Friday, April 19, 2013

Tupperware Party


Recently, I went to a Tupperware party.


Let’s be clear, here.  Normally, my friends know not to invite me to these things, because they all know my stance:  Don’t invite me to “parties” where you’re trying to sell me shit.  Why?  Because I am a cheap tightwad bastard mother-effer, and if I can’t find it at Wal-Mart or Dollar General—or, when I’m feeling really fancy, Big Lots—well then dammit, I don’t need it.


And Tupperware—I’m even more adamantly opposed to those parties than any of them.  Because I already have Tupperware.  It’s called lunchmeat packaging, empty Starbucks cups, and all of the actual Tupperware I’ve stolen from my dad’s house with the ruse of taking leftovers home after family gatherings. 


But this party was different.  It was being held by my chef friend who really knows how to throw a party.  I gladly accepted her invitation because I knew there would be delicious homemade sushi; potent, dark homebrewed beer; and all sorts of other fancy shit that I won’t find for cheap—much less for free—anywhere else.


I was there with bells on, bitches. 


Most of my friends are as bad as I am, and we all knew that we wouldn’t buy anything.  I think the hostess with the mostess did, too, but she owed her friend, the Tupperware consultant, a favor, so she felt like if she had the party, she’d be all paid up.


After my friends and I had filled up our plates with the fancy hors d'oeuvres and refilled our beer mugs, we sat and acted like we were going to listen to the consultant’s presentation.


As we waited, we began flipping through the catalogues that were strategically placed around the living room, looking for the cheapest shit that was sold so that we could at least try to be good attendees and  buy a little something.


“You know,” I said to the friend sitting next to me on the couch as I showed her the page to which I’d just flipped, “the kids could actually use some new sippy cups—and these aren’t even that expensive.”


“You’re right,” she said, popping a cheese-stuffed olive into her mouth.  “I might get a couple of those, too.”


The consultant, sensing a sale, sidled up next to us.  “Have you found something you’re interested in, girls?”


I puffed out my chest, proud that I was behaving like the grown-up that I always pretend to be by investing in some Tupperware—a sensible item for a responsible, mature mother to have.  “Yes, I do believe I have,” I said grandly.


“What is it?” she asked, smiling kindly.


“These sippy cups.  And only $5.00 each.  What a steal!” I said excitedly as I pointed them out to her.


“Oh, yes, those are definitely a great buy.  And the lids that go along with them are only an additional $5 each!” she said brightly.


“What?” I asked, lifting my eyes to the consultant.


“Of course, the lids are sold separately,” the consultant said stiffly, forcing a smile onto her face as she sensed the sudden tension in the room.  Her sale was about to go to shit, my peeps.


“But by definition, a sippy cup has a lid,” I insisted.  “Otherwise, it’s just a cup that spills like any other cup.”  I have absolutely no clue what the definition of a sippy cup is—or if a definition for a damned sippy cup even exists.  But I know what I know, my peeps, and effective sippy cups have a lid.


Try telling that to a Tupperware consultant.


“Well, you can make it into a virtually spill-proof sippy cup by purchasing the lid…for an extra $5,” she responded through clenched teeth.


Virtually spill-proof?  What the hell does that mean?  It’s either spill-proof or it’s not,” I said, now getting angry.  Who the hell were these Tupperware assholes trying to fool?


The consultant double-checked the catalogue, now a bit flustered.  “Well, that’s what the description says…virtually spill-proof.”


“But what does that mean?  Does that mean I’m going to pay $10 for a sippy cup with a lid that’s going to spill either way?”


“I-I don’t—“ she stammered.


“Never mind,” I sighed.  “I’m sure I’ll find something else.”


Luckily, our conversation never escalated into an all-out brawl.  Good thing, too, as the friend who was sitting next to me on the couch and should have been throwing practice punches into the air in case she had been called upon to defend my honor was busily sipping her beer, flipping through her own catalogue to find something cheap enough to buy since sippies were now out of the question.


“Oh, here’s something!” she said, holding the catalogue up to the consultant and me.  She had stuck to the cup theme by finding a set of cute little multi-colored cups topped with lids and straws.


“Oh, yeah,” I said.  “I would buy a fun container to hold the occasional rum and Coke!”


The Tupperware lady was still mad at me.  “Um, I think they call that a flask,” she snapped.


“And Tupperware sells those?” I asked, eyes lighting up as I lunged for another catalogue.  I had to fight all of my other friends, though, who had jumped up from their perches throughout the house and run for the pile of catalogues when they’d heard the word “flask.”


Seriously, what the hell kind of drunken losers do I hang out with?  I had picked them because I thought they made me look better.  It’s like the lady I once saw on Dr. Phil who told him that he was ugly, but his wife was pretty and seemed cool, so she’d probably hang out with them if they lived in the same neighborhood.


