Friday, May 10, 2013

Poop Wars: A Totally (Not) Inspirational Mother's Day Story


My youngest son has been suffering through a few bouts of Explosive D lately. 

 

My husband and I both have to get up early in the morning for work, so the one who gets up with the kids, fixes them breakfast, changes the youngest’s diapers, and does all of the other morning rituals with them is simply up in the air.  Some days it’s the hubs, some days it’s me. 

 

Last Saturday, though, my mother’s intuition must have really been kicking in, because as soon as I heard that first pitter-patter of feet on the hallway floor, I was up.  I hopped out of bed, fixed pancakes (and by “fixed,” I mean I took them out of the freezer and microwaved them), changed the toddler’s diaper and clothes, and helped the preschooler get dressed, all before the hubs had lifted his weary head off of his pillow.

 

When I changed the toddler, I noticed he had pooped, but it wasn’t anything awful.  Just a solid turd that could be cleaned up in one fell swoop.  (I swear this is pertinent.)

 

However, the first thing the hubs did when he strolled into the living room was crinkle up his nose.  “What the hell is that smell?” he asked.  He looked down at our toddler.  “Did you poop, Buddy?”

 

“YEAH!” our little guy answered, already up and running because, like most toddlers, he apparently prefers the squish of the poop between his buttcheeks over suffering the indignity of getting his diaper changed.

 

My husband looked my way.

 

“Did he poop again?” I asked, squinting at my computer to pretend like I was working, even though we could both see that I had Facebook pulled up.  “Well, I just changed him.”

 

The hubs knows what that response is code for:  Knock yourself out, asshole, because it’s your turn.

 

And, to his credit, I didn’t even have to pull the “Um, excuse me, Mother’s Day IS next week,” card.  (How the hell do I still keep getting away with that, by the way?  I’ve somehow managed to batter him down emotionally so much about it that Mother’s Day has been extended to a full week.  Score!)  He knew it was his turn, and he got to work.

 

What came next was one of the funniest things in the whole entire world, mainly because I got to sit at my computer and witness it.  As the hubs set the toddler down to change him and began wailing (the hubs began wailing, in case you were confused), I had to grab my little Harriet the Spy blogging notebook and record what was being said.

 

Because the Explosive D had returned, and it wasn’t pretty. 

 

Here, I’d like to present to you just a few of the reactions the hubs had.  Now, try not to judge as you see a few curse words peppered here and there. We do not curse in front of our children except for on special occasions, and I think you’ll agree that this occasion was special enough, and it was warranted:

 

1.        “It’s leaking out.  Dammit, it’s that kind of poop.  It’s leaking out!” 

Here, he swept his eyes in a frenzied look all around the house, but he gave up when he realized that the preschooler was too busy with an Umizoomi episode and I was too busy with my Harriet the Spy blogging notebook to offer him any sympathy.

 

2.       “It’s everywhere.  Oh, gawd.  Holy shit.”

 

3.       Retching noises.

 

4.       “Sweet Mother of God, is that…is it on your neck?  How did it get there, Buddy?”

 

5.        “I can’t set him anywhere—shit will get everywhere.  I’ll have to change him standing up.”

 

Me:  “You know, they make diapers specifically for kids who are difficult to change.  With those, you actually could change him standing up pretty easily.”

 

Hubs, hope filling his whole being:  “Do we have any?”

 

Me:  “No.”

 

6.        “I don't think I'll ever get this smell out of my nose."

 

7.        Retching noises.

 

8.       “I'm going to be sick."

 

9.       “Did he have a lot of fruit for breakfast?”

 

10.   “Or corn?”

 

I know damned well that the hubs didn’t find any undigested kernels in the toddler’s pile. He just says things about corn to embarrass me because until I was 27 years old, I thought people were joking when they said you could see corn in your poop the day after you eat it.  The hubs thinks it’s HUH-larious to make fun of me about it.

