Friday, March 1, 2013

Scary Mommy and an Award!

I was way excited to be featured on Scary Mommy earlier this week!  Jill Smokler is talented, kind, and simply awesome, and she made my whole week by featuring my Minivan Mom post on Monday.  Thanks, Jill!


And then…you can’t imagine how honored I was when I hopped over to Menopausal Mama’s blog and saw that she had nominated me for the Inspiring Blog Award.


I don’t know what I’m going to do with the three million dollars that comes along with this award.  I’m thinking of opening up my own publishing company so I can finally get my bullshit published.


Or maybe I’ll finally get that psychiatrist I’ve been asking for for Christmas the past several years. I’m thinking I might need her now more than ever, so that she can help me get over the delusions I deal with on a daily basis—such as that this award comes with three million dollars.


No, it doesn’t come with any money, but dammit, it comes with a healthy dose of ego inflation that I’m pretty sure I don’t need at all.  I was just telling a group of friends last night that I have the opposite problem than what most people deal  with on a daily basis:  Although my self-esteem should probably be way down here, it’s actually waaaaay up here—and it’s not even warranted.  I just feel really effing good about myself all the time for no significant reason.  (See “delusions” paragraph, above.)


And this award made me feel even better, because finally—FINALLY—people are starting to see me how I see myself.  As very inspiring and awesome.   (See “delusions” paragraph, above.)


On a serious note:  Menopausal Mama, thank you so much.  Peeps, she really did make my day.  I have admired her from afar for a long time now (totally not in a blogstalker way—I swear I just love her writing style and sense of humor—okay, then, a little blogstalky), and she is really making her way up in the blogging world.  She kicked ass in Circle of Moms Top Humor Blogs, so to be recognized by her was a really sweet accomplishment.


So here goes.  Seven facts about me, and then the bloggers I’d like to nominate for this award.  Drum roll, please:


1.)     My husband got a vasectomy 6 weeks after our second son was born.  When someone asked my dad if, somewhere in the middle of planting the seed for 6 kids, he’d ever thought about having a vasectomy himself, he responded, “No way.  I still have my balls.”  I snapped back, “Sure, but the hubs still has his marriage.”  Although we all agreed it was a great comeback—especially since Mom and Dad have been divorced for almost 22 years and we’re pretty sure it’s because she went effing nuts (no pun intended) with her multitude of heathen children running around—it left us scratching our heads, confused as to whether we should congratulate the hubs or call the penis doctor to make him an appointment to get it reversed so he’d have a way out.  Hm.


Oh, wait, this was supposed to be about me.  The fact?  I love my kids more than anything in the world, but I know my limits: Two’s enough.


2.)     Speaking of balls and my dad (Oh my gosh, did I just start a sentence that way?  Ga-ross), I once ate fried cow balls at a testicle festival with my family.  My dad was the unfortunate one sitting next to me when I mused aloud, “Oh, wow, these taste a lot better than human balls!” 


Was that too much?  Too much? 


It was a joke, but the fact is, I don’t know how to make proper dinner conversation.  Then again, I’m not sure a testicle festival counts as a “proper dinner.”


3.)     I am a Jillian Michaels devotee.


I’m also a potted meat and cheesy Ramen devotee, so there’s that.  But at least I’ve given up on fried cow balls.  And human balls, for the most part.  Marriage’ll do that to you.


4.)    I recently reconnected with an old friend from college, who wrote this to me after stalking all over my Facebook pictures:  “I see that you’ve finally learned the art of eyebrow waxing.”  Then he added, “Too soon?” to make sure that I was ready to get into the verbal sparring that we used to have so much fun with back in college.  I replied, “No.  About 16 years too late, actually.  Where were you on that when I was 19, asshole?”


Fact about me:  I pluck the shit out of my eyebrows.  One of my biggest fears is that I’ll end up looking like a lunch lady one day, but I just can’t stop.


5.)    My second son was born with dark hair, but it gradually changed until it was this beautiful shade of blonde by the time he was 6 months old.  One day, I found myself telling a friend that I was so excited because in every other way, he looked like his dad, but at least he got my hair color.  My friend looked at me quizzically, and it took me a minute, but I finally caught up:  I’ve been bleaching the shit out of my hair since I was 22 years old.  I don’t remember what the natural color is, but it sure as hell isn’t a beautiful shade of blonde.  I’d say it might have once been described as a delicate mousey brown.  Now it’s described as a trashy yellow hue.  But I like it.  (See “delusional” paragraph above.)


6.)     I’m pretty sure that both of my kids are my husband’s.  Actually, scratch that.  I’m almost positive that neither of them is.  Shhhhhh.


7.)     My nickname in college was Skank.  (Aren’t my friends sweet?)  I don’t know why, since I was always such a good girl. As I typed that last sentence, I laughed so hard that I spit out my coffee.  Now I have to clean up my keyboard.  Thanks a lot, assholes.


Anyway, old skanky habits die hard, but they do eventually die if you try hard enough.  Nicknames, however, remain alive and well, thriving even years (and years and years) after the fact.  Siiiiigh.


Actually, I kind of love it.  Even negative attention is attention, and dammit if it doesn’t just make me feel loved.  Is that something I can hire a psychiatrist for and bill my dad?  Seriously—he is an awesome dad, but a bit of an attention whore himself, so I’m sure that’s where I get it. 


Except I prefer the term “Attention Skank,” thank you very much.