I used a similar method when I picked my friends.  I might be a huge bag of skank, but my friends all have professional jobs and don’t live in tents, so obviously if they hang out with me, I must be okay.


And now my dream had been flushed down the toilet with only one whispered word:  “Flask.”


Shit.


As I was pondering my new sad life realization, my friend decided to make a joke.  “Are the straws included?” she asked, jabbing me in the elbow with her side.  It was a cute joke and got a good chuckle.  I mean, obviously the hard plastic straws featured in the picture would come with the cups through which they were jabbed.  DUH.


“Um, no, actually they aren't,” answered the consultant hesitantly.  “But that’s an easy fix!  You just go to the store and buy straws.  Any size will fit!”


Holy shit.


We had to hand it to her, though.  When she did her cooking presentation, she featured a hand-spun food processor disguised as a bowl that whipped up easy salsas and dip in two spins—all while she held her own glass of homebrew.


Throw a bunch of shit in a bowl, give it two hand cranks while you’re drinking your beer, and dinner’s served, bitches?


“We’ll all take one of those!” we shouted in unison. We made a toast to our efficiency as mothers as we grabbed order forms.  “How much do we owe you?” we asked, bent over our forms, pens poised.


“Only 69 dollars!  Plus 7.00 shipping and handling.”


We all stopped.  Our jaws dropped, followed quickly by the pens that we had been holding, and then, just after that because they were so much harder to let go of, the dreams of making dinner in two spins while guzzling a bottle of wine.


Dammit.


I sighed and dropped my shoulders, defeated.  I was the first one to speak (if you can believe that):  “I’d like to order one virtually spill-proof sippy cup, please.  With a lid.”


My friend quickly followed suit.  “And I’ll have a cup…no straw.”


She had won.  That godforsaken Tupperware consultant had won.  But my friend and I—you can bet your asses we didn’t leave that party without raiding our chef friend’s cupboards for straws.  And we found a brand spanking new box of them that we bet she’ll never even miss.


So screw you, Tupperware lady, and the straw you rode in on.

53 comments:

  1. Let me specify for any Tupperware consultants that I've just thoroughly pissed off: I actually did find a set of water bottles that both my son and I love, and they were inexpensive-ish and I use them all the time. So it was a success! Tupperware rocks! ;)

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  2. Too funny- my mom used to have tupperware parties when I was little but I didn't know they still did them. After reading the prices, i won't be attending anytime soon!

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    1. I may have been exaggerating slightly about the prices, but it was definitely something we all noticed. Then again, we're all HUGE tightwads. :) I think the parties are coming back in a retro style, kind of like in a teasing way about what people think that we stay-at-home moms (or part-time stay-at-home moms) do all day, when we all know that it's one of the hardest jobs in the world! It was a fun party, I have to say. Mostly because of the homebrew. :)

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    2. I'm a consultant. Those are the right prices, except you can't buy a sippy cup for only $10 - it's $15 for the cups (a set of 4) and $9 for the seals/lids - so the set is $24.

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  3. So crazy! I hate these parties and won't go either. Or will go, drink all the booze and eat the food and leave. If you can't buy it at Walmart, you don't need it.

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  4. You're too much. I have to stop reading your stuff at work, people are looking at me like I'm the crazy lady looking at her computer monitor and laughing. $10 for ONE sippy cup? WTF? I noticed you said you slightly exaggerated but if the cup costs more than $2 with lid its too much. I've been invited to one of these parties, but they're selling some Origami Owl stuff. Am I expected to buy something? Is bad etiquette if I don't? I got bills to pay, don't they realize we are living in bad economic times?

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    1. Okay, I almost added this into my post--the only parties like this that I LOVE are the Origami Owl parties. I think their stuff is so fun. I NEVER go to these types of parties, and I've been to 2 Origami Owl ones in the past 3 months. You can add little charms, etc., to your existing necklaces (that you bought at the first party you attended) and they're so damned cute. DAMMIT, they've sucked me in!! I'll never be a consultant, but I can see going to more parties to buy more charms in my future. In fact, I wore my necklace just yesterday. :) But I totally get what you're saying. That's why I say to people (exact words, I'm not even kidding), "I'll come, but I'm most likely not buying anything and I eat a lot. Do you still want me there?" Yes, I'm one of THOSE assholes. Haha

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    2. Oh, and by the way--thanks for the sweet compliment. Made my night!

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  5. I nominated you for an Award, cause you're awesome and make me laugh! Here's the link to my blog so you can see it.

    http://thingsthathappeneverydaytome.blogspot.com/2013/04/an-very-inspiring-blogger.html

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    1. I love you for this--I'll check it out ASAP. Thank you!

