On my old blog, I wrote about my dad all the time, and
because he is so stupid, the posts about him were always reader favorites.
I realized the other day as I was talking to him on the
phone and laughing hysterically (with
him, not at him, I promise) (okay, totally at him) that I don’t write
about him enough on this blog. So I’m
going to go ahead and do that today, in honor of Father’s Day weekend. You’re welc, Dad.
When I was about 12 years old, Dad had had it with the
damp, smelly towels left all over the bathroom floor by my older sister and me
after we showered. To make a point one
afternoon, he grabbed a towel from the hall closet, brought us into the
bathroom, and said, “Okay, girls, show me how you hang up a damned towel.”
I went first.
I grabbed the towel by its two top corners and hopped as
I tossed it upward, trying to get it to catch on the shower rod. The three of us watched as it slowly slid
back down, landing in a wrinkled heap on the floor.
My older sister sighed loudly and rolled her eyes. My dad blinked. He hadn’t been expecting that.
He cleared his throat.
“Alright, Shay, try it again,” he said slowly, and I remember he seemed a
bit unsure of himself.
I did. With the
exact same results.
But Dad wasn’t ready to give up. He had a lesson to teach, dammit, and if the
three of us were in that em-effing bathroom watching me fling a towel to the
floor all day, well, then, that’s just the way it was going to be.
Let’s be clear, here, folks: I was Dad’s genius. Although I didn’t have a lot of common sense,
I was book smart. I worked hard and
could memorize anything. He had high
hopes for me, because the rest of his children sure as hell didn’t look like
they were going anywhere. For example,
it took years for him to teach one of my younger brothers that instead of
smacking himself in the face while shouting, “CUH!”, he could get a hamburger
by just asking for one.
But those hopes my dad had for me…they were shot down a
little more each time that asshole towel slithered down and fell into a pathetic
heap on the floor again…and again…and again.
After about the fourth time the towel fell, I risked a
glance at my dad. He looked away. I don’t think he wanted me to see the sadness
in his eyes as realization dawned on him:
I wasn’t being a smartass. I truly
did not know how to hang a motherfcking towel on a shower rod.
Finally, he looked back at me, but he didn’t seem to see
me. “Holy shit,” he murmured, his mouth
hanging open, most likely in awe of my stupidity. I think it would have simply broken him if
I’d started slapping myself in the face and screaming “Towel!”, so I didn’t do
that.
But I was a
daddy’s girl. I wanted to make him happy. I kept at it.
When it fell down again, Dad looked to my sister, who was unsure whether
she should laugh at me, which would be her normal inclination, or if she should
mirror my dad’s actions and look sad.
She chose the latter. Dad,
sensing an understanding spirit, looked to her and said, “Sweet Jesus, the girl
doesn’t know how to hang up a towel.”
Meanwhile, I was still at it. I was hopping on both feet, sweaty,
red-faced, little wisps of hair hanging in my eyes (which totally made it hard
to see the shower rod, by the way, so that was probably why I couldn’t get the towel there). Every time that mother-effing towel would
fall to the floor, I would squat down again, grab that sucker, take a couple of
seconds to study the shower rod from another angle, and jump, letting go of the
towel and fervently hoping, praying
that it would just stay up there.
Finally, Dad couldn’t take it any longer. “Stop.
Please. Stop.” A tear slid down the side of his face as he
sighed. “You don’t have to hang your
towels, Shay.”
I looked at my older sister and stuck out my tongue,
feeling a victory. HA. THAT beotch still had to hang her towels. But my sis just shot me a very practiced
sympathetic look, grabbed the towel by one end, and held onto that end as she
made the other sail over the shower rod.
Only then did she let her end go, and her towel hung perfectly from that
shower rod.
“Oooooooooh!” I exclaimed. “That’s
how you do it!”
Dad uses the word dumbass
much more frequently now that we’re adults, but when we were kids, he saved it
for very special occasions because, come on, even dads who practice tough love
don’t want to break their kids’ spirits.
I would say that dumbass would
have totally been warranted in this situation.
But did he use it? Nope. He simply gave my head a kind pat and walked
out of the bathroom, shaking his head.
I think we could all learn a lesson from the way he
handled himself that day. It’s not easy
finding out that the daughter you’d deemed NASA-worthy didn’t understand how to hang up a towel. And years later, when he watched his
daughter become a totally unsuccessful, unpaid blog authorette who has to use a
fake name because she talks about what a nasty skank she used to be?
Well, I think he’s handled that like a champ, too.
I love you, Dad. Happy Father’s Day.
J
Awww! This was sweet, in a he's-so-patient-for-putting-up-with-your-dumbasses kind of way! Happy Father's Day, UD!