 

I remember it well:  It was the day after I’d gotten a little crazy with some corn cobs at an afternoon barbeque.  I’ve never particularly liked corn, but I buttered, salted, and ate the shit out of it that day.  And the next day, I had proof.

 

I walked out of the bathroom, marveling that what I’d heard all my life was true.  My husband stared at me, not sure whether to laugh or cry at his choice of a wife, and said, “You seriously did not know that you can see corn in your poop the day after you eat it?”

 

I looked at him, eyes still wide in awe over my discovery.  “I seriously did not!” I said excitedly.

 

He just shook his head.  I thought I saw a tear roll down his cheek, and I can only assume that it was a tear of sadness at the prospect of living out the rest of his days with such a dumbass.  “Didn’t you ever eat corn as a kid?”

 

I thought about it for a moment.  “No.  Dad didn’t like vegetables, so he never bought any—unless you count the ones that were included in Banquet frozen chicken dinners, and I always threw the vegetables out of those, anyway.  He just hoped we got them at friends’ houses during sleepovers.”

 

And I know that there are people out there who don’t consider corn a vegetable, and those people can suck a (corn)nut.  I was at a mother’s group one day where one of the overachieving snatch moms helpfully pointed out that corn was, in fact, not considered a veggie in her household, and half of the moms at the table flipped her off while the other half covered their children’s ears at such blasphemy.  Because dammit, corn’s the easiest one to get our kids to eat!

 

Holy SHIT, why the hell do you people let me go on like that?  What the hell was the point of #10?

 

11.    “It smells like a man shit.  Can you smell it over there?”

 

12.    “Seriously, dude.  It smells like a man shit.”  Turning to me.  “Or one of yours.”

 

Me:  “That’s because I used to be a man.”

 

The hubs, hesitatingly:  “You were not.”

 

Me:  “Doesn’t matter, anyway.  Marriage vows.”

 

Let me explain this exchange:  Once, when I told him to suck my balls, the hubs responded very quickly with “You don’t have any balls.” 

 

It made me angry because it was such a quick-witted and accurate response, one that totally negated the bite of “Suck my balls.”

 

So I responded, “Not anymore.”

 

Ever since then, he’s wondered.  It’s the one time I thank the Good Lord in Heaven for the sweet blessings of whiskers and a man voice that He poured on me from above.

 

13.    “What color would you say that is?”

 

14.    “He’s gonna need a bath.”

 

15.    Retching noises.

 

END SCENE

 

A very Happy Mother’s Day to my mom, grams, mother-in-law, and to all of you mothers out there—AND  to all you wonderful husbands (like my sweet hubs) and single dads (like my awesome dad was for several years) who are knocking this parenting stuff out of the ballpark!  We got this…

 

And I know this is a little bit serious and totally out of place for this asshole blog, but I have to give a shout-out to any women who want so desperately to have a baby and to be a mother—I understand.  I was there for 3 very long years.  Trust me when I say that it can happen; with the many different ways to become a mother, there’s a hugely, humongously high possibility that it will happen; and it will be wonderful, shitty diapers and all.  Much love to you on a day that can be hard.

 

 

24 comments:

  1. BAHAHAHHA! I love these posts about your husband because I can TOTALLY relate. My husband doesn't do diapers. Period. And when my daughter pukes (as she often does thanks to inheriting his weak stomach), I actually have to put him in a time out so I can clean it all up BY MYSELF while simultaneously keeping her happy.

    Sometimes I wish I was one of those women who could just hand their husband a bucket and say, "suck it up."

    On a plus side, it gives me a lot of blog fodder. :)

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    1. You and I are a like in many ways--I always say I'm SO thankful for my crazy-ass mother b/c she gives me tons of blog fodder. When I tell her that, she goes, "Blog what?"

      When I met my hubs, I didn't event think I wanted kids, but I swear I remember saying, "In case I change my mind...do you change diapers?" haha

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  2. Oh, we've had those very conversations in my house too! But thankfully with mine now 3 and 9, they're rare. Except last week when one had to do a 'cleanout' and I was texted actual photos of poop.

