Honestly, peeps, I’m torn between driving over to her house, grabbing her phone, and stomping the shit out of it to breaking point—or totally not doing that and encouraging her to continue to text me because it provides such good blog fodder.
On the one hand, with the phone breakage, I’ll get my appetite back and will probably gain 10 pounds.
On other hand, I’ll continue to receive these disgusting, totally unnecessary texts, continue to lose my appetite along with some weight, and will continue to be provided with the stuff that makes blogs like this one so stupid.
Okay, so option #2 it is, in all ways.
I’m not sure if you’ve read my About Me section, but in it, I highlight a couple of my favorite texts ever from my mom:
You will love this story. I was eating pizza (like last time) and my denture (top) just broke right in two. Since insurance doesn’t cover that, I need a new set but they are expensive. So I went to the hardware store, but the guy wouldn’t sell me superglue when I told him what it was for because of the chemicals in the glue. I told him I couldn’t go anywhere without teeth!
Followed the next day by this:
Well, now I have slight diarrhea and stomach pains. Do u think it’s the soft foods I’ve been eating or the chemicals in the superglue? Lol (although not really funny!)
One a side note: You know what I like the most, peeps? What I like the most is when my mom comes to visit and my new friends go, “Oh! Now I see where you get it!”
Usually I punch them in the face before asking them to leave.
Just last week, I got another text from my mom that said this:
Hey, babe. Sorry I missed you at the mall. I started almost shitting my pants right after breakfast…could have been something in the gravy? Bill had to rush me home so I could shit. Not a pretty picture, huh?
Well, not so much as I’m eating my pork dumplings for lunch, but otherwise totally cool...
It reminded me of the time I was headed to my boy best friend’s wedding. My mom was invited, although she’s always late, so we told her that she was responsible for driving herself there…and any of us drunkies home at the end of the night. As I was hopping into my car to head to the church to get ready for the ceremony, I got this text from my mom:
I just shit my pants. Like really shit. There’s a little spot in my underwear.
I mean, I wasn’t wondering why she’d shit her pants; obviously she had some kind of stomach thing. But why such a detailed text to me about it, especially when she knew I was hurriedly heading to the church so I could meet the other bridesmaids to get ready?
I don’t know why I even checked my phone when I felt it vibrate several minutes later.
Still shitting. But at least the puking stopped.
Well, that’s something, right?
The last text I received from Mom before I electronically broke up with her for the evening went like this:
Sure wish I could at least come to the reception. Will you come and get me? I think I’ll be able to hold it in.
I felt this one warranted a phone call. She didn’t answer—I imagine she was holed up in the bathroom—so I left her a message. “No. NO, I will not come and get you. STAY HOME. Nobody wants to catch a case of the damned trots from you."
I felt bad that I’d been so harsh, so I texted “Love you,” and shut off my phone.
She does sometimes text semi-normal things that don’t involve discussions on her fluid bowels. Normally those texts come in at 5:15 AM, and only on the days that I’m off work from my morning job and think I’ll get to sleep in a little bit instead of waking up at 5:00 AM.
And I do get to sleep in—for about 15 minutes, before Mom feels that a text like this cannot possibly wait a moment longer:
Love you! Give the kids a kiss for me and tell them that Gramma loves them!
Seriously, how sweet is that? But dammit if it couldn’t have waited until 8 AM. We know you love us, Mom, and we love you, too. I never tire of hearing it or saying it. But next time?
And finally, one of my other favorites, one of the few that doesn’t use the word shit:
Bill and I will be driving through your town on the way to vacation. We don’t have time to stop, but will you and the kids come and stand at the corner by that one stoplight and wave to me as we drive by? Be there in about 10 minutes. Love you!
This one, too, came at 5:15 AM on a morning I had off, and it was no fewer than 4 actual messages long, so I got to hear the buzzing of my phone 4 times as it came through.
I was confused. Did she really expect me to wake my kids up, get them dressed, and strap them into their carseats so that we could drive down the road, park next to a stoplight, and wave to my mom as she and her boyfriend drove past?
But suddenly it dawned on me: This had to be a joking text. She hadn’t used the word shit. If she had said it like this…
Bill and I will be driving through your town on the way to vacation. We don’t have time to stop because I’m about to shit my pants, but will you and the kids come and stand at the corner by that one stoplight and wave to me as we drive by? Be there in about 10 minutes. Love you!
…then you can bet your ass I would have known she was serious and really wanted to see my boys on her way through town.
As it was, though, I laughed at her cleverness and went back to bed.