Friday, May 3, 2013

More Fun When Drinking


The other day, I was chugging away at the treadmill (Have you ever tried to drink while jogging? Makes it so much more fun—and that will be relevant, I promise), reading my trash rags.  I came across this quote from Aisha Tyler:

 

“Sleepovers are wasted on kids.  They’re so much more fun when you can drink!”

 

I gotta tell ya, peeps:  I have seriously sat back during a sleepover at my best friend’s house and watched her kids and their friends run around the house in their jammies while the two of us sat and sipped wine in ours.  And I can honestly remember thinking, “We’re having fun because we’re drinking.  What’s their excuse?”

 

Leave it to Aisha Tyler to put in such an elegant, concise way.  I have been a huge fan of hers since the night she debuted on Talk Soup with her deep, smoky voice.  I remember that she said something I could totally relate to back then, too:  “Excuse the husky man voice.  It’s from all the beer and hookers last night.” 

 

At the time, I nodded my head vehemently.  Yes—that’s what mine was from, too! 

 

That was almost 13 years ago.  So what’s my excuse for my sex-ay man voice now?  Wine and hookers.

 

When I read the sleepover quote from Aisha Tyler, I couldn’t stop my brain from forming a list—it’s what we blog authorettes do these days, you know, because lists are all the rage in the blogging world right now.  So I’d like to present to you…

 

10 Other Things (Plus One Bonus) that Are More Fun when Drinking

 

1.)     Making out with an ugly person.  Just ask any of the drunk dudes I made out with in college.

 

2.)    Dyeing your hair.  When I was about 22—during my first year of teaching—my roommate, an aspiring hairdresser, decided that we should bleach my hair. I decided that she was right.  Actually, I never gave a shit what I looked like back then, so I thought it would be fun to see what happened.

 

What happened was this:  We drank two bottles of wine (each) as she slathered that shit all over my hair, saying things like, “Oh, yes, you must pour it all over the top first and then do the tips later so that it comes out evenly on the hair shafts.”  WTF??  She’d totally made all of that jumbled bullshit up just to make herself sound professional. 

 

But I didn’t give two shits what she was doing—I had wine.

 

We left it on for 2 hours, just to be sure that the yellow would come through enough.  And holy shit, yes, it came through.  It wasn’t that cute Barbie platinum look we were going for, though—it was a bright, Pall Mall-cigarette-box-orange.  Here, I’ll find an image for you just in case you’re not as trashy as I am, and you have no idea how orange Pall Mall cigarette boxes are:





Did I cry?  Hell, no.  I was two bottles of wine deep.  I laughed until I cried, then we called a cab to take us to the grocery store where I’d worked before I started teaching to show all of my old co-workers.  I remember they were all asking things like, “Oh, are you here to get a box of brown to cover it up?” and I would answer, “Cover this up? Hell, no!  It’s too funny!”

 

That Monday, I had slight doubts as I brushed out my flowing orange mane.  Not only did it look exactly like a box of bleach had been dropped on my head (which is precisely what had happened), but several pieces also kept falling out.  Oops.

 

But I had a job to do.  I had to go mold the minds of 5th graders.  (Holy shit.) 

 

When I got to work, the principals hardly glanced twice at me.  They were used to my dumbass shenanigans.  The kids, however, studied my hair intently.

 

“We don’t know…we almost kind of like it,” a lot of them said.

 

“It’s just that we’ve never seen a hue like that,” others said.

 

“It’s so…Vitamin C,” several said.

 

I teared up at my little geniuses (geniusi?).  “Wow, you guys are so smart!  You know that Vitamin C relates to oranges.  Your health teacher is doing a really great job.”

 

One of my students shrugged.  “No way, dude.  He’s just as ineffective as you are.  Vitamin C’s a singer.  Get with the program.” 

 

3.)     Speaking of which—teaching.  Teaching is an assload more fun when drinking.  Oh, calm down, I’m kidding.  Any literal readers out there might want to find a different blog.