And now for the bloggers I’d like to nominate for the Inspiring Blogger award.  A couple of notes just before I list them:  I’m pretty sure I was only supposed to nominate 10 writers, but as I blog hopped, I found so many talented ladies that I couldn’t just stop at 10.  Also, several of these ladies may have already received this award, and it’s very possible that I missed those posts since I just found their blogs.  If that’s the case—ignore me!  Or just ignore me, anyway. This is simply my way of telling you and the world (aka my 3 readers) that I think you’re effing awesome. 


Fair warning to all of the bloggers listed here:  The huge inundation of traffic that my blog will get you might require you to get a new server.  Oh my gosh, another sentence that was hard to finish because I was laughing so hard that my shaking fingers could hardly type. But at least, like, my best friend will check you guys out.  And maybe a sister or two of mine--well, at least the one sister who knows how to read.  The other one's still learning, but she's only 30, so she's still got time.  At least that's what we tell her.  Okay, okay, enough babbling. Here they are:


One Classy Motha (Kim, I know you started a post for this award; did you ever finish it?  Here’s your chance…)


I hope to see you guys back here next week!  Until then, let’s all keep being inspiring and awesome.  J


  1. Thanks for the awesomely skanky award! I obviously don't come here appears that you're quite funny. Skanky and hilarious? How are we not friends yet?!

    ...don't mind me over here as I update my new mission in new BFF at Trashy Blog

  2. You visited my blog and left a comment? We are best friends for life. I'm easy. :)

  3. Thank you! I'm glad you told me; apparently I accidentally unfollowed you. That explains why you "haven't posted anything lately." Oops!

    I actually have a post for this coming out on Monday, so I'll alter it...

  4. I'm glad I told you then, too! I post on Fridays like clockwork. I'm a very schedule-oriented person. I've tried to loosen up on the schedules, but it just doesn't work for me. :)

  5. Accidentally stumbled onto your blog, and it's the best stumble I've ever taken! You, my friend, are hilarious :)
    Can't wait for more posts from you!

    1. Aw, thanks! I'm heading over to check you out right now!

  6. I still don't know why I try to read this blog while I'm at work. Every Friday I catch myself laughing my butt off at my computer screen... and I'm sure the co-workers walking past my office door think I'm losing it. Anyway, thanks again for the laugh! Sure hope that sister of yours ever figures out how to read!

    1. Dear Katie from STL: Because you're a dumbass. Just kidding! You know I love you. Keep reading every Friday--I know you will, if only b/c I'll bug you about it. :) And maybe one of these days you'll take me up on that guest post spot I've been asking you to do...

  7. Aww!!! Thank you sooo much! Yes, I think I got to number 3 and petered out because I tend to go on and on, exhausting myself. I'm a lot like that in social situation too (after my second glass of wine). *note: you may not want to sit next to me at a dinner party.

    I'll get on this!

  8. You'll be talking about yourself, and I'll be talking about which version of balls tastes the best. I think the best idea for anyone would be to stick us together (away from the normal people) at a dinner party. :)

  9. Oh my goodness, so glad I found you through a blog of a blog of a blog of a blog. You are my kinda a lady. Well, not that kinda lady. You know, funny mother. I don't mean anything by that. Suffice it to say, I'll be visiting often. And congrats on the 3 mil!

  10. I'm still stuck on the testicle festival (which almost rhymes). What is the purpose of such festivals and why would one choose to visit a testicle festival? For the fried cow balls?

    Thanks for the award!

  11. Not sure if my comment is in moderation or didn't work, but I am unable to move past the testicle festival. What is the purpose of such a festival and why would one attend a testicle festival? For the fried balls?

    1. Sorry about that! I haven't been at my computer all day--just got a chance to check this. The purpose? Hm...I believe it's an excuse to drink...although back then (I attended in college...twice), I didn't really need one. But seriously, what could be better than fried balls and beer? Okay, okay, lots of things. I gotcha. :) You're welcome for the award--I hope you had as much fun with it as I did!

  12. Dammit I'm late to the party AGAIN for crying out loud!!! Had my head up my ass these past few days BUT I"M HERE NOW!!!! THIS is why I wanted you to have this award--cuz' I knew you'd rock the shit out of it and you did!!! The things you said about me are way too kind (but I ate it up anyway with a giant spoon) and I just LOVED the 7 facts about you. I always knew you were cool but now I REALLY love you! Testicle festival? Freakin' hilarious. And the nickname thing? Don't feel bad--my adult daughters refer to me as Blogger Bitch/Whore. I don't mind this as long as they don't yell it out real loud in aisle 3 at Walmart while I'm there.
    Your list of nominees reads like the Who's Who of Bloggers--all great choices. I have a hunch you'll be seeing a lot more awards in your future. <3

    1. There you go making me feel awesome AGAIN! I had so much fun with this post, so thanks again for sending it my way! And your Blogger Bitch/Whore comment made me laugh out loud: My mom's co-workers used to call me "that bitch daughter of yours who writes that blog." Of course, they were judging only from my blog and apparently couldn't read sarcasm that well, because when they met me, they really liked me and took it back. They'd realized their mistake: My older sister is the bitch daughter, and she wears it loud and proud. I just play one on my blog. :) Thanks again. It is so fun "hanging out" with you in the blogging world!

  13. Thank you so much for this award! You are sweet and I so appreciated all your support! And GO YOU for Scary Mommy! That's fantastic. Am headed over now to check it out :)

  14. Congratulations on being featured on Scary Mommy! Boo yah!!

  15. I know I've commented on several of these today and that's because I am going back and catching up on all your posts, but I actually just found you b/c of your scary mommy blog post. I love your blog I think you're one of the BEST