Friday, June 7, 2013

Mom Texts

Let me start by saying HOLY SHIT someone needs to take my mom’s phone away.


Honestly, peeps, I’m torn between driving over to her house, grabbing her phone, and stomping the shit out of it to breaking point—or totally not doing that and encouraging her to continue to text me because it provides such good blog fodder.
 

On the one hand, with the phone breakage, I’ll get my appetite back and will probably gain 10 pounds. 
 

On other hand, I’ll continue to receive these disgusting, totally unnecessary texts, continue to lose my appetite along with some weight, and will continue to be provided with the stuff that makes blogs like this one so stupid.
 

Okay, so option #2 it is, in all ways.
 

I’m not sure if you’ve read my About Me section, but in it, I highlight a couple of my favorite texts ever from my mom:
 

You will love this story. I was eating pizza (like last time) and my denture (top) just broke right in two. Since insurance doesn’t cover that, I need a new set but they are expensive. So I went to the hardware store, but the guy wouldn’t sell me superglue when I told him what it was for because of the chemicals in the glue. I told him I couldn’t go anywhere without teeth!
 

Followed the next day by this:
 

Well, now I have slight diarrhea and stomach pains. Do u think it’s the soft foods I’ve been eating or the chemicals in the superglue? Lol (although not really funny!)
 

One a side note:  You know what I like the most, peeps?  What I like the most is when my mom comes to visit and my new friends go, “Oh!  Now I see where you get it!” 
 

Usually I punch them in the face before asking them to leave.
 

Just last week, I got another text from my mom that said this:
 

Hey, babe.  Sorry I missed you at the mall.  I started almost shitting my pants right after breakfast…could have been something in the gravy?  Bill had to rush me home so I could shit.  Not a pretty picture, huh?
 

Well, not so much as I’m eating my pork dumplings for lunch, but otherwise totally cool...
 

It reminded me of the time I was headed to my boy best friend’s wedding.  My mom was invited, although she’s always late, so we told her that she was responsible for driving herself there…and any of us drunkies home at the end of the night.  As I was hopping into my car to head to the church to get ready for the ceremony, I got this text from my mom:
 

I just shit my pants.  Like really shit.  There’s a little spot in my underwear.
 

Why?  Why??
 

I mean, I wasn’t wondering why she’d shit her pants; obviously she had some kind of stomach thing.  But why such a detailed text to me about it, especially when she knew I was hurriedly heading to the church so I could meet the other bridesmaids to get ready?
 

I don’t know why I even checked my phone when I felt it vibrate several minutes later.
 

Still shitting.  But at least the puking stopped.
 

Well, that’s something, right?
 

The last text I received from Mom before I electronically broke up with her for the evening went like this:
 

Sure wish I could at least come to the reception.  Will you come and get me?  I think I’ll be able to hold it in.
 

I felt this one warranted a phone call.  She didn’t answer—I imagine she was holed up in the bathroom—so I left her a message.  “No.  NO, I will not come and get you.  STAY HOME.  Nobody wants to catch a case of the damned trots from you."
 

I felt bad that I’d been so harsh, so I texted “Love you,” and shut off my phone.
 

She does sometimes text semi-normal things that don’t involve discussions on her fluid bowels.  Normally those texts come in at 5:15 AM, and only on the days that I’m off work from my morning job and think I’ll get to sleep in a little bit instead of waking up at 5:00 AM. 
 

And I do get to sleep in—for about 15 minutes, before Mom feels that a text like this cannot possibly wait a moment longer:
 

Love you!  Give the kids a kiss for me and tell them that Gramma loves them!
 

Seriously, how sweet is that?  But dammit if it couldn’t have waited until 8 AM.  We know you love us, Mom, and we love you, too.  I never tire of hearing it or saying it.  But next time? 
 

8 AM.
 

And finally, one of my other favorites, one of the few that doesn’t use the word shit:
 

Bill and I will be driving through your town on the way to vacation.  We don’t have time to stop, but will you and the kids come and stand at the corner by that one stoplight and wave to me as we drive by?  Be there in about 10 minutes.  Love you!
 

This one, too, came at 5:15 AM on a morning I had off, and it was no fewer than 4 actual messages long, so I got to hear the buzzing of my phone 4 times as it came through.
 
 
I was confused.  Did she really expect me to wake my kids up, get them dressed, and strap them into their carseats so that we could drive down the road, park next to a stoplight, and wave to my mom as she and her boyfriend drove past?
 

But suddenly it dawned on me:  This had to be a joking text.  She hadn’t used the word shit.  If she had said it like this…
 

Bill and I will be driving through your town on the way to vacation.  We don’t have time to stop because I’m about to shit my pants, but will you and the kids come and stand at the corner by that one stoplight and wave to me as we drive by?  Be there in about 10 minutes.  Love you!
 

 …then you can bet your ass I would have known she was serious and really wanted to see my boys on her way through town. 
 

