Friday, June 14, 2013

Towel: A Totally (Not) Inspirational Father's Day Story about Idiot Kids


On my old blog, I wrote about my dad all the time, and because he is so stupid, the posts about him were always reader favorites. 

 

I realized the other day as I was talking to him on the phone and laughing hysterically (with him, not at him, I promise)  (okay, totally at him) that I don’t write about him enough on this blog.  So I’m going to go ahead and do that today, in honor of Father’s Day weekend.  You’re welc, Dad.

 

When I was about 12 years old, Dad had had it with the damp, smelly towels left all over the bathroom floor by my older sister and me after we showered.  To make a point one afternoon, he grabbed a towel from the hall closet, brought us into the bathroom, and said, “Okay, girls, show me how you hang up a damned towel.”

 

I went first.

 

I grabbed the towel by its two top corners and hopped as I tossed it upward, trying to get it to catch on the shower rod.  The three of us watched as it slowly slid back down, landing in a wrinkled heap on the floor.

 

My older sister sighed loudly and rolled her eyes.  My dad blinked.  He hadn’t been expecting that. 

 

He cleared his throat.  “Alright, Shay, try it again,” he said slowly, and I remember he seemed a bit unsure of himself.

 

I did.  With the exact same results.

 

But Dad wasn’t ready to give up.  He had a lesson to teach, dammit, and if the three of us were in that em-effing bathroom watching me fling a towel to the floor all day, well, then, that’s just the way it was going to be.

 

Let’s be clear, here, folks:  I was Dad’s genius.  Although I didn’t have a lot of common sense, I was book smart.  I worked hard and could memorize anything.  He had high hopes for me, because the rest of his children sure as hell didn’t look like they were going anywhere.  For example, it took years for him to teach one of my younger brothers that instead of smacking himself in the face while shouting, “CUH!”, he could get a hamburger by just asking for one.

 

But those hopes my dad had for me…they were shot down a little more each time that asshole towel slithered down and fell into a pathetic heap on the floor again…and again…and again.

 

After about the fourth time the towel fell, I risked a glance at my dad.  He looked away.  I don’t think he wanted me to see the sadness in his eyes as realization dawned on him:  I wasn’t being a smartass.  I truly did not know how to hang a motherfcking towel on a shower rod.

 

Finally, he looked back at me, but he didn’t seem to see me.  “Holy shit,” he murmured, his mouth hanging open, most likely in awe of my stupidity.  I think it would have simply broken him if I’d started slapping myself in the face and screaming “Towel!”, so I didn’t do that.

 

But I was a daddy’s girl.  I wanted to make him happy.  I kept at it.  When it fell down again, Dad looked to my sister, who was unsure whether she should laugh at me, which would be her normal inclination, or if she should mirror my dad’s actions and look sad.  She chose the latter.  Dad, sensing an understanding spirit, looked to her and said, “Sweet Jesus, the girl doesn’t know how to hang up a towel.”

 

Meanwhile, I was still at it.  I was hopping on both feet, sweaty, red-faced, little wisps of hair hanging in my eyes (which totally made it hard to see the shower rod, by the way, so that was probably why I couldn’t get the towel there).  Every time that mother-effing towel would fall to the floor, I would squat down again, grab that sucker, take a couple of seconds to study the shower rod from another angle, and jump, letting go of the towel and fervently hoping, praying that it would just stay up there.

 

Finally, Dad couldn’t take it any longer.  “Stop.  Please.  Stop.”  A tear slid down the side of his face as he sighed.  “You don’t have to hang your towels, Shay.”

 

I looked at my older sister and stuck out my tongue, feeling a victory.  HA.  THAT beotch still had to hang her towels.  But my sis just shot me a very practiced sympathetic look, grabbed the towel by one end, and held onto that end as she made the other sail over the shower rod.  Only then did she let her end go, and her towel hung perfectly from that shower rod.

 

“Oooooooooh!” I exclaimed.  That’s how you do it!”

 

Dad uses the word dumbass much more frequently now that we’re adults, but when we were kids, he saved it for very special occasions because, come on, even dads who practice tough love don’t want to break their kids’ spirits.  I would say that dumbass would have totally been warranted in this situation.  But did he use it?  Nope.  He simply gave my head a kind pat and walked out of the bathroom, shaking his head.

 

I think we could all learn a lesson from the way he handled himself that day.  It’s not easy finding out that the daughter you’d deemed NASA-worthy didn’t understand how to hang up a towel.  And years later, when he watched his daughter become a totally unsuccessful, unpaid blog authorette who has to use a fake name because she talks about what a nasty skank she used to be? 

 

Well, I think he’s handled that like a champ, too.

