Friday, April 12, 2013

Hitting the Gym


I’m totally not using today’s post as an excuse to brag about my first half marathon, which I ran a few weeks ago with a time of 2 hours and 10 minutes.  I’m not. 

 

Just like I haven’t started every single conversation since finishing the race with this:  “Oh, really?  You ate a grilled cheese for lunch today?  That reminds me of the time I ran a half marathooooooooooon..."  I drag it out because that's how I sound when I'm being pretentious.  (By the way, if the conversation is not about grilled cheese, insert absolutely anything that the person you’re talking to said.  It doesn’t matter because this is not about them and it never will be again.  It’s about you and your half marathon.) 

 

Okay, yes.  Yes, I think it’s completely obvious that I’m using this post as an excuse to brag, dammit.  Stupid narcissistic tendencies!  But I promise that’s the last you’ll hear of it. Because this post was actually drafted a couple of months ago, well before I finished my first half marathoooooooon.

 

Shit.  Shit.  Okay, that’s the last you’ll hear of it today.  Promise.  Now back to my regularly-scheduled post, “Hitting the Gym”:

 

I have worked out at least 5 days a week since I was 20 years old.  I like to say it’s a passion, but the real reason is that with the way my fat ass eats, I can’t afford NOT to go to the gym. 

 

When my husband and I were first dating, he made some comment that I guess he considered a compliment:  “Hey, thanks for all of the effort you put into working out.  I know you like to look good for me.”

 

I remember I stopped and gave him one of my best big-nosed smirks.  (I like to pronounce that big-nose-ed, in case you were wondering.)  “Bitch, please,” I snapped.  “I’ve been at this shit for years—long before you entered my life.  I don’t do it for you.  I do it for me.” 

 

Although the hubs does get to reap the benefits of having a hard-bodied (riiiiiiight), bleach-blonde (fake), smoking (I mean ciggies) hot trophy (I mean trashy) wife with a long gorgeous horseface (if you’re into that type of look—neigh, neigh, motherfckers), the reasons I work out for myself look more like this:

 

1.)     On-site daycare. 

In the grand scheme of 16 years of working out, this reason has only somewhat recently popped up (We had our first son 4 1/2 years ago), but it’s at the top of the list because it’s so important to me.  I don’t care if I have to run 10 miles to get away from my kids for a little while when I need a break.  At my pace, that’s a good hour and a half that I get to listen to my music, read my magazines, and just be alone for a little while to think about how awesome I am.

 

2.)     A possible daytime talk show makeover.

I make sure that my body’s slamming (I mean, it’s not, but usually people don’t notice as they cannot seem to tear their eyes away from this monstrosity of a nose when they talk to me) while the rest of me is dumpy. How dumpy, you might ask?  I’m talking dumpy, bitches. The dumpier, the better:  think thick, fluffy eyebrows that grow to the point of lightly kissing my hairline, a discontinuation of chin-whisker plucking so that I have a cute little 5 o’clock shadow sometimes, and yoga pants with spaghetti-o and poop stains from wild diaper changes on them.  That way, hopefully one of my asshole friends will try, in a misguided kind of way, to nark on me to Ellen or Kathie and Hoda and I’ll get a Mommy Makeover.

 

And you know what great body + expensive new designer clothes + a makeup artist + national television exposure = don’t you?

 

A whole gaggle of ex-boyfriends seeing me and being sorry that they dumped my trashy ass.

 

Yes, I know that I was a skank who cheated on most of them several times, but is that really a reason to dump someone?  Oh, it is?  Whatevs…

 

3.)     Forget ex-boyfriends… 

…have you seen the guys at the gym?  Hellooooo,hotties!  Even the old sugahdaddies  working out in belted mom jeans have kept themselves up into their 80’s.  They’re usually a little hunchbacked, but that’s okay:  If they can get past The Nose, I can overlook The Hump.  Because I go to the gym to find new boyfriends!

 

What’s that you say?  You guys don’t cheat on your husbands?  Really?  It’s just me? 
 
 
WOW.  Who knew?
 
 

4.)     I saw one guy wearing a 200-lap t-shirt as he walked around the track. 

 
I assume that’s the same as the mile-high club, only in gym lingo.  And ladies, let me tell you:  I’m all in.

 

I talk a good game, don’t I?  But do you wanna know how I really feel?  Sex=yuck. 
 
 
That's how the hubs knows all of that cheating on him talk is only a farce.  Because if I have a hard time keeping up with our grueling once-a-week sched, you can  bet your ass I'm not doing it again on the side with some asshole boyfriend who doesn't even have to share household chores with me. 
 
 
What do you mean, you're leaving when we're finished?  Get your ass off the couch and do the dishes!