ReplyDeleteHey, we're patient for putting up with him, too!! :)
DeleteThanks Dumbass, Love you too !!!! Dad
ReplyDeleteTotally welc. Anytime. Sorry I couldn't include a pic of your goofy-ass face. :)
DeleteAw! I love this SO HARD dude. So hard. Your dad is awesome. But wait - your family reads this blog? I thought the whole part of being anonymous was so they wouldn't know what a skankster slutbag you used to be. I'm laughing my ass off at the towel story, dumbass. Did you ever figure it out or is the towel thing the whole reason you got married?
ReplyDeleteI keep it anon mainly for professional reasons--because obviously I sound like SUCH a professional, right?? Haha. A few members of my family are the only ones who know I write it. I refuse to tell the ones who get all drunk and sing like damned canaries. For example, if it were my sister writing it and she didn't want anyone to know, I would insist that she NOT tell me. Because I have been known to be one of those drunken canaries. :) I have got to do some hopping. I haven't had time to catch up on my fave blogs this week. I will have to head your way tonight!
DeleteAww man, I was really rooting for you to stick the landing! If I'm being honest, I hang my towel like you do. Sometimes I toss it so hard that it clears the rod and lands in the wet shower.
ReplyDeleteTell your sister I said "thanks for the tip" and tell your dad I said "Happy Father's Day"!
Kim, I still totally hang my towels like that, too! My sister used to say, "You are so book smart, but you have absolutely no street smarts." I love how she called it "street smarts," as if she did, too. We lived in a suburb of a small city--not freaking Harlem. Haha. I knew she meant common sense, but it was still funny that she would say street smarts when talking about hanging an effing towel. :)
DeleteI love this story and your dad is obviously an awesome guy because I would have lost patience and called you a dumb ass after the 4th time lol (not really but I soooo would have wanted to)
ReplyDeletewww.mommysrambles.blogspot.com
Total dumbass-worthy, so you'd have been excused for calling me that! :)
DeleteCould totally see you jumping up and down - hysterical. I remember one time trying to throw the towel over the rod from inside the shower. It sailed right over and landed in the toilet. I got mad skillz. See - it coulda been worse. Your dad sounds awesome by the way.
ReplyDeleteI'll have to make sure he sees this. At least it didn't land in the shitter, right?? Haha
DeleteWhat a heartwarming tribute to your Dad . . . um . . . guess you don't do much of anything like everyone else does. But I guess that's why your Dad loves you!
ReplyDeleteHe has to love me since I'm his kid, but otherwise, I'm not really sure why...?? Haha, but seriously, I get my sense of humor from him, so if he doesn't love it, it's his own fault! :)
DeleteIt seems to me that you were kind of set up on that one. I mean, it's not like the rod was at eye level, and I'm sure you were just really short for your age. Right? Um, right? Come on, I'm trying to help you out, here! :)
ReplyDeleteEXACTLY, Melissa! ExACTly!! Thanks for that! :)
DeleteAw, I love this, Dumbass. :) Hee hee hee. Thanks for the Monday morning laugh. I've been MIA for 2 weeks (vacation), and this was the perfect way to start off my jump back into blogging!!!! xo
ReplyDeleteI've missed you, too!! :)
DeleteO my god this was too funny! Thank you for commenting on my blog so I could discord yours, made my day lol.
ReplyDeleteYou're so welcome! I'm glad you came by. Blog-hopping is a blast, isn't it? I love finding new blogs.
DeleteMy parents used to tell me that for someone who is so smart, I had no common sense. I am totally going back to them now and telling them that at least I could hang up a towel. I was laughing out loud at the visual of the head smacking thing!
ReplyDeleteI think many people like to use this blog as an affirmation, like, "No matter how crappy my life is...at least it's not like THIS bitch's..." HAHA!! Or like, "Hey, I'm smart! At least smarter than that horse girl who writes that trashy blog is!" Thanks for the hilarious comment--you've got me laughing over here, too!
DeleteHe may still call you a dumbass but really you're a smartass, and a funny one, too. If it will make you feel any better, I asked my so-called genius 17 yr. old to put my 1000+ pictures in my photo album for me recently. I just looked at it today and guess what? The pictures are upside down and out of sequence. He's such a dumbass.....
ReplyDeleteNothing like a dad's support ;)
ReplyDeleteI think they made Father's Day to recognize them for the number of times they keep "dumbass" in their heads instead of using it. But, in your defense, I would SO much rather have a daughter who's book smart than one who can hang up a towel. And, really, who's the smart one? You ended up NOT having to hang up your towels!! AND getting a pat on the head!!
ReplyDeleteI can't believe I haven't been keeping up! You kill me every time!
ReplyDeleteyour dad sounds like a great guy :) when are you gonna link up to a TT? or get a Twitter so I don't miss a post?