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  6. I love/hate Tupperware. It's sturdy shit though. I don't have a button...yet...but I'm gonna get a html for dummies book and learn something ;)

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    1. Okay, full disclosure: I really did end up buying that set of water bottles/sippies that I talked about in my first comment, and I effing LOVE them. I use them every day, and they're "virtually spill-proof" enough that my 4-year-old can use them, too, w/o feeling like a baby b/c they're more like water bottles than sippies. I would totally buy them again. :)

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    2. Oh, and let me know when you get that blog button! Kim from One Classy Motha made mine--maybe you could ask her to help you out? She's really, really awesome.

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  7. After many years of my tightwad nature, I haven't been invited to any Mary Kay, Tupperware, Candle, Jewelry, Madison handbags, 31, or other assorted party in a long time. I have, however, been invited to three sex toy parties in the last three months. I'm going broke on batteries.

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    1. You KILL me! Hilarious about the batteries!!

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  8. People stopped inviting me to tupperware, makeup, jewelry, handbag, clothing, and housewares parties. NOw I only get the sex toy invites. I'm going broke on batteries.

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  9. Huzzah to all of that. I hate it when a high-pressure sales pitch is disguised as " ladies helping ladies."

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    1. TRUTH!! By the way--I know I told you on your page, but your tattoo is way cool!

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  10. So far I seem to have escaped being invited to a Tupperware party. I think it would be about as much fun as wasting a Sunday at a baby or bridal shower. No fun at all.

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  11. I love that you grilled the Tupperware Consultant! She should know her shit, damnit! By the way, is that her official title or did you just give it to her?

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    1. I'm pretty sure they call them that and I didn't come up with it on my own. But I have to say--I didn't grill her so hard. I like to be snarky, but I do it in a fun way and not in a serious one, so she got that when I teased her. I DID say it all, but it was in a silly way so that I wouldn't hurt her feelings. :) But I do love to look like a badass on my blog, so I have to put it out that way. Haha

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  12. Have I said that I looooooove you? Yes? Well, I'll say it again you skanky (auto-correct just tried to change that to swanky THREE FKING TIMES but I win) beotch. Ha to the stupid tupperware parties and I LOVE that you questioned her regarding the nature of the sippy cup. I'm pretty sure your definition is going into Wiki sometime soon. Because duh.
    Oh and I hate those stupid parties. My step mom invited me to a jewelry one saying what a steal it was. Hosted by her daughter. Before now-step-mom and my dad were married. Way to make me buy an ugly $100 necklace people. Well played. I should make my dad write me a check. It's been 15 years, sure, but I'm still bitter.

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  13. PS just subscribed to your funny shit via email. You should repay the favor because us nasties have to stick together. Just saying.

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    1. I'm pretty sure I've already subscribed! If not, I'm a follower. But I will go make sure so that I don't miss anything. Because I looooooove you, too!!

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  14. I wish I had known - I just found a sippy cup in the back of my kitchen cupboard that I would have given to you (never mind that my youngest is now 11). I would have only charged you 47 cents, and thrown in the lid for free. Cuz I do love a skanky whore, especially one that describes herself that way.

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    1. Dammit!! I would have so bought it! :)

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  15. I avoid those parties like the plague. The only ones I go to--SOMETIMES---are the pampered chef parties because you KNOW there is going to be good eats there...and hopefully copious amounts of alcohol....

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    1. That is very true! I did go to a Pampered Chef party once only b/c I was new in town and trying to make friends. They made a really good chicken alfredo pizza thing. Now I have friends and we're all comfortable with each other, so when they invite me to these, I can feel free in saying, "No way, beeyatch." :)

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  16. Hahaha!!!
    I totally look for the cheapest thing to buy, because you know your ass better not leave without making at least 1 purchase.
    Here's my lazy ass habit: put leftovers in a container, push it to the back of the fridge, find it a week later, throw out the container because it looks "eww". So, at one point I had Tupperware, then slowly (leftover by leftover) it was disposed of. Now, like you, I use those deli meat containers. God bless pre-sliced ham.

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    1. Kim--I do the exact same thing, except I'm too much of a damned tightwad to throw the containers away. So I just wash them in really, really hot water instead.

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  17. I hate these parties...but the ones I loathe the most are the pleasure parties. Why the fuck would I want my coworker/friend/sister in law/aunt to know about the random shit that is jammed up some random orifice when I get home. Fuck that dirty noise.

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    1. Vanessa--you never cease to amaze me with your eloquence in making a point!! ;) You crack me up!

