to you tips that you might actually find useful in a little listy I like to call:

 

                                                     Trashy Blog's Six Tips for Getting out of Sex with Your Husband

 

1.  Say this when he asks you to have sex:  “I already had it with my boyfriend like 10 times today.  I’m kind of tired…”
 

2.  When he persists, say this:  “I have chlamydia?”  Keep it in question form so he knows damned well that you don’t, but that you’d be willing to go catch it to get out of sex with him.  (Some of these tips will make you look like a real asshole, by the way…but remember, it’s all for a good cause.)
 

3.        

 

Seriously, there shouldn’t need to BE a number 3 after the first 2.  Even if they don’t believe us, they should be so disgusted by our antics for getting out of sex with them that they give us a pass.  Ugh.  What the hell is wrong with husbands these days, all wanting to have sex with their wives and shit?

 

4.  Fart.  I did this one time just as we were getting ready to get down and dirty in the very beginning of our marriage.  My husband laughed and said, ”If you’re trying to turn me off, it’s not working.” 

 

DAMMIT it’s hard being this sexy.

 

I hadn’t actually been trying to turn him off, but I filed that response away for future knowledge.  I knew that if it was in the back of his mind, then someday—granted, maybe a couple years down the road; I just had to be patient—it would be enough to turn him off.  And I was planning to try.

 

5.  “How ‘bout them Duggars?” 

 

6.  Breathe on him.  Holy shit, this story is so embarrassing that I’m going to turn red while I’m typing it, just as I turned red in the coffee shop when I told my friends about it…but isn’t that what blogging is all about?  Embarrassing yourself for a greater cause--or at least a little bit of negative attention?

 

The hubs and I were sitting down for date night one Thursday night.  We had put the kids to bed about an hour prior to when I finally joined the hubs on the couch after doing my nightly routine of cleaning up and getting things ready for the next day. 

 

I sat down next to the hubs with my freshly-poured glass of wine, and suddenly he wrinkled his nose.  “Do you smell that?” he asked, turning toward me, where I was all snuggled up next to him.

 

I shook my head.  “No. What does it smell like?”

 

He scrunched up his face into a disgusted grimace.  “I don’t know.  Like…puke…and wine.”

 

I looked down at my wine glass and then back at him.  I think we may have both realized it at the same time.  “It’s probably my breath,” I said.

 

The hubs tried to be nice.  “No.  NAH, it COULDN’T BE!  I mean, you haven’t puked tonight, right?”  But I could see that he had already accepted it just like I had:  He was smelling my breath mixed with the wine. 

 

I have no clue why it smelled like puke; stranger things have happened.  The point was, it did.

 

When I told my friends about it the next day at coffee, I said, face blazing with embarrassment, “I guess I need to pick up some breath strips while I’m at Wal-Mart today.”

 

My asshole friend Nancy goes, “Why?  So your breath can smell like puke…and breath strips?”

 

I give up.  I fcking give up.

 

 

Alright, peeps, so give them a try and report back.  I’d love to hear how my tips worked for you.  And if you’re one of those married women who, after 29 years, still loooooves having sex with her husband...

 

…quit lying.  Let me know how the tips work for you, too.

36 comments:

  1. Hell, my husband would (and probably did) have sex with me WHILE I was puking because I'd be too busy to refuse. But thanks for these tips! My period just ended so I'll use one of them tomorrow.
    Was this all a little TMI?

    And yes, you are so right about Cosmo!

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    1. HAHA!! I love the avoiding-sex jokes. I think they're hilarious b/c so many people can relate. I saw a comedian once who talked about all the different ways his wife has used over the years to get out of having sex with him--and all of his ways around them in getting her to do it with him. He had the audience ROLLING b/c both the men AND the women could relate.

      No, definitely not TMI...I think you and I crossed that line a looooong time ago with our blogs!

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    2. Even that week of the month has the green light.

      Shay- you should have said you'd puked. Ha!

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  2. I so want to offer a supportive comment. Except I kind of like sex. Maybe I've just never been in a relationship long enough to get sick of it?

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    1. Oh, no, no, no, Vanessa...I don't think I specified clearly enough. I didn't say I didn't like sex. I said I didn't like sex WITH MY HUSBAND. :)

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  3. Buy the vomit flavored Harry Potter jelly beans. You'll never have to say "Not tonight dear, I have a headache" ever again.

    ~Angela

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  4. Bahahahahaha! I loved the puke and wine story! Sadly, I bet my breath smells like that 100% of the time. ;)

    Hmmmm. I don't really have any tips for you. Can you believe I still enjoy rolling between the sheets? When does this enjoyment end?! ;)

    xo

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    1. Somehow that does not surprise me about you, Dani! And it has nothing to do with Ankle Fetish Dave or Sleeping with the Boss. Haha! You talk about finding time alone with your hubs all the time on your blog--and enjoying it--so I figured some magic was happening over there. :)

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  5. HaHA! I love #5! And you are too perfect for distinguishing between Cosmo and People--now that's a gal with CLASS! I'm with you!