    Happy Mother's Day!

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    1. I love that you were texted photos of the poop! Hilarious!!

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  3. Every. Single. Time. I. Visit. I love you MORE. You are so freaking awesome. I love that you didn't know you could see corn in your poop until you were 27! The hubs convo/exchange was awesome and go you for making him wonder if you used to be a man. And - how cool that you gave a shout-out to the moms who don't yet have their babies. I had some problems as well. Which is part of why I'm old enough to be my son's grandma. It's still awesome. Shitty diapers and all.

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    1. I swear, Kristi, just reading your comments makes my whole day/week/month. Thank you for being such an awesome cyberfriend!!

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    2. Thank you for being so awesome period! And...(drumroll) Hey I made a new button just for you (because the old one was just the developmental delay one). And. I think you're awesome.

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  4. You know I love me a post about poop. I can completely relate to the chess game that happens around who's going to field the poop. And it is uncanny...having to deal with poop so much on a daily basis does make you think about your own and reminisce about it in a way that would be impossible as a childless person. This post is hilarious, as is all of your writing.

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  5. I have to hand it to your husband...Brian would have gotten in the car and driven away, mid-diaper change. Really. Or maybe I should give you credit for not jumping in to save him. I remember I was at the beach once and Brian called me at least 5 times to tell me about the horrors of Collin's diarrhea...like I might actually come home- ha! I booked an extra day.

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    1. You booked an extra day! Priceless.

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  6. LOL, if your hubby had been gagging and swallowing his escaping puke, it could have been a convo at our place. He does diapers too, which is awesome, but some days I cannot handle the show that comes with if it's a poopy one.

    Love the shout out to all the mommies, especially the ones still waiting for their poopy diapers and all.

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    1. Thanks! I know I'm normally a smartass, but the 3 years I was waiting for our first son were the longest years of my life, and I did NOT enjoy Mother's Day at all. It was one of the worst days those three years. So I always think about and pray for those ladies that are in the same spot I was on Mother's Day. :)

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  7. Wow, I'm traumatized. Every time I read something like this, I put kids off another day!

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    1. Oh, Jill, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to traumatize you! Haha. At the risk of sounding WAY cliche, we moms love to joke about this kind of stuff, but honestly having kids is the best thing in the world. They are hilarious and cute and cuddly--at least for a little while! Haha. Thanks for stopping by!

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  8. Poop stories crack me up! My Husband willingly changes diapers, sadly without hilarious commentary. . .but he does do this weird talking/breathing thing where I can tell he's trying not to breath through his nose to avoid any nasty odors. I pity him really. It must be so difficult being him. :)

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    1. Aren't they cute? (The husbands AND the kids, really...:))

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  9. Happy Mother's Day! At least this one was memorable. {{snicker}}

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    1. Thank you!! It really, really was. :)

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  10. This is one of the funniest blog posts I have read in a long time!! I am dying over here from your husband's comments. You talked about one of my family's FAVORITE subjects--corn poop. I have blogged about it several times and the Hubs even has a corn poop t-shirt. Not kidding. My daughter always used to ask one of life's greatest mysteries--"If you were stranded on an island with no food, and you had a corn poop, would you wash off the kernel and eat it again?" BOOM! There's your thought for the day to ponder!

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    1. Holy shit (pun intended), I am laughing SO hard at your daughter's question!! And in honor of it, I think I'm going to change my favorite saying, "Holy shit," to "Holy corn poop." Whatdya think??

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  11. I can't even remember how I found you, but I'm so very glad I did. I've read all your posts from the beginning and have repeatedly laughed out loud. I think I love you!! Thank you for the laughs, and I look forward to future posts.

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  12. I can't even remember how I found you, but I'm so glad I did! I read all your posts from the beginning and laughed out loud repeatedly. I think I love you! Thank you for the laughs, and I'm looking forward to future posts.

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  13. My good Lord, this is the funniest thing I've read in a while! And tell you what, I didn't know about the corn thing too! Gonna check that next time. :D

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