 

Actually, any parents of my former students who are disheartened with the educational system because their kids don’t know a coordinating conjunction from their own asshole but they know how to make a perfect Long Island Iced Tea (my drink of choice in those days)—well, maybe you should find a different blog to read, too. 

 

Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks.

 

4.)     Cheating on your husband.  WHOA!  That one hit a little too close to home for some of you skanksters, didn’t it?  Don’t worry—I’m just kidding.  But if you were the cheating type, I’ll bet it’d be more fun if you were drinking.  As would any sex.

 

5.)     Speaking of which, sex.  Sex is better when drinking.  Luckily it doesn’t take that much in my old age.  Two glasses of wine is much more affordable for the hubs when he’s feeling frisk-ay than my collegiate 12-pack.

 

And my low sex drive insures that I’ll never become a sex-driven alcoholic.  We do it once a week, my peeps, usually on Thursdays because that’s the best t.v. night—and the commercial breaks are shorter.

 

We get it all taken care of during a commercial break, then I’m off the hook for another week, bitches.

 

6.)     Eating.  You know that pizza you’ve been dying to eat and then wash down with the Cadbury Crème eggs and ham left over from Easter?  Do it!!  And while you’re at it, go ahead and fry that squirrel that you found on the side of the road and picked up “in case of emergencies.” 

 

Seriously, indulge.  You can worry about it in the morning…if you even remember it.

 

7.)     Telling people exactly what you think of them, i.e., “DIRTY SLUT!”

 

Come to think of it, it’s also better to be drinking when you hear exactly what other peeps think of you.  Trust me, I know:  Had I not been tossing them back, the example above might have stung…and the neighing noises that followed it would have surely done me in.  Ouch. 

 

Neigh neigh, motherfckers, cuz look at me now.  I’m an unpaid, unpublished blog authorette with awful roots.

 

DAMMIT.

 

8.)    Getting a tattoo.  Because that miniature poodle tramp stamp I got one drunken night 16 years ago?  Best decision I ever made. 

 

9.)     Drinking.  Drinking is more fun when you’re drinking.

 

I once dated this tee totaling asshole who would raise his eyebrows to the sky every single time I or one of my friends got up to get another beer.  I also found out that he was having sex with his dog, so maybe that was their mating call or something.  (Okay, that was never proven, but you should have seen the way they looked at each other.  Totally inappropriate.)

 

Anyhoo, I made a rule the second I broke up with him—actually, I made two:  No more douches in love with their dogs in an unhealthy way, and no more tee totaling assholes.  In fact, the hubs knows where I stand:  If he ever gives up drinking, we’re gonna have some marital issues.

 

Granted, we’re not as big of drinkers as we used to be by any means.  Nobody could have kept up that lifestyle without a healthy dose of liver disease.  But excuse me if I like to have a drink without some holier-than-thou beeyatch giving me a dirty look.

 

10.)  Facebooking. 

 

Actually, scratch that.  Scratch that one off hard.  I am so glad they didn’t have that shit when I was a drunken singleton.  SO glad.

 

11.)  Um, pretty much everything.  DUH.

41 comments:

  1. OMFG as fellow drinker, this is AWESOME! And I have to agree with all of it.

    My daughter has sleepovers and the moms and I stay outside and get drunk. We have a hellevue lot more fun!

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    1. I figured I'd reach a few of you with this one! Haha. Thanks for always coming back to read, Jules. I love seeing what you're up to on your blog, too!

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  2. Lol, my.personal favorite is the park. The park is way more fun after a drink. I wish it could be 2 or 3, but that's just bad parenting...

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  3. This is amazing! I am totally guilty of eating pizza by the slice drunk last night... so fun!

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    1. I'll bet it tasted so much better, too! :)

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  4. Agree to the Thank God FB wasn't around when I was a drunken slut. So glad. People could have tagged me and had someplace to post the inappropriate photos of me doing really stupid stuff. Hey I want to see a photo of you with the orange hair because I KNOW you took one. Or twenty. And oh sh!t to the liver part. Guess I should be more healthy. Sheesh.
    You're so freaking awesome and I love coming here. Smoke and all. Oh and I have one of those man voices too. Cigarettes and hookers. And beer. And whisky. Or something. It was a long time ago and I don't really remember.