As it was, though, I laughed at her cleverness and went back to bed.

26 comments:

  1. Haha! I love that she asked you to stand at the corner. I have told friends before I don't want any bathroom texts- I get totally uncomfortable.

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    1. She is crazy. :) I can't ask her to stop sending them b/c they crack me up so hard! But seriously, she has been talking about her bowels since I was born, so it doesn't even really gross me out anymore. I just put that I was grossed out in there for effect. Haha

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  2. OMG, I can't stop laughing! I'm so glad that I popped in to read this one!!! Off to shit myself now ;)

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    1. I'm so glad you popped in! I visit your blog frequently...take your time, but just so you know, I'm ready for a new post from your goofy, hilarious ass! :)

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    2. I got one in the hopper for Monday ;) FINALLY! Thanks for hanging in there with your Trashy Ass!

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  3. hahaha that is so much worse than my husband answering the phone in the bathroom!

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    1. She just doesn't have a filter, Kerri! Haha

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  4. Umm, I now think you're a friend of mine since I have a friend with an insane mom like yours. Except oh wait, my friend is way more insane than you and wouldn't keep it anonymous!

    Another friend of mine is suspended from texting right now (by me) for sending one to her DAD that she meant for her husband. She's a peach. :)

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    1. ARGH!! I think sending your dad a pervy one would be MUCH worse than getting a shitty one from your mom! Haha. Your poor friend!!

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  5. See most of the time I wish I could teach my mom to text, but now I'm kind of glad she doesn't know how. Of course she would need a cell phone that isn't 10 years old first....

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    1. Vanessa--you should get her to! Look how easy it is to whip up a blog post once they figure it out! haha

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  6. My dad doesn't really like to text unless absolutely necessary, but since my mom died, I have become his confidante. So I get regular health updates, including but not limited to gastrointestinal issues, diarrhea bouts, hypochondriac calls about his recent diagnosis of anemia, this weird spot on his foot, his incontinence. Oh, lord. I miss my mom and her texts with misspelled words and nonsensical abbreviations. Then she could listen to him. ;)

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    1. Aw, that was both a really funny and a really sweet comment. :)

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  7. OMG! My mom is always telling me about her shit problems too! Thank god she doesn't text!...but she does call. She calls to tell me about her near shit misses, her non misses, what she thinks caused it, and (get this) her tooth problem! Yes, my mom has a tooth problem too! And these phone calls are loong, so be grateful for the texts.

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    1. I think a phone call would be way worse!! Haha. And the tooth problem--no way! Oh, Kim, we are meeting up in person someday, dammit. We would have a blast!

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  8. You mom provides excellent fodder for your blog. And good business for Pepto Bismol, I presume. At least with texts you can roll your eyes all you want and she won't know!

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    1. Exactly! But I tell her that I roll my eyes...and then share her texts with the world. Haha

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  9. Shay my love -
    You are hilarious and awesome and I am so happy that I found your skanky ass self in this huge blog world. I love your mom's texts (does she know you tell us about her shitting problems? just curious). My mom's texts are boring guilt trips which she "softens" by putting in like 35 emoticon flowers and hearts and crap. I see through her though. Maybe I'll tell her that it's more socially acceptable to tell me about having the shits when she does. Or not.
    HAHAHH that you thought about putting the kids in the car and driving to wave at your mom. You are awesome. <3

    PS is this going to go to spam forever? Should I type sh!t like that??? MWAH.

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    1. Totally not spammed forever. YAY!!!! Yes, she knows. Sometimes I think she and my dad act out so that they can make an appearance on the blog. They're annoyed that I went anon so I can't post pics of them, too. :)

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  10. It is impressive that your mom can text. The call waiting on my parents phone, that is still attached to the wall btw, throws my mother into a tizzy.

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  11. Your mother sounds hilarious. And yes, NOW I know where your humor comes from.....

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    1. Marcia! You're not supposed to say that!!! Haha. Gotta love her. And she really does give me permission to write whatever I want, so gotta love her even more for that!

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  12. omg Shay - the gross stories. Moms rule at that. Mine does. First there's her infamous foot scraping story that she told at dinner about ten years ago. We're still reeling from that. Then last week she shared the gory deets about my uncle bleeding from the ass. Yeah. She likes to talk about gross things at meals, much like my boys and she'll always say "What? It's not gross!" Your mom and my mom should have lunch and gross each other out. I can't believe she told you to stand on the corner. That is priceless. You need to do "Mom" stand-up. Thank gawd my mom doesn't text.

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    1. Okay, I would have laughed my ass off at the bleeding from the ass story (although poor uncle)! They are the best, aren't they? I think it's probably where we get our irreverant writing style--and that's a good thing! :)

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  13. Thankfully, my mom does not text or have woes of the bowel kind. However...I would NOT put it past her to suggest that we wait by the corner for her to drive by and wave AND actually mean it...I've just decided I'm jealous of the texts and the bowel woes.

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