 

Nope.  Give me a Real Housewives marathon and a bucket of Reese’s over that any day of the week.  In fact, I’ll pay any one of you ladies to come over and bone my husband so I can have my Housewives and Reese’s bucket in peace. What’s that you say?  That’s prostitution, and it’s illegal?

 

Not in Las Vegas, it’s not.  Get the shit packed, hubs, because we’re moving!

 

Seriously, what was the point of #4 again…

 

5.)     …or this whole list?

Alright, I’m done with this. I’m going to go gorge on some cheese dip.  I don’t need chips; I just dip whatever’s close by into it and suck it off.  I’ve got a pad of post-it notes right next to me that’ll work just fine.

 

I’ll work it off at the gym tomorrow.
 
 
I wanted to take the chance to mention that the lovely, talented, and kind Jill Smokler's new book, Motherhood Comes Naturally (and Other Vicious Lies) is now available.  Jill's one of my cyberpeeps, you know, who has kept in contact since she was awesome enough to feature one of my posts on her famous blog, Scary Mommy.  I told her I'd be more than happy to spread the exciting news about her book.  I'll bet, like, 1 copy of it will be sold as a result of the crazy advertisement she's getting with my blog's 3 readers.  Seriously, though, I guarantee the book will be hilarious. I'm totally getting a copy.  Congrats on another book, Jill!


30 comments:

  1. You are so fcking awesomely hilarious and cool. I wish I knew you when I was younger and a big old slutbag. We'd have had some damn good times, friend. Seriously. Congrats on your half marathoooooon. You ran a half marathon? OMG wow, you made my sitting on the couch thinking about exercising while eating Dorritos sound like it was almost unhealthy or something. And it's NOT because I was thinking about exercising, hello!
    Thanks for the laughs, you.

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  2. LOVE THIS!!!!!! Oh GAWD I could so relate! I just joined a gym 5 weeks ago--it really is addicting. My only complaint is all the mirrors. When I'm in zumba class, the last thing I want to see is my boobs flopping up and down like dying fish and my belly stretching down to my knee caps like Stretch Armstrong. Other than that, the gym is a cool place to be. But then I go home and screw it all up by eating chocolate. Running a marathon though? Damn you're good!!! Thanks for the laugh tonight!

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    1. Oh, no, it was a half marathon! I'm not sure I could do 26.2 miles. 13.1 was enough for me! Haha. But thanks--on the whole comment!! You're always so good to me. :)

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  3. Hahaha!!! Onsite daycare was the ONLY reason I joined the gym. My mom likes to say that I'd go to a shit eating contest if I could go alone. She's right.

    I was really working out everytime I went, but then they opened their cafe. Now I drink coffee and eat breakfast alone, while overlooking the treadmills, and getting fatter.

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    1. A shit-eating contest! Is your mom as funny as you are? Sounds like it!

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  4. You fucking kill me! I want a gym membership so I can run later I get up to run at 5am, that's ungodly. Anyway congrats again! Are you hooked? I'm running my next half in October, hopefully something fun in between now and then. If I can get my time down around 1:45-1:50 I plan to run a Marathon early next year...

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    1. OMG, 1:45-1:50...wow!! One of the friends I ran with had a time close to that. I think it was her 3rd or 4th half. I'm in awe of you girls. My goal was just to run the entire thing, even if my run looked like a broken-down shuffle. I knew I would do it b/c my undiagnosed OCD manifests itself in a shitload of willpower, but still, "knowing" you cand do it and actually doing it are two different things. I couldn't cross it off of my bucket list until it was run and done. CHECK. :) I was pretty happy with a 10-minute or so pace, b/c I didn't think it would be that good! For 10k's I can keep about a 9-9:30 pace, but this was the first half, so I wasn't sure what to expect. I think I am hooked. :)

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    2. Lol, I used to always correct myself too. don't worry ppl know it's a typo. anyway yay, can't wait to hear about future runs. I had gotten my time down, just before I got knocked up. now I'm back to square one (but I don't care, it's just as fun)

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    3. Getting knocked up was probably one of the best things that happened to me, running-wise. My dr. made me stop running b/c I'd had issues with other pregnancies and he wanted me to do a lower-impact exercise. I was only running 3 miles a day back then, so I had to find other ways to work out. I did a ton of stairstepping those 9 months. Level 10 Mt. Kiliminjaro still haunts me in my sleep. Haha. After I had my 2nd son, I went back to the running with a vengeance b/c I missed it so much. I don't think I'd have ever actually achieved the half if I hadn't felt like I had something to prove to myself and my body. Now I'd love to find some fun 15k's. I read Jules McMurray's Run Zippy Run blog, and she talked about one awhile back. It's 9 miles--sounds like a great, challenging race, but one you wouldn't have to train 3 months for...:)

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  5. Holy shit. A half marathon? That's, like, whoa. I don't even have words because even though I read this through three times, my brain keeps freezing on the half marathon bit and I can't absorb how funny and awesome the rest of it was.