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  6. I love #2 and I wish I had thought to use that when I was still married. I used to tell my hubs I had my period, even when I didn't. I'm sure he wondered why my time of the month supposedly lasted for weeks on end, but he was too afraid to ask

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    1. Well, now you'll know for next time! Haha. Love the period one. My hubs would be like, "That's cool. I'll grab a towel." Was that too much, even for this blog? Too much? :)

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  7. Excuses that I've used that worked (and most of them aren't even true but he doesn't need to know that):
    1. I just took a huge shit and my ass hurts.
    2. The kid has had the hershey squirts all day and all I can smell is poop; totally NOT in the mood.
    3. I'll be in right after the late night news is over. (He always makes me promise I'll wake him up, which I never do and in the morning, I pretend to be pissed and tell him that he turned me down when I didn't even bother trying to wake him up). *this one is true.
    4. I feel bloated like a dead whale washed up on the beach. If you poke me, my guts might explode.
    5. I have a sink full of dishes to do. Wanna help me and then we'll have sex? (He hates doing housework).

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    1. Oh, Terrye, these are BEAUTIFUL!! I love #3--I have said the same thing before, except I have meant it...but it hardly ever happens b/c I fall asleep, too! Oh, and I'm watching DVR'd Real Housewives and not the news. :)

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  8. Ha! You crack me up, as always. My fave is #2 and the commentary that follows because, you're right, after #2 there shouldn't need to be any more excuses!
    Nikki

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    1. Aw, thank you so much, Nikki!! And I thought so, too. But apparently he needed to hear more...haha

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  9. I think this post is one of the funniest posts that I've ever read, and your tips are ingenius too! I plan on using them. Oh, wait, I think I have. I JUST wrote a post about the anti-climax of sex after having kids. It is NOT nearly as funny as this and I'm jealous. Brava, lady, brava.

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    1. Oh my gosh, Rachel, thanks for that sweet compliment! I will be riding high on your comment for weeks! (Okay, a lot longer than that. Seriously, you've just made my night!) I'll have to head over and check out your post. How did I miss that??

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  10. HA! I love you Shay, you crack me up! I am SO there with you on this! Bring on the shit diapers, cuz I'm tiiiiirreeeddd and mama don't want no hanky panky tonight. "How about them Duggars?" Bwahahaha! Instant birth control. And btw...my grandma had a subscription to Cosmo forever. Cree-py. When I was about nine, I'd sit there and read the cosmos that sat out on her coffee table. So I always think "Grandma" when I think "Cosmo". So wrong.

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    1. Linda--back at you. You crack me up! Cosmo=Grandma...hilarious!

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  11. While I love your entire list, I don't need to use any of them. I have a teenager who goes to bed late and likes to come in and say goodnight. So, "we can't have sex because she could walk in at any minute, or worse...find the door locked and start knocking and asking questions" is an excuse that works every time.

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  12. I admit it - I can't for the life of me figure out why your breath smelled like puke. Seriously, girl, what are you eating?? And if everybody in your house is eating the same thing, how come you're the only one whose breath smells like that? I'm deeply concerned for you here. Not concerned enough to Google some info on how to help, but concerned enough to make a furrowed brow face that you can't see. You're welcome.

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    1. I blame it on his nostrils. Malfunctioning sob's. :)

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  13. Usually saying that I have to poop before we do is enough that he turns off the light sometime during the 40 minutes I'm fucking around on Facebook making fart noises with my mouth (in case he thought I was lying) in the bathroom. He obviously doesn't want it THAT bad, or he'd wait. Right?

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    1. Haha...I love the "making fart noises with my mouth" in case he thought you were lying! I adore you, Kristi! :)

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    2. I adore you back. And making fart noises is way important.

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  14. Found you!!!! I'd give you a hug and a kiss but, well, I'm not congested anymore and would be able to smell your breath.

    Age 46 is an awesome thing because with the onset of menopause, I'm so irregular with my monthly visits that I can tell him I have my period 24/7 and get away with it!

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    1. Teri! I'm so excited you're here! I read your blog often! And thanks for your tip...I can't wait for menopause!

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  15. Rarely do I spit out my coffee while reading blogs, but you my friend made me laugh! My favorite one - "How 'bout them Duggars?" Hahaha! I found you through Honest Voices Linkup and am loving your blog! From Leigh (humor writer) over at www.leighbones.com

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    1. Thanks so much, Leigh!! I'll head your way right now!

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  16. As if I didn't LOVE YOU ENOUGH ALREADY! Oh Shay, no one understands like you do! Or I thought no one did! Dude, my husband is always like "you love Isaiah more than you love me." and I say "You're right."
    I don't need any lines because the freakshow ADD dude has two speeds ADD and sleeping. So while I'm cleaning the whole house every night, he CRASHES. Then he says "Why didn't you wake me up." I say "I tried!" BWAHAHAHAH!!!! Sucka!

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    1. Right back at ya, Jen--all of it! :)

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  17. Usually I still love getting down with the hubs, but when I'm beat and need a good nights sleep, I mention my stomach hurts because I'm constipated. That pretty much does the trick...

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  18. All these are so good. Sometimes I use a headache as an excuse, it's such a classic.

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