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    1. And texting, too--texting would have been AWFUL to have around in those days!

      Oh, yes, I have a few of those pics. I would LOVE to post if I weren't anon. Not only was it orange, but it was stripey-orange. I used to say it looked like she had put me next to blinds with the sun coming in and painted the bleach over the lines made, b/c that's exactly the pattern that my hair made. She still hates when I tell the story b/c she's become an actual legit hairdresser. But she's really good at it now! I just got her in her early days. :)

      And oh, Kristi, a fellow man voice. I love my voice most days, but sometimes I seriously have to specify to people: I swear I don't smoke a pack a day. I USED to during my drunken college days, but not anymore. I don't even smoke ONE a day! Could this voice be residual from 15 years ago??

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  5. Totally with ya on the Facebooking, boy would I be screwed! and there would probably be pics to prove that I got screwed ;)
    And the tea totallers... yep. You don't wanna drink, you can't drink for reasons unmentioned- cool, but don't try to kill my buzz dammit!
    You cracked me up, as usual! :D

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  6. Pretty much everything is damn right!! Also, I'm totally with you on the drinking hair dye mishap. If I'm ever drunk enough I'll share the photos with you to prove it ;) Loved this post!

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    1. Jen! It is so good to have your cheerful self over here tonight!!

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  7. I am nodding my head as I go down the list. At a recent parent/teacher conference I actually asked my daughter's teacher how she got thru the day without wine!

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    1. 5-8 grade, not so hard. Kindergarten = WOW. Those kids will wear a person out! Those teachers deserve a medal--or a flask, or something. :)

      Thanks for stopping by, Kerri!

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  8. Hallooooo my Skanky friend! Did you write this drunk? I distinctly detected that slurrrrrrred speech pattern in your writing. I need to stop writing your blog while sitting next to my sleeping child, because I almost choked and spit water all over him. Talk about a rude awakening. I permed my hair while drunk, dude, not a good idea. And the eating thing, I might make the hubs some road kill tomorrow after a few beers, keep all the good parts for me!

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    1. Hahahahhahaha!! No, sadly, I did not write this while drinking. While it would be more fun, I have found that my writing goes to shit after I've had a couple of glasses of wine. That's why I stick to annoying my friends on Facebook after having a glass or two--but I stop there. I am too scared of what I would write drunk on Facebook! Haha!!

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  9. Drunk Facebooking! Yes! My biggest down fall. I'm a night owl, so once everybody has gone to sleep and I'm drunk, I need SOMEONE to talk too....then when I wake the next day and see what I posted.....I freaking cringe....stupid...... anyway, got a new award for you. Swing by my latest post and grab it. Congrats!

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    1. Thank you so much! I'm so excited to see what it is. I'll hop over there now!

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    2. Oh, and by the way--I totally get the Facebooking thing! I'm a night owl, too, and I'll hop on Facebook after the hubs and kids fall asleep. I step AWAY from the wine when I do that, or else I'll do the same thing--wake up with a cringe and impending sense of doom for what might be written! Haha

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  10. "It's so Vitamin C" I love that. You could be a rapper. Vitamin C.

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  11. Ugh. I have enough of a problem with number 7.

    Interestingly enough, I use the C word less when I drink. And drinking makes me bite.

    Conclusion? I should drink more.

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  12. I had to come back again. Because I freaking love your smoke-filled-man-voice-horse-faced slut self HUGE HUGE HUGE. (she wheezes silently through her many years of Marlboro Reds - classy I know you're jealous - voice - raspy laughter).

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    1. Kristi, I love you, too! Do you have a button? We should swap!

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  13. Oh how I relate to the Thursday evening sex. Too too funny!