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  18. OMG, the sister of a guy I was dating once got into the whole Pampered Chef thing, so I was obliged to support her and go to some of her parties. At that time I barely had a pot to pee in, so fancy knives that make the edge of my cheese and veggies look all crinkly and cute were not high on my priority list. But you better believe I got sucked into buying a bunch of crap from her. And guess what? I still have all of it, and it's still in the damn packaging! Did I mention I dumped that guy's ass almost 10 years ago?!?!?!?!

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    1. The manual veggie chopper is still in the back of my cupboard, too. It was about the cheapest thing, but I never remember that I have it until after I've already chopped all my damned veggies the old-fashioned way!

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  19. Another excellent post! Love it! I HATE HATE HATE those parties! What haven't they tried to sell a bunch of women? They even have "sex toy" parties. (I cringe at the thought of that. Buying sex toys with your friends and family? NO. THANK. YOU!!!)

    The last party I attended involved candles. There was no booze, and I left there $75 poorer with a case of mild food poisoning. (And then I promptly took all that over-priced tacky shit to Goodwill). Never again. And I MEAN it this time!

    Thanks for the laughs! I'll be Tweeting this little gem of course. :)

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    1. DENI!! Thank you so much for the compliemtns, the hilarious story (although I'm sure the food poisoning was not funny at the time) and the TWEET! You are awesome!!

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  20. Love this! I too totally hate those parties, but if there was good food and good beer I may be tempted myself
    <3 Kimbra
    www.mommysrambles.blogspot.com

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  21. I'm back again because this was funny enough to read again. By the way have I said that I looooooooove you? No? Crap. Well, I do. Mwah!

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    1. I loooooooooooove you, too, and sometime today, when I get a free moment that lasts longer than one free moment, I'll post this week's content so you have something new to look at! :)

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  22. And hey, look! I'm back again. Third time's a charm or something. In fact, I've now visited this post more than the times I "dated" and by "dated" I mean not dated, my two-night stands in college. Whooop.

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    1. Only 2-night stands? You are a SAINT, girl!! Haha. I love ya. You come back ALL the time b/c you make me laugh so hard!

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  23. Oh Shay, you make me so happy. You can come to any kind of party at my house any time. You can yell at the host, as long as it's not me, and you can not buy anything too. Just be you, I might even throw in a flask...

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    1. I would NEVER yell at you! And you can bet your ass I'll take you up on that flask...as long as it's full. :)

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  24. Oh, I have SO been there! But didn't get the yummy treats . . .

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    1. That's too bad. :( The food and drinks were the best part!

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  25. Well, hell, Tupperware is expensive. The people selling it know that, but they have to keep their shoulders back and head up and assure you that the item will last forever (no, really, forever!), thus making the $5 lid totally worth it. I've bought Tupperware at festivals and weekend shows, but I've got to draw the line at a house party. Those are strictly for sex toy parties.

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  26. I cannot believe that she didn't offer to throw in straws. A consultant can buy a bag of 20 Tupperware straws for $2. If she were a consultant worth a salt, she'd throw in the straw for free!

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  27. I cannot believe that the consultant didn't offer to throw in a free straw with the purchase. She can order a bag of 20 Tupperware whistle straws for $2. She's the tightwad, not you! And yes, having to purchase the lids separately is BS, especially since they work out to be $2.25 a piece costing you $6 for one cup and lid, but as long as the baby doesn't chew the spout up (which he will) Tupperware will replace it with the Lifetime warranty! And it's spill proof unless he decides to turn it upside down and shake it (which he will), which is where the "virtually" part comes in.

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    1. Rebekah, you are cracking me up! She was actually very sweet, but my creative juices were flowing as I was writing and sometimes when I re-tell a story, a person takes on a whole new character. But it was true--the straws didn't come with the cups that my friend wanted! They sold them separately. We laughed so hard about that. But seriously, I've heard so many good things about Tupperware's lifetime guarantee, and it's proven through time to be a great product. How many of our parents still have and use the Tupperware that was in our houses when we grew up? Almost all of them! Plus, we all got a little gift just for attending the party. In fact, I love my purple salt and pepper shakers and use them to this day! It was overall a good experience; it's just that I love to see the funny in things. Thanks so much for reading and commenting!!

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  28. This is an ingenious idea; really cleverly put together.

    pink toy box

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  29. I'm arriving fashionably late to this party but I had to comment. I love this blog post. I HATE stuffy Tupperware parties, and I AM a Tupperware consultant. I just make sure there's LOTS of booze to drink, food to eat, and I don't "present." I just have all the stuff out that my host wants to show and have everyone play with it. I only signed up to be a consultant because I love the stuff and I'm cheap so I want the discount! LOL If you had whined about the price of the cups to me I would have told you to host a party and earn them for free! Even cheapies like us can acquire lots of Tupperware, you just have to know how to work the system. ;)

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