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  6. Um. Everybody got a reply except me. Now I'm going to have to drink more.

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    1. Shit, Kristi, how did I miss that?? Sometimes when I have a quick second, I'll publish the comments and then mean to get back to them later. I'm so sorry that I forgot! But in the meantime, definitely drink more--and I will, too!! Haha. You know I LOVE YOU!!

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  7. You had me at free daycare. Why the hell don't I belong to a gym?!?

    And thank you for the shout out. You're awesome!

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    1. I'm looking for the "like" button. I get my social medias confused. :)

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  9. Congrats again on the half marathon!!!! I joined a gym for the first time in YEARS a few months ago, and I am now one of the keeners who drags her ass out of bed at 5:30 am 3-5 times a week to go for a run. Of course, this is the ONLY time I can go thanks to my husband's hectic schedule, but I like to leave that part out so that it sounds like I'm THAT committed.

    I love people watching when I'm there, but I cannot stand it when someone choose to run next to me when there are 10 other treadmills around us...especially if they went heavy on the garlic the night before. What is WRONG with people! And that rather large man that wear the short shorts? So gross...

    And now I'm looking for a gym location that has onsite daycare...

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    1. Thanks, Dani!! I really only ran it to get one of those 13.1 stickers to put onto the back of my car. Dammit, I coveted those so hard when I saw them on other peoples' cars. :) The onsite daycare is a must. I love being able to work out anytime I'd like instead of working it around babysitter schedules, and the kids LOVE the daycare. It's like an extra playgroup during the day! I'm proud of you for starting up the gym again--it sucks to be awake that early, but doesn't it make you feel great for the rest of the day? Tomorrow I'm doing Insanity...that Shaun T. is one tough sumbitch. But he's hot, so that helps.

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  10. Wow a half marathoooon.....congratulations!! I'll be happy the day I can run for two straight blocks. I'm totally jealous. I started working out like a month ago but have never in my 33 years. My body really hates me. Also I think you're a liar. I'm sure you look amazing and are lying about your looks. Now we all hate you for being beautiful and funny!

    #4 totally me! No way am I giving it to someone & getting shit back. If my husband has to work for it you better be damn sure another man is. So the only way I could cheat would be if my husband would be ok with me bringing in another man into out home cause before he's getting some dishes need to be washed, vacuum the house and the kids need to be put to bed. Plus I’m too tired I’m not doing that shit, if my husband is getting none why should another man.

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  11. I love every single thing about this comment. You made me laugh and blush and I'm pretty sure you're going to put an extra hop in my step today! Thanks!!

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  12. Half Marathoooon wootwoot! That is awesome! I'd push that in every conversation too!! Congrats! You are so funny, love your blog!

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    1. Thank you thank you thank you! What a sweet comment!

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  13. LMAO! I am so with you on the 'getting a girlfriend to bang the hubby.' I've tried to talk my best friend (who hasn't has sex since Noah loaded up the Ark) into doing my weekly wifely duty, but she said she doesn't want a pity fck. Hubby, however, was all for it. I think he'd nail a Walmart worker at this point. Cougars should never marry their boytoys...they are too much maintenance, I swear!

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    1. Terry--thanks so much for stopping by; you are hilarious! I will check out your blog, too!!

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  14. Congrats on the half marathon, but honestly - you went to all that trouble, why not just do the whole thing? ;)
    Seriously though, that's fantastic. I can't do the running thing. I don't know why. I just can't. I'm lame; I walk on the treadmill.
    I need to do something about that. But alas, I get my butt to the gym, I get on the elliptical and I watch Food Network. And hey -
    I'm right there with you on the Real Housewives marathon and the Reese's. Pass the bucket, lady! :)

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    1. One of my friends asked me the same thing, but trust me, it's a TON more work to do a full marathon; work that I don't want to invest in. I already had to do 1 1/2 hour runs for training on my Saturdays, and it made me mad b/c I would've rather been drinking coffee and reading books. Holy shit, how nerdy does that make me sound?? Haha. Thanks for stopping over; I love your blog!

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  15. I am so glad you fit your skankiness into this post! That's what I noticed most, not the HALF marathoooooonnnnn...... AND finally, someone, not just anyone, but my skanky friend has finally convinced me of why I should go to the gym! Do they take 7 year olds in the daycare, cause if so, I'm on it!

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    1. I manage to fit it into EVERY post! It's just such a part of me...haha. I'm thinking 7-year-olds would be just fine in there! I've seen older kids go, and they color and play with the younger ones. Go for it, girl!!

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