The other day, I was chugging away at the treadmill (Have you ever tried to drink while jogging? Makes it so much more fun—and that will be relevant, I promise), reading my trash rags. I came across this quote from Aisha Tyler:
“Sleepovers are wasted on kids. They’re so much more fun when you can drink!”
I gotta tell ya, peeps: I have seriously sat back during a sleepover at my best friend’s house and watched her kids and their friends run around the house in their jammies while the two of us sat and sipped wine in ours. And I can honestly remember thinking, “We’re having fun because we’re drinking. What’s their excuse?”
Leave it to Aisha Tyler to put in such an elegant, concise way. I have been a huge fan of hers since the night she debuted on Talk Soup with her deep, smoky voice. I remember that she said something I could totally relate to back then, too: “Excuse the husky man voice. It’s from all the beer and hookers last night.”
At the time, I nodded my head vehemently. Yes—that’s what mine was from, too!
That was almost 13 years ago. So what’s my excuse for my sex-ay man voice now? Wine and hookers.
When I read the sleepover quote from Aisha Tyler, I couldn’t stop my brain from forming a list—it’s what we blog authorettes do these days, you know, because lists are all the rage in the blogging world right now. So I’d like to present to you…
10 Other Things (Plus One Bonus) that Are More Fun when Drinking
1.) Making out with an ugly person. Just ask any of the drunk dudes I made out with in college.
2.) Dyeing your hair. When I was about 22—during my first year of teaching—my roommate, an aspiring hairdresser, decided that we should bleach my hair. I decided that she was right. Actually, I never gave a shit what I looked like back then, so I thought it would be fun to see what happened.
What happened was this: We drank two bottles of wine (each) as she slathered that shit all over my hair, saying things like, “Oh, yes, you must pour it all over the top first and then do the tips later so that it comes out evenly on the hair shafts.” WTF?? She’d totally made all of that jumbled bullshit up just to make herself sound professional.
But I didn’t give two shits what she was doing—I had wine.
We left it on for 2 hours, just to be sure that the yellow would come through enough. And holy shit, yes, it came through. It wasn’t that cute Barbie platinum look we were going for, though—it was a bright, Pall Mall-cigarette-box-orange. Here, I’ll find an image for you just in case you’re not as trashy as I am, and you have no idea how orange Pall Mall cigarette boxes are:
Did I cry? Hell, no. I was two bottles of wine deep. I laughed until I cried, then we called a cab to take us to the grocery store where I’d worked before I started teaching to show all of my old co-workers. I remember they were all asking things like, “Oh, are you here to get a box of brown to cover it up?” and I would answer, “Cover this up? Hell, no! It’s too funny!”
That Monday, I had slight doubts as I brushed out my flowing orange mane. Not only did it look exactly like a box of bleach had been dropped on my head (which is precisely what had happened), but several pieces also kept falling out. Oops.
But I had a job to do. I had to go mold the minds of 5th graders. (Holy shit.)
When I got to work, the principals hardly glanced twice at me. They were used to my dumbass shenanigans. The kids, however, studied my hair intently.
“We don’t know…we almost kind of like it,” a lot of them said.
“It’s just that we’ve never seen a hue like that,” others said.
“It’s so…Vitamin C,” several said.
I teared up at my little geniuses (geniusi?). “Wow, you guys are so smart! You know that Vitamin C relates to oranges. Your health teacher is doing a really great job.”
One of my students shrugged. “No way, dude. He’s just as ineffective as you are. Vitamin C’s a singer. Get with the program.”
3.) Speaking of which—teaching. Teaching is an assload more fun when drinking. Oh, calm down, I’m kidding. Any literal readers out there might want to find a different blog.
Actually, any parents of my former students who are disheartened with the educational system because their kids don’t know a coordinating conjunction from their own asshole but they know how to make a perfect Long Island Iced Tea (my drink of choice in those days)—well, maybe you should find a different blog to read, too.
4.) Cheating on your husband. WHOA! That one hit a little too close to home for some of you skanksters, didn’t it? Don’t worry—I’m just kidding. But if you were the cheating type, I’ll bet it’d be more fun if you were drinking. As would any sex.
5.) Speaking of which, sex. Sex is better when drinking. Luckily it doesn’t take that much in my old age. Two glasses of wine is much more affordable for the hubs when he’s feeling frisk-ay than my collegiate 12-pack.
And my low sex drive insures that I’ll never become a sex-driven alcoholic. We do it once a week, my peeps, usually on Thursdays because that’s the best t.v. night—and the commercial breaks are shorter.
We get it all taken care of during a commercial break, then I’m off the hook for another week, bitches.
6.) Eating. You know that pizza you’ve been dying to eat and then wash down with the Cadbury Crème eggs and ham left over from Easter? Do it!! And while you’re at it, go ahead and fry that squirrel that you found on the side of the road and picked up “in case of emergencies.”
Seriously, indulge. You can worry about it in the morning…if you even remember it.
7.) Telling people exactly what you think of them, i.e., “DIRTY SLUT!”
Come to think of it, it’s also better to be drinking when you hear exactly what other peeps think of you. Trust me, I know: Had I not been tossing them back, the example above might have stung…and the neighing noises that followed it would have surely done me in. Ouch.
Neigh neigh, motherfckers, cuz look at me now. I’m an unpaid, unpublished blog authorette with awful roots.
8.) Getting a tattoo. Because that miniature poodle tramp stamp I got one drunken night 16 years ago? Best decision I ever made.
9.) Drinking. Drinking is more fun when you’re drinking.
I once dated this tee totaling asshole who would raise his eyebrows to the sky every single time I or one of my friends got up to get another beer. I also found out that he was having sex with his dog, so maybe that was their mating call or something. (Okay, that was never proven, but you should have seen the way they looked at each other. Totally inappropriate.)
Anyhoo, I made a rule the second I broke up with him—actually, I made two: No more douches in love with their dogs in an unhealthy way, and no more tee totaling assholes. In fact, the hubs knows where I stand: If he ever gives up drinking, we’re gonna have some marital issues.
Granted, we’re not as big of drinkers as we used to be by any means. Nobody could have kept up that lifestyle without a healthy dose of liver disease. But excuse me if I like to have a drink without some holier-than-thou beeyatch giving me a dirty look.
Actually, scratch that. Scratch that one off hard. I am so glad they didn’t have that shit when I was a drunken singleton. SO glad.
11.) Um, pretty much everything. DUH.