 

I love you, Dad.  Happy Father’s Day.  J

26 comments:

  1. Awww! This was sweet, in a he's-so-patient-for-putting-up-with-your-dumbasses kind of way! Happy Father's Day, UD!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, we're patient for putting up with him, too!! :)

      Delete
  2. Thanks Dumbass, Love you too !!!! Dad

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Totally welc. Anytime. Sorry I couldn't include a pic of your goofy-ass face. :)

      Delete
  3. Aw! I love this SO HARD dude. So hard. Your dad is awesome. But wait - your family reads this blog? I thought the whole part of being anonymous was so they wouldn't know what a skankster slutbag you used to be. I'm laughing my ass off at the towel story, dumbass. Did you ever figure it out or is the towel thing the whole reason you got married?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I keep it anon mainly for professional reasons--because obviously I sound like SUCH a professional, right?? Haha. A few members of my family are the only ones who know I write it. I refuse to tell the ones who get all drunk and sing like damned canaries. For example, if it were my sister writing it and she didn't want anyone to know, I would insist that she NOT tell me. Because I have been known to be one of those drunken canaries. :) I have got to do some hopping. I haven't had time to catch up on my fave blogs this week. I will have to head your way tonight!

      Delete
  4. Aww man, I was really rooting for you to stick the landing! If I'm being honest, I hang my towel like you do. Sometimes I toss it so hard that it clears the rod and lands in the wet shower.
    Tell your sister I said "thanks for the tip" and tell your dad I said "Happy Father's Day"!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kim, I still totally hang my towels like that, too! My sister used to say, "You are so book smart, but you have absolutely no street smarts." I love how she called it "street smarts," as if she did, too. We lived in a suburb of a small city--not freaking Harlem. Haha. I knew she meant common sense, but it was still funny that she would say street smarts when talking about hanging an effing towel. :)

      Delete
  5. I love this story and your dad is obviously an awesome guy because I would have lost patience and called you a dumb ass after the 4th time lol (not really but I soooo would have wanted to)
    www.mommysrambles.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Total dumbass-worthy, so you'd have been excused for calling me that! :)

      Delete
  6. Could totally see you jumping up and down - hysterical. I remember one time trying to throw the towel over the rod from inside the shower. It sailed right over and landed in the toilet. I got mad skillz. See - it coulda been worse. Your dad sounds awesome by the way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll have to make sure he sees this. At least it didn't land in the shitter, right?? Haha

      Delete
  7. What a heartwarming tribute to your Dad . . . um . . . guess you don't do much of anything like everyone else does. But I guess that's why your Dad loves you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He has to love me since I'm his kid, but otherwise, I'm not really sure why...?? Haha, but seriously, I get my sense of humor from him, so if he doesn't love it, it's his own fault! :)

      Delete
  8. It seems to me that you were kind of set up on that one. I mean, it's not like the rod was at eye level, and I'm sure you were just really short for your age. Right? Um, right? Come on, I'm trying to help you out, here! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. EXACTLY, Melissa! ExACTly!! Thanks for that! :)

      Delete
  9. Aw, I love this, Dumbass. :) Hee hee hee. Thanks for the Monday morning laugh. I've been MIA for 2 weeks (vacation), and this was the perfect way to start off my jump back into blogging!!!! xo

    ReplyDelete
  10. O my god this was too funny! Thank you for commenting on my blog so I could discord yours, made my day lol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're so welcome! I'm glad you came by. Blog-hopping is a blast, isn't it? I love finding new blogs.

      Delete
  11. My parents used to tell me that for someone who is so smart, I had no common sense. I am totally going back to them now and telling them that at least I could hang up a towel. I was laughing out loud at the visual of the head smacking thing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think many people like to use this blog as an affirmation, like, "No matter how crappy my life is...at least it's not like THIS bitch's..." HAHA!! Or like, "Hey, I'm smart! At least smarter than that horse girl who writes that trashy blog is!" Thanks for the hilarious comment--you've got me laughing over here, too!

      Delete
  12. He may still call you a dumbass but really you're a smartass, and a funny one, too. If it will make you feel any better, I asked my so-called genius 17 yr. old to put my 1000+ pictures in my photo album for me recently. I just looked at it today and guess what? The pictures are upside down and out of sequence. He's such a dumbass.....

    ReplyDelete
  13. I think they made Father's Day to recognize them for the number of times they keep "dumbass" in their heads instead of using it. But, in your defense, I would SO much rather have a daughter who's book smart than one who can hang up a towel. And, really, who's the smart one? You ended up NOT having to hang up your towels!! AND getting a pat on the head!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I can't believe I haven't been keeping up! You kill me every time!

    your dad sounds like a great guy :) when are you gonna link up to a TT? or get a Twitter so I don't miss a post?

    ReplyDelete