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  14. I love eating Pringles when I've been drinking. I usually have the willpower to stay away, but that crunchy fake potato goodness is so yummy...I've been known to down a whole can, to my horror the next day. It's easier to burn those puppies off when you're 22 than when you are - well, older.

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    1. That is SO true! I used to be able to say, "I'm going to lost 5 pounds this week" and be able to do it by just cutting out a few foods (like eating one fewer Pringle) or working out just a teensy bit harder one day. Now, I work my arse off 6 days a week--like, killer workouts--and should look like a rock-bodied porn star (minus the huge boobs). Instead, I just look like a normal person with a forever gut. Ugh. :) But at least I FEEL good, right? RIGHT?? :)

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  15. Did you also have some of those Pall Mall's, because smoking is also fun while drinking (and having your hair bleached). The other one that I would add to your stellar list is that drinking is great when you are hungover.

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    1. Oh, Rachel, you are SO right! Smoking is ONLY fun when drinking! In fact, I'm making a mention of that in a post that I'm working on for next week. I can't believe I left it off of this one!

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  16. OMG, this is hysterical! And you're so, so right. Everything is better after a drink. Every. Damn. Thing. The only problem is that my inhibitions go right out the window after the first sip. Although some people might say that's a good thing when you're as tightly wound as I am. :)

    The drunken snacking isn't good for my ass though. :(

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    1. Dani--

      When I tell stories, I tell them in much the same way in person as I do on this blog, whether they're WAY exaggerated or not (except I'm not as snarky as I like to write--I'm actually really nice, although when you have to specify that, how many people actually believe it? Haha.) Anyway, can you imagine how much worse or more exaggerated my stories get when I DRINK? It's awful--and lots more cursing. I can't believe I haven't lost any friends. I've actually gained a lot--but I think it's because, like I said in a previous post, there's got to be a dumbass in every group to make the others feel better about themselves. Guess who that dumbass is? Ding ding ding ding--ME! Haha

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    2. The point of that was--storytelling gets more fun when drinking, too! :)

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  17. When I was getting ready to prepare to go to college, back in the Dark Ages when people didn't even carry cell phones all the time, my friend and I decided we were going to dye my hair white. We thought we were golden since her sister-in-law worked at a beauty salon. My hair is black. Black like a raven. I had a that trashy orange and streaks of white through my bangs.Fortunately, we didn't do my entire head. So, the moral of the story is...I wish we'd been drinking.

    This post btw was awesome, and I am so subscribing.

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    1. Aw, thank you so much! And yes, I promise you the impact of seeing an awful dye job on yourself is so much less jarring after drinking. We'll know for next time, right? Thanks so much for subscribing; I'm going to head over and check out your blog now!

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  18. Oh, my God. So much freakin funny in one post. When I was teaching I dyed red chunks into my dark hair. One of my students asked me if it was "permanent or temperamental" - and I said "Depends upon the weather." And, I had dyed my hair so many times in college that it was a permanent shade of Pall Mall. The memory of which I drowned in a "fishbowl" drink at the bar near my house and then shoved a whole can of Stove Top into my face after last call.

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    1. Thanks for the compliment!! And you have me rolling over here with shoving the whole can of Stove Top into your face after last call! I once ate half of a pan of tater tot casserole that my friend kept telling me not to eat b/c she'd made it 2 weeks prior. Our favorite line from that night was, "No, it's cool. I have a stomach of STEEL! I can eat ANYthing and not get sick!" And DID I get sick? Hell, no! Stomach of steel! Haha

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  19. My grandmother smoked Pall Malls(unfiltered)! Aww,your head would have reminded me of my grandmother. And I have to agree that sex is better when drinking...or at least I'M better when drinking. You like how I managed to talk about my grandmother and sex in the same comment? I have no boundaries.

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    1. How did I miss this comment? You definitely don't have any boundaries--and that's one of the things I love about you!

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  20. So I've been wondering how much to reveal about my trashy slutty partyass self in an upcoming post. You always inspire me. You freaking rock.

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    1. Thank you?? Haha--seriously, I just adore you! You write your slutty